Lost in Oblivion

A rift has emerged in my mind - the division of truth as it penetrates through my thoughts has caused a sense of discord. I will attempt to explain; there are two sides of me which I have come to distinguish as two separate identities: 'myself,' and 'my self.'

'Myself' is the sense of self that I readily feel. It is ever-present, it is seen by about everyone. Many people see different aspects of me - what they, more importantly, [i]choose[/i] to see. I am a diamond not in the image of its exquisiteness, but in the fact that there are many facets to me that I have.

'Myself' is everything I can flex it to become. It is clay which I can mold to any sort of shape or container, to hold any sort of thing; if it's an impossible shape, well, I can still try. In this way I have become very accommodating to people in order to meet their needs. At one point, I attempted to change the entire way my brain functioned in order to accommodate someone I loved. It didn't work, of course, but the way my brain truly worked became certainly more clear.

'My [i]self[/i],' on the other hand, is the 'true' side of me. I would describe it as 'raw.' It is a simplex, composed of the bona fide essence that is me. In a sense, this identity is very one-dimensional but compensates in richness.

'My self' is something quite genuine, and I truly experience when what I define as 'love' enters my psyche. It is simply a part of me I do not generally reveal, for its perceived fragility is something I need to watch vigilantly. But what strikes me about it is that it is very [i]human[/i].

This is opposed to the description of 'myself,' who is very multi-dimensional but unfortunately lacks the texture of 'my self.' As I begin to separate these identities, the more cognitive dissonance I feel. I believe that this is, according to psychological terms, 'dissociation.' Which perhaps may explain the dissonance I'm experiencing.

However, I'd still like to address these two identities. I feel that I have, for quite some time, started to slowly separate from 'my self.' The reasons for, I am not entirely sure. I simply know that 'my self' is not something I'm quite used to experiencing, and given that this self was misused by someone who I revealed its fragility to, it only makes sense to me to distance myself from that which is pain.

The fundamental problem with this separation is that I dissociate myself into multiple identities, as I'm doing now, encouraging [i]segregation[/i] instead of [i]integration[/i]. I cannot accept certain parts of my identity because of the pain or weakness they exhibit, so I begin to dissociate that from my idealized version of my identity. As I push the aspects of identity that I am unpleased with away, it becomes a separate identity in itself, when before, it was an [i]integrated[/i] part of my identity.

In this case, 'my self' is quite obviously the repressed aspect of my identity. And in this case, it is everything human about me, in a very visceral way, but only in one collective simplex. It is, as I've said, one-dimensional, but very rich. I cannot let these two identities separate, because they are complementary. Multi-dimensionality needs richness.

If the diamond displays many facets, but is hollow, it is worthless, because it lacks substance. If the precious stone is thick and full, but has one side, it does not hold the same beauty as a diamond which displays many facets. One may be satisfied with one or the other, but I believe, that in order to really achieve or realize the vivid richness of one's self, these two aspects should integrate together in one comfortable 'self' instead of two selves.

Recent cognitive dissonance has come from studying the enneagram. Instead of breaking down mental processes like MBTI or Socionics, it dives deep into the roots and shows [I]motivations[/I] of people. In an effort to search for and improve upon my 'identity' - instead of accepting it for what it is - I began to separate the wholeness of my identity, repressing what I disliked about myself, because as I [i]came to face my darker side[/i], I could not accept it. I denied it simply because I could not stand seeing how prevalent the flaws were in myself.

But the one thing I have come to realize, as I write this, is that those flaws are what make me human. I must understand that the richness of myself comes from my flaws, and that another may come to love me [i]because[/i] I have flaws, not because I have perfected myself into my idealized image.

It's cliché, yes, maybe 'old business.' So sue me.