Kytaari's Self-Discovery Journal
Melencholy in the NIght
by, 10-17-2011 at 05:46 PM (165 Views)
I'm feeling pessimistic right now for no real reason. I always feel this way at night, because I don't have any of the day left ahead of me. I feel needlessly unsatisfied.
I want more certainty about my interconnectedness and my future. Every evening feels like a failure to me, even if I accomplished a lot, and even if I made very little mistakes. I need to be reminded that what I did today was well.
I feel like I let a friend down, and I feel like I may be letting a sibling of mine down. I also feel insecure because I don't know entirely what my calling in life should be, just that it will have something to do with writing. I need to make more progress with my work.
Maybe people around me do not feel sad, and I am just projecting. I feel an air of dissatisfaction this evening, and I can't pinpoint why. Maybe I need to make a bigger effort to reach out to others. Maybe I'm taking my work too seriously. I have a lot of trouble balancing my professional life with my personal life. I feel uncertain about what communities I might be in in the future.
For a very considerable time by now, I have not felt certain about where I should belong. I keep migrating, and I want to settle down, because I don't like having an identity as a drifter. But I can't seem to find my place, because every place I've migrated to could not sustain my needs. I learned very much from all the places that I have came from, but sometimes I feel despair because this whole trail of self-discovery just may be pointless. It may not lead me anywhere meaningful, and I'm kind of taking it on faith that if I persist I'll find my homely spot.
The nature of my identity bothers me profusely. There are not very many sure signs about where I should belong. I find my identity by being surrounded by other people, and also by being alone in self-reflection. I can't make perfect sense of this dichotomy.
I feel more certain about my newly adapted type: ENFP; it's just that the 4w5 ennegram seems kind of odd for it.
I really want to feel more certainty about my future, but my mom tells me this longing is unrealistic. I have fears of wasting my life, and that is why I don't like the evening.