Jawz

Yeah .. I've probably been guilty of several "Type Me" threads ... and like an idiot I allowed people who know *nothing* about me to try to tell me who I am. And then I tried to do it myself --- huuuge mistake. I took on traits and characteristics and moulded them as part of my personality -- but the inner me kept nagging and saying that: "You are such an asshole .. what the fuck are you doing? This kind of boxed in mentality isn't you .."

That and I had help from a very close friend who helped me come to this realization last night.

I tried to fit in .. blend in .. gel in .. but the realization came literally over-night that there's really no box that I fit into .. and I don't even know why I allowed myself to try to fit into these boxes. They seemed so perfect on the onset .. The moments "OMG .. this is why I am the way I am!!" But then, I kept on realizing .. only to a point. This is like me .. but this is not like me ..

Why do people think that there is a one size fit all answer to their specific, unique and very individual problems and identities. Why is not being you enough? Why does being you need to be explained through external sources? Do you really need an inauthenticated web-site to tell you that you've got problems when deep down just about everyone is really aware of their problems.

There's things that make us unique. Answer the questions about where were you born? What have your life circumstances been like? How can you change the life circumstances ---- without relying on theories. Find friends. Talk to people.

Reading web-sites and Type Descriptions is nothing but one-way communication. It's talking "to" you, and it's not talking "with" you. It raises more questions than it gives answers. These questions you ask random strangers on the internet can be put in front of people you know - people who know you best.

I spent months talking to people and months later, I realize that no one really knows me. Who am I? That answer lies within myself. No one can ever hope to answer that question in any way that's close to defining the sum of knowledge, wisdom and brain power gained through 31 years of experiences across the world.

I've seen the best of man-kind and I've seen the worst of man-kind. I've seen the best this world has to offer and I've seen the worst this world has to offer. But in the end, I realize that despite all of the self-questioning, there's always been an underlying stream of conscious thought that defines who I really am. I accessed those thoughts recently and I realized that I'm doing something that goes against my very nature.

I've always been unique - and I've been relatively happy being unique - but I allowed the desire to belong to try to fit into boxes that will help me belong and yet the nagging feeling of lack of belonging remains ... and I guess it will remain .. It's my own box .. my own needs, my own motivations, my own fears, my own reactions ... Why did I even think that someone out there will be able to tell me my fears and try to give me solutions to my own problems when I can't figure out the solutions myself.

I've decided to shed both labels that come with this site. And I break the box.