What you mean to me
by, 06-18-2011 at 05:41 PM (449 Views)
I had this posted here last year sometime, but took it down for various reasons...
Anyways I am putting it back up. But this was a extremely personal to me, I even cried a bit writing this. Why did I have to be a INFJ can be too sensitive at times.
It's long than the others... so bare with me... lol
When I was younger I used to walk the world in an imagination, so thick and dense, as if walking in a fog of my own dreams, wishes, and desires. In this imagination of mine, everything was a highlight of the seemingly intangible things of my heart; the fantasy, the sentimental, the happiness, and the blissfulness – things that the mechanical people around me, who had parted from their essence and dreams when conforming to the mindset of the world, say such are only naive imaginations. You will suffer, you will meet hardships, and your desires in childhood, much like mine, will be torn from you and you will grow up and find reality a part from your idealism. But I could not let my naivety leave me; my imaginations grew up with me, like an appendage of my very own body. I used it, or made use of it consciously. I figured, you live and you die, in this world you live only for a moment — like a flame of a candle, which can be blown out with the faintest of breaths.
Those naive imaginations are like a cord, connecting you to something genuine and authentic in you, which you must remain connected to, to keep you grounded from all the constructs and identifications which will form in you as you grow older and with it, paralyze your heart. But desires evoke suffering, as you suffer over what you do not yet have and the expectations of possible receiving. A constant pain for me was something that I could not adequately understand in my youth. A part of me was missing… there was a hole in my heart disconnecting me from feeling — as if my emotions poured out from a leakage that had gone unnoticed. So I could not trace the leak back to the source. So disconnected I was, so detached I had been, and I was loss without the fuel of my emotions to invigorate me. But why has this occurred? What is that pain that has sapped me from my energy? It wasn’t until I met you, that I realized what was missing.
You to me are like a healer, who has healed the wound that I have carried into this life, and throughout it, from which the organ of my emotions began to regenerate and flow as if the past accident which caused the problem had never existed. As if the heart valve had found its place to connect to again. For it was never to meet a connection merely in my own body, but to connect to yours, to connect to your heart — and the emotions in you, would flow into my heart and allow me to experience what I had never felt before. When I talk to you, it instantly heals me of whatever negative I maybe experiencing – your words and presence are the remedy to my gaps in perception, putting at ease the extremity of the Scorpio in me and frees it. Only you have the key.
You to me are a lost love, who I only had an intuitive “feel” for in my youth. A message in a bottle connected us, it drifted through the waters, washed ashore in my heart, and found a place in my being from which I had a second life growing in me – the prospect of a companionship, that encounter could not have been coincidence – as there are no accidents. The words, they were nostalgic and the interaction uncannily familiar… the emotional so fulfilled and at home. In this bottle, the message is our experience together that would be and is now.
When I hear your laugh, I am filled with laughter – when I hear your unique voice, I feel lifted as if floating on clouds… together, only you and I exist. The world could be ending, but together, inside our space we create for each other, it is still paradise. When I do not speak to you, I hear you – my heart communicates with you, so that you are with me, even when you are not physically there. But still, even though this is true, I still miss you like crazy regardless… Since time is relative, when I don’t speak to you for a day it feels like I have missed you for months and when I interact with you again, it’s like embracing my long lost love from a long journey abroad. And in that moment when interaction is reestablished, all of the associations and yearnings for you find their place in reality and in that moment they have peace. I put all my being into experiencing you – your funny little laugh, your cute way you say things, the feeling of affection that you project to me, your sensuality which captures me and opens me to expressing outward what I had wrongly suppressed.
You to me are a compassionate peacemaker. Striving to bring peace to a life of discord, your compassion is your inner desire for harmony. In the midst of such difficulties, you always strive to be impartial – struggling to remain caring, like a mother hen is to her chicks when she opens her wings to them. You, the peacemaker, will bring peace to many in life and I love this desire about you, because it is the same as my desire.
To me you are a best friend, as the one who you are with, ought to be your best friend. When we speak there is no limitation or restriction on what we share. We share our minds together, our hearts together, our lives together – and we do this because of the love between us is real, in real being love, and there is no separation between us.
I love your openness, I love your capacity to consider through concepts, I love your ability to understand what many others do not nor have even the possibly too, I love how you know what I am talking about – but actually know it unlike others who lie to themselves, I love your instincts, I love your strategic tendencies, love your morality, I love that your interest are the same as mines, I love the chemistry between us, I love your body which to me is a work of priceless art, the curvatures and the angles speaks to my body in a way that no other has. My body recognizes the pricelessness of your form and values it – you are my beautiful mind, beautiful heart, and beautiful body.
So when I think back to my imaginations, my apparent naivety which others labeled it as and how at times I even considered what they said, thinking maybe it is fantasy and such a person I shall never met – I know now I can rest and breathe easy, as you are that truth that I have known – you showed me, that there is no fantasy too big that can not be if you hold unto your desire and never let it go – for what you wish, you just might get, which is true for me, when you entered my life. Or maybe since memory can be seen as imagination, perhaps my imaginations in youth were memories from the future with you – and now I find myself in them, in the growing dream which has become alive. Since this world is nothing but a dream, together we will dream bigger dreams, dreams which will lay out our future together — so that our life together won’t become memories long passed, but \memories which do not end and exist before us and not behind us, where we experience every new moment in anticipation of the next that like a story, has been set out, by you and I, writing in the language of our love, that only you and I know and understand.
Of all my imaginations I have ever had, the prospect of this union with you is the greatest. I thank you for being you.