INFJoshua

ok.... didn't see this coming.... that kids show, sonic x is getting to be a little much for me right now in my fragil state

once, durring one of me and my intp friend's 8 hour long ponderings, he told me of a fear he had. when he was young he wanted to try to create life through software. the thing that stopped him was the fear of making a life of pain. could he make that creature happy, or would it just be morbidly depressed? he was afraid that he wouldn't be a good creater. he was afraid of creating pain. a life that had no meaning, no sensation to feel, no movement, just trapped, unable to be loved, unable to kill it's self. it freaked me out thinking about it! remember that scene in prestige when hugh jackman made a copy of himself, saw it, panicked, and shot it? would i do that? if i made this life and it started begging me for meaning and to help it stop hurting, would i panic and unplug it for good?? YIKES!!!

anyway! in this show i'm watching, dr. egg man has seemed to make these robots with a HUGE problem!! they are self-aware why is it a problem??? BECAUSE HE'S A HUGE FUCKING DICK!!! he seems to create them with 1 purpose, to seak love and approval. does he give it to them?? FUCK NO!!! he destroys their self esteem and makes them live in constant fear of being destroyed. when they seek love elsewhere they are marked traitors and destroyed. when they fail the tasks he gives them, he destroys them.

in the one i just watched, he made (i think 5) robots, and sent them out to collect a frog. they all got one frog. they were all so happy because they thought that they could please their master. but only one of them brought back the right frog. the dr. had the others sent bellow to be destroyed. the one servivor opened a door later in the episode. it was his twin brother being taken apart with a drill. he didn't know what to do. he just let out his name "beta...." it showed his face as he looked at his brother being destroyed. cold. built withought the ability to express the emotions he was created with

it fucked me up man!!


it makes me think of my children. i'm so fucking scared!!!! they don't even exist yet, but they are so real to me. are they going to be ok? will they survive? a docter once said to my aunt when she had a miscaraige "it's horrible but the first baby usually doesn't make it to birth. it's just to get the uterus ready." WHAT THE FUCK!!! I COULDN'T FUCKING TAKE IT!!! and if they did survive, would they feel loved? would i fail to love them enough? would they feel like those robots? IS MY OLDEST SON GOING TO WALK INTO THE APARTMENT ONE NIGHT AND FIND HIS LITTLE BROTHER DRUNK ON THE FLOOR COVERED IN PUKE BEGGING HIM TO KILL HIM?? IS MY BABY SON GOING TO HEAR HIS OLDER BROTHER SCREAMING IN PAIN IN HIS ROOM SHAKING OUT OF CONTROL AS HIS STOMACH IS EATING ITSELF OUT AND TRYING AS HARD AS IT CAN EXPELL ALL THE FUCKING PILLS HE COULD GET HIS HANDS ON!! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!! FUCK YOU DAD!!! FUCK YOU MOM!!!! YOU KNOW THE THREE OF US DREAM ABOUT BEING ABUSED BECAUSE AT LEAST WE WOULD FEEL WANTED!!!! YOU FUCKERS!!!! FUCK YOU FOR CHOOSING YOURSELVES!!! FUCK YOU FOR TELLING MY SISTER GOD DOESN'T LOVE HER!!! FUCK YOU FOR NOT LOVING MY LITTLE BROTHER!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU FOR HITTING US!!!! FUCK YOU FOR LETTING ME BE ABUSED BY MY FRIEND!!!! FUCK!!!!! FUCK YOU DAD FOR BEING A SICK RAPIST!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!