lifeisanillusion

Getting ready too start the next chapter in my life. Leaving one town behind to start a fresh in a new city. Looking back on the past year and a bit I spent here; I find it extremely unfortunate that I never felt connected at all to this place. I am writing this in the Starbucks; which isn't a great coffee shop; but I probably have some of my best memmories in this very shop. Getting jacked up on coffee and reading books and surfing the net; trying to discover myself. I read a lot of Martin's "A Song of Fire and Ice" series here.

My best memmories will be in the communities in the area; Saskatoon, Cold Lake; and Edmonton; although Edmonton is nothing new to me. There were some alright times spent walking around the man made lake at the park. Especially in the fall when the geese where starting to head for warmer pastures in the south. Saw some really cool sunsets reflected on the surface of the pond. I sincerely hope to find more a connection in my new city. Like a cool coffee shop where I can loose myself for hours reading a book on rainy days. Or enjoying the paths around the river. The place also has a bird sanctuary and I love birds! It will also be closer to the mountains.

But looking back on the past month I am happy with what I have accompolished. The job that brought me here started off so amazing. I loved the people I worked with. We had so many great laughs in the office. Some of them had a dark and twisted sense of humor like myself. Then we moved to this new building and everything was suppose to be so amazing; but it all went to crap. The clinical supervisor lost faith in my ability to work with clients. What was cool was the I didn't buy into what she said. They offered me a new position which I wasn't interested in and I took it and started looking for jobs. I found one and left. I am proud that I didn't buy into what she said, I think it would have been a big mistake on my part.

It is awesome that when I talk to my co workers about what happened and none of them understand it either. I got so much support and none of them seemed to doubt my abilities. I'll admit I am a bit of a strange duck, but I don't feel that what she was making me out to be was accurate. It was also great because in the last few weeks I opened up to another female worker and was vulnerable with her. She got me. She knew where I was coming from. I admitted for the first time out loud that I was raped to her about ten years ago. She understood it and didn't blame it on the drugs or say that it was because I might be gay. I had opened up in the past to two women whom I felt I could trust and for their own reasons, they just made it worse. They didn't get it. I felt worse after and my confusion has been growing ever since.

Now I am going to take a look at this and get help. I am going to order a book on sexual healing and start to work through it. When my benefits kick in; I will talk to a therapist about it. It's time to start to work on it. I thought I had dealt with it but apparently not. Maybe that was my whole purpose in coming here, if you believe in that sort of thing, which I am very scheptical of myself. But I am grateful it came to the surface here and I am going to take a look at it. I also got some great support from some amazing people on the INFP forum here. I am grateful to have me someone who understands it and who didn't seem to use it against me or for their own reasons. Might help give me a little more faith in trutsting women and to let go of some of the anger and hate which seems to be growing in the last six months.

I am looking forward to starting the next chapter of my life. To meeting new friends and having new adventures. And to hopefully finding a really cool coffee shop to read and surf PerC on. And maybe an amazing girl to have coffee with and discuss life.