by, 03-18-2011 at 11:53 PM (246 Views)
I started reading Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said by Philip Dick and it was like he was writing about my life exactly the way i see it right now. Now, to be fair, i am sure im imposing my own perceptions onto the writing, but it's also fair to say that this kind of thing happens often enough to not be unique.
"'You think after you go to bed with me i'll turn you in.' (Kathy)
At this point he had not boiled it down to precisely that. But the general idea was there. So, carefully, (Jason) said, 'I think you've learned in your artless, innocent, nineteen-year-old way, to use people. Which i think is very bad. And once you begin you can't stop. You don't even know your doing it.'
'I would never turn you in. I love you.'
'You've known me perhaps five hours. Not even that.'
'But i can always tell.' Her tone, her expression, both were firm. And deeply solemn.
'You're not even sure who i am!'
Kathy said, ' I'm never sure who anybody is.'
That, evidently, had to be granted. He tried, therefore, another track. ' Look. You're an odd combination of the innocent romantic and a' - he paused; the word "treacherous" had come to mind, but he discarded it swiftly-' and a calculating subtle manipulator.' You are, he thought, a prostitute of the mind. And it's your mind that is prostituting itself, before and beyond anyone else's. Although you yourself would never recognize it. And, if you did, you'd say you were forced into it. Yes; forced into it, but by whom? By Jack? By David? By yourself, he though. By wanting two men at the same time-and getting to have both.
Poor Jack, he thought. You poor goddamn bastard. Shoveling shit at the forced-labor camp in Alaska, waiting for this elaborately convoluted waif to save you. Don't hold your breath."
To summarize the rest of the section because i don't want to type it (buts its the end of chapter 4 if you care to look it up).
Kathy and Jason are in a restaurant. He threatens to leave because she is trying to control his actions. She tells him to leave, but if he does she will throw a tantrum.
She tells him she won't be responcible for his life. He tells her she isn't responcbible for her own actions including the fallout of her actions on those around her. She has caused 150 people to go to forced labor camps because of a self centered wish to get Jack out of a forced-labor camp not because she loves him but because she chose him over a delusion and believes he is her only anchor to reality.Jason starts to leave and Kathy has an actual tantrum that forces the waiters to throw her out.
On the street outside Jason tells Kathy 'ok, you won' because he feels trapped by her actions. He realizes he is giving in to her delusional world. He turns to her and tells her she should be in a mental institution and then runs away from her.
A little later Jason come upon a checkpoint where the police are checking documents. Kathy has forged documents for Jason to make him seem legitimate. He passes the checkpoint and Kathy comes out of the shadows to tell him he owes her for doing and good job. She regains her control and manipulation of him.
This is how i feel my life is going with my ESFJ roommate.
She finds out these little things about you and uses them at opportune times to either make you feel good about something she wants or to put pressure on you to give her what she wants. Its like she has the emotional capacity of a 15 yr old with their first crush.
I know there is nothing i can say or do to help her and that she will twist everything i say to use against me. I've run as far away as i can get atm. But she tells those people mutual to us how bad of a person i am and how im being unreasonable trying to undermine any support available to me.
She blames everyone else for the problems she causes and takes no responsibility.
The more aware i become of the level of manipulation the harder it is to find a way out. I can't fix someone who is emotionally damaged, but i have to save myself from being sucked into the delusions.
Where is the keystone in this house of cards?