Does it ever feel like your screaming inside and no one heres you?
by, 08-17-2012 at 01:10 AM (225 Views)
Or do you ever feel so conflicted that you just dont understand your self because your feeling too many emotions at once and you cant desipher what they are? .....I thought my life was starting to move forward and it was getting better for everyone.....now Im wondering what happened? Everything feels like it just suddenly reversed and went backwards. .....What was the point in being given so much hope, just to have it thrown out the window? You dont have to bother reading this if its depressing or boring, I guess this is just my way of venting. My thoughts are so scattered around I have to type this so I can get some barrings. My dads cancer came back for the third or fourth time a five months ago. So we had him get the stem cell treatment which we heard most of time helped patients. He almost died...but he lived through it luckily. So for five months he was fine he had to walk around with his walker at first then he started walking around like he did normally and he even went back to taking care of the garden again, he eventually was fired from his job because he couldnt work anymore. Were loosing our house and Im selling my horse while trying to make enough money to help my family. My dad eventually got a terrible pain in his back and it was so bad he couldnt even move. It took the doctor three days to get his pain level under control. and now even after all the chemo therapy.....after the stem cell treatment that he almost died from, now the doctors are saying the cancer is back and there is nothing they can do and that he could die any day. My dad and I have never been close, he worked came home watched t.v. and made sure to let me know how stupid I am and how much of a looser I am. Now when I come home hes on so much drugs that hes delushional and hears things. I could be around him before and I sure as hell cant be around him now. I dont want him to die regardless of how he treated me or my mom. When they told me he is going to die, I got lost in a sea of emotion, I dont know what to do or say to him, I know I feel totrured and lost, What am I supposed to say to him ?" Its okay dad despite how you put everyone down, scoffed at us and bullied us and played favorites with one of your sons....Im sorry this happened to you?" I never could talk to ethier of my parents, still dont think I can. Again sorry about the woes me crud but if you have any advice or you can even help me understand whats going on with me Id appreciate it, sometime with so many emotions going through me I just dont think even I can understand myself. Does it make me a selfish person if Im avoiding my dad like this or am just being a coward?