by, 10-29-2011 at 12:57 AM (284 Views)
When I was young, my father accused me of always trying to change people to make them suit my social preferences more. I couldn't recall what ideas he must have gotten while coming to that conclusion but I was fairly certain that it was something that was untrue.
Regardless, I still accepted his "advice" and what not and as a result, made it a point to accept people for who they are. In fact, my whole duration with the MBTI and this site is also in order go gain understanding of people's different personalities so that I can better understand where they are coming from and accept them for that.
Tightly wound with my principles is accepting people for who they are, embracing that and if I were to influence their behavior in any way, it is only for the growth of their own personality, within their own natural thought process. Perhaps it is one of the things that I will be remembered for as a friend because I don't believe in telling someone to be someone else. In fact, I do my best to inspire them to be the best of what they are.
I believe in helping the INTP become Einstein and the ENFJ become Martin Luther King Jr., not the other way round.
This because through experience, I know how bad it is to feel worthless and for people to constantly tell someone that they are worthless or so much less unless they are someone else completely. One of the biggest culprits I believe is the Church where they often suppress free thoughts instead of answering them and as a result, attempt to somehow "change" someone into something else entirely.
It's not Christianity but rather the Church as a whole. God isn't responsible but the people running the show.
Which is why one day, when I become a parent or the head of an extended family, I would like to see my future generation growing and learning to be more and more mature within their own respective types; ENFJ, INTP, ENTJ, ISFP, ISTP or what not.
However, in my current predicament within my own family now, I continuously see that who I am fundamentally as a person, is constantly being rejected and I am being told more and more everyday to change who I am instead of growing within my own natural ways.
I am constantly being told by my own father everyday that I am simply just not good enough and that I should always be something else and I know that if he continues to further insinuate more of his dogma on me, I would either succumb to his nonsense and fall into depression, changing who I am fundamentally into something I just am naturally not or our relationship would come to a fiery and climatic end. It worries me as it does excite me in a certain manner.
Though I love my own family tremendously, the idea of having a thorn of though suppression completely removed from my back is also very alluring at the same time.
Everyday, I am told that I am too emotional, too trusting of people, I don't use enough logic in my thinking, I am too judgmental with my thinking (even though I keep it well to myself), I am too extroverted and my constant seeking of people is mistaken for running away, my ideas and interests too different and out of the box. Every single suggestion of idea is seen to him as a personal insult which challenges him and as a result, he backs me up against the wall and forces me to be someone else.
Can you see that he is essentially trying to change me into an ISTP while expecting me to be happy at the same time?
One of the reasons why I am here is because here, I find acceptance and care that I simply do not experience in my own family. Many of you understand who I am and often where I am coming from and simply just accept my ideas, regardless of whether or not you agree with it entirely because you understand it is simply an expression and everyone should be entitled to it.
I downright even feel like crying right now even.
If you still remember what I wrote in the first paragraph, you can obviously see that I am being arrested by cops for home burglary when my own home has just been broken into. Emotionally right now, I am at one of my lowest because I feel a sense of hatred towards who I am and towards those who tell me that I am worthless.
I do not want to hate my own father but I am seeing that every moment, he is only finding more reasons to pick at who I am.
I am not good enough physically, mentally, spiritually, academically, and everything not because I do not do well within my own regard, but just not what he was looking for. Though I do my best to support others in being the best that they can be, I do not see the same courtesy being granted back to me. I do not see others loving and accepting me for who I am and just...
I am currently even lost for words to describe how I feel...
It feel weird expressing this but some of you are the closest people I've felt that I could relate to in a long time. In a certain manner, perhaps if I am running towards something, I am running constantly towards people like you.
Not too long ago, my father told me that;
-my aspirations and goals in life are completely wrong and that I should change them
-all the hatred he instilled in me was clearly not of his doing and that I am immature
-my friends are not good enough for me and that I should only mix with certain types of people who are well, supposed to be the "good and clean" people in society
-how I dress and how I look is clearly just insufficient and that I should change ALL of it
-all the plans I've set out to achieve are flawed tremendously and that I should scrap ALL of them
Right at this moment, I feel like slitting a wrist and lying down to prove a point. A point that says that if I am not accepted for who I am, I might as well not live because I am clearly just such a disrespect to what you wanted. I am just not the robot and son you intended to create in the first place.
I know that the pain he would feel from seeing my corpse would hurt him so bad that it might be retribution enough for me. To see him break down and cry as he clings to my lifeless body, no longer alive to feel his tears. I want him to break.
Still, that is only the devil whispering in my ear. It would have been a great injustice for what some of you have done for me and a great letdown towards the few people I've inspired. For that and for you, I soldier on.
I do hope that someday, a lost parent would find this and see the mistakes he or she is about to make and learn from my bad experience. That way, at least I know my suffering has spared someone from a harsh and broken childhood that I similarly had.