Kytaari's Self-Discovery Journal
In a really critical and horrible mood +Social confessions
by, 04-21-2012 at 03:57 AM (133 Views)
I don't like anything right now, but I think it has a lot to do with my negative attitude. For some reason I feel extremely caustic today. I think it has something to do with the lack of affection I've been receiving. I spend a lot of hours alone, so maybe this is just afflicting my spirit.
I don't think I open up to my best friends. I keep a lot of my hugely judgmental sentiments to myself. I have one close friend I share personal views with, but with everyone else I'm extremely distant.
To be honest, I might use people more than I should. I think I do it because I know I can get away with it. I know how to alter people's attitudes just enough so that the tone of the conversation doesn't feel completely one-sided, even though in truth it really is. Sometimes the problems of my friends disturb me, but this is partly due to the fact that I'd have to live with a nagging conscience if I didn't do the right thing, and not solely due to the fact that I feel genuine concern for them. The only time I speak to people I'm close to is when I'm having trouble with something, not for any other reason than that. So in short, I guess I kind of am an asshole, at least a little bit.
I have a love interest right now, but I don't think this is gonna last. Since I'm really stupid when I feel romantic affection for someone, she can probably manipulate me or at least keep me ensnared if she's touchy enough. I'm not good at using logic when I feel this kind of romantic lust. I'm able to rationalize the realities of the situation when they're not around, but when they are around all that rationality goes to the slumps for unlikely dreams.
Lately I've been experimenting with the visual novel format. I don't like it that much. I don't like giving that much control of the plot to the player, so I'd like to write a more standard adventure game. Problem is, I don't seem to have any other option at this stage. I feel like I'm not really in control of my life, like my path is set in stone or something.
I don't have any cause, I don't treat my relationships seriously, the only thing that keeps me going is my unquenchable thirst for respect or something. Maybe it's respect, maybe it's something a little different. Recognition? Individuality? I'm not sure. I think all I really want is an identity I can cling to and understand.
I don't understand why I'm so selfish. I'm so preoccupied with my own desires and interests, that it's difficult for me to think about the needs of others. I'll do the right thing when I'm asked, but I don't go out of my way.
I'm probably meant to feel this loneliness. Fine, whatever. Let the anguish roll.