"OMG! ....You need surgery! Otherwise you're screwed!!!"
by, 04-05-2012 at 02:12 PM (601 Views)
The knee rehabilitation specialist just turned around and told me that there's nothing he can do except refer me to someone else because there's no kind of rehabilitation or even pain management technique(s) that will fix my left leg ---
But that there is some hope that perhaps another autograft [this time taken from my healthy leg], might repair at least 1 of my 3 damaged ligaments.
I didn't have the courage to ask him what might happen if I don't get the surgery, but his expressions told me that if I don't at least give it a shot, I'll get more and more disabled with each passing year.
I'm devastated, and don't want to even think about facing reality right now. I don't have anything left to say -- I don't feel positive anymore.
I fear that if I opt for surgery, I have to wait at least another year or so for it.
I fear that even after that year, there's chances that the surgery might fail.
I fear that if this surgery might fail, I might lose some strength and effectiveness in my good leg [because an autograft is basically taking some of the good parts of one leg and putting them in the other].
I fear that all that I have, or will work for till the time of the surgery would mean at least another 3-4 year break in my "career".
Even if I become 60% functional after the surgery, I fear that starting my career at the age of 35 means that I may never reach the heights I'm capable of.
But I fear that if I don't opt for surgery, or give it at least one more shot, I'll be out of any "career" I opt for before I even get started in it. Or at least won't be as successful in it as I want to.
What's the point of having "all the potential in the world" when it keeps getting taken away from me? I'm losing hope so fast right now .. My mouth is opening and no words are coming out. I want to run away, and yet stand firm and face whatever adversity comes my way with my head held high.
I know what I need to do ... but I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know if going in for any kind of surgery and long term rehabilitation will help me achieve anything in the future.
The reality is ... according to the doctor that my knee is deteriorating extremely rapidly ... my quadracep and hamstring muscles are completely atrophied. Rehabilitation will not restore them, because of the existing knee instability, no rehabilitation can be attempted because it will further increase the deterioration. Surgery is the only option.
And surgery means a lot of things ... This will be my 8th surgery [5th on the knee]. The rehabilitation after the surgery is something like 6-8 months.
Yeah. Life sucks. But I guess, I gotta face this latest hurdle with my head held high --- and overcome it. I will prevail. Even though I will lose hope from time to time.
I'm mentioning some of my closest friends in this thread so they are aware of it ---- I'll probably not respond to personal messages, or private chats till I'm ready to talk again. But I wanted to get this message out to everyone that I personally care about because many of you have been with me during this hard time for the past year or so.
@Etherea, @Beyond_B, @shampoo, @violetta, @KC Tan, @Vivid Melody, @seastallion, @Happy about Nothing. , @Razvan, @snail, @Boss, @unico, @Epimer, @Falling Leaves, @Lost in Oblivion, @marzipan01, @MuChApArAdOx, @Niccolo Machiavelli, @Veggie.
Yeah .. I guess it's either time to re-evaluate my goals --- or let things progress as they are and continue down this path like nothing happened.
But I feel like ... I don't feel like I can be extremely positive for a while. Maybe I'll have moments --- good and bad. I just don't know when, how ... I feel almost numb right now ... but at the same time very much incapable of processing this new information.
I apologize if my thoughts are disjointed and I haven't been able to express things clearly enough to make sense to some of you.