Kytaari's Self-Discovery Journal
Real Life now: How my day went
by, 10-17-2011 at 06:24 PM (157 Views)
I feel like a lot happened. I tried volunteering at a rehabilitation center, but panicked. I feel like I'm putting a lot of stuff on hold. I keep feeling impatient.
I stayed at the house with my grandfather, who has parkensis. Maybe this counts as experience?
Sorry if my narrative seems very vague; it's just that I'm not used to recording my experiences in this kind of fashion. I feel much more comfortable writing about how my day made me feel; not the events that happened.
I guess I'll try to create some crossroad between narrative and emotion. I'm still very new to this. I'm not used to giving these kind of chronological concrete facts, and writing events as such make me feel very drained.
My day felt confusing, but it also felt very useful. But it also felt like it was wasted, and I felt like I made my friend very disappointed. I don't know how to open up to him about this. It's such a minor thing, but how can I ever voice all my trivial concerns? How can I make people understand that I feel so much uncertainty despite having a lot of talent? How can I make people understand how I need myself as having a legitimate place.
Oh God, this Chopin ballad is so friggin gut-wrenching and awesome! I love this kind of bitter painful stuff. I really like this kind of primal sadness, and I don't hear this sort of thing enough in the music I know.
Oh, my day. Um, well, I don't know how to explain it. It was kind of ambiguous. It was like a lot happened, but my perspectives may have been rather strange. It was a day that made me feel uncertain, but that's nothing new.
I can't make sense of all this--as usual. Was my day good or bad? I think it was mostly good. It wasn't perfect, but no day ever is. I keep striving for some happy ending, but I don't know when it will come. When will all the mysteries merge together into a heavenly whole? I need that moment, and I keep striving for it. I need everything to eventually come to a meaningful convergence, but that day seems so far off.
How do people feel about me? Why do I need to be constantly told I'm loved? Why do I feel sadness when people don't give me affection, even though I know how they really feel?
Also, I seem to be easy to offend. I can't help it, it's just the way I'm wired. I try to keep these moments in perspective, but it's like they hurt anyway. Sometimes I take comments very personally, even when there's no evidence that any of them were directed to me.
I think this encapsulates my introversion quotient rather sufficiently. I just need to lay down, eat, and relax.