by, 08-17-2012 at 06:03 PM (152 Views)
Its been a while since I been on here, Kind of steered away for a bit. I Don;t much like how this site is laid out. Anyway, I thought I'd give it another shot, I came on here originally filled with emotion and ready to vent it all out through writing. Of course I sat here staring at this page for 5 mins trying to figure out where to start. I still don't know to be honest, I am so lost, I have no idea wher eI am going and I am running out of creative ideas to express and channel My thoughts and emotions. Kind of wish there was a switch I could just turn off. I have no one in my life that even knows who I am , i guess I am only to blame, I've faked my way through life pretending to be something I'm not. As I get older, and more aware I am learning how to just be myself, But I am always question on how to do just that, When no matter where I am, who I'm with I feel out of place. All I really want is someone to just listen and say, I understand. Yet no one does. I tried slowly to take off this mask I wear and I am shut down every time. I need to meet new people, An dhow can I do that, when I can't just feel comfortable even for a second to not appear awkward and strange. I haven't figure out if I actually appear that way, or if I just feel like I do. I like to read and learn and read and learn, While everyone around me is talking about Television, games, guys, parties , what to wear If I gave my input on those things it would not fit into their conversation, I hate TV, If I play games it sure isn't farmville on facebook, or call of duty, I am in a long term relationship to relate to the dating scene, and I don't go out to the bar or party and I don't care about how much my clothes cost, what name they are, Everytime I do try and say something actually worth talking about, people question my motives and question me on why I care about these things. I can't share my opinion on a news article on my FB without at least 5 people asking me why I care, Why I have so much time on my hands when it took a whole 5 mins to write my thoughts, or why I am wasting my time, Well excuse me while I go drink my face off, sleep around, spend money I don't have to impress others and join the gaming community. Much more efficient. This post totally went into something I didn't plan on, I guess that's ok. I'm tired of feeling lost and like I always stand alone.