horsewhisper3

Does it ever feel like your screaming inside and no one heres you?

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horsewhisper3
, 08-17-2012 at 01:10 AM (246 Views)
Or do you ever feel so conflicted that you just dont understand your self because your feeling too many emotions at once and you cant desipher what they are? .....I thought my life was starting to move forward and it was getting better for everyone.....now Im wondering what happened? Everything feels like it just suddenly reversed and went backwards. .....What was the point in being given so much hope, just to have it thrown out the window? You dont have to bother reading this if its depressing or boring, I guess this is just my way of venting. My thoughts are so scattered around I have to type this so I can get some barrings. My dads cancer came back for the third or fourth time a five months ago. So we had him get the stem cell treatment which we heard most of time helped patients. He almost died...but he lived through it luckily. So for five months he was fine he had to walk around with his walker at first then he started walking around like he did normally and he even went back to taking care of the garden again, he eventually was fired from his job because he couldnt work anymore. Were loosing our house and Im selling my horse while trying to make enough money to help my family. My dad eventually got a terrible pain in his back and it was so bad he couldnt even move. It took the doctor three days to get his pain level under control. and now even after all the chemo therapy.....after the stem cell treatment that he almost died from, now the doctors are saying the cancer is back and there is nothing they can do and that he could die any day. My dad and I have never been close, he worked came home watched t.v. and made sure to let me know how stupid I am and how much of a looser I am. Now when I come home hes on so much drugs that hes delushional and hears things. I could be around him before and I sure as hell cant be around him now. I dont want him to die regardless of how he treated me or my mom. When they told me he is going to die, I got lost in a sea of emotion, I dont know what to do or say to him, I know I feel totrured and lost, What am I supposed to say to him ?" Its okay dad despite how you put everyone down, scoffed at us and bullied us and played favorites with one of your sons....Im sorry this happened to you?" I never could talk to ethier of my parents, still dont think I can. Again sorry about the woes me crud but if you have any advice or you can even help me understand whats going on with me Id appreciate it, sometime with so many emotions going through me I just dont think even I can understand myself. Does it make me a selfish person if Im avoiding my dad like this or am just being a coward?
Saoirse1969 thanked this post.

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  1. midnightstar's Avatar
    You're not being selfish or a coward, it sounds to me like you're overwhelmed. Is there anyone outside of your family you can talk to who can give you a few R/L hugs? Internet hugs coming your way
  2. Saoirse1969's Avatar
    It's not "woe is me" crap. It's going through hell. This is certainly a valid reason for feeling conflicted. He is your birth father and you only get one of those so all your dreams of a healthy father/daughter relationship is trashed for certain. You will certainly feel sorrowful & rageful too.

    It isn't fair and it isn't sweet. I'm glad you are getting out your feelings so that you can at some point sort through them and heal eventually. I am so sorry for your pain, but you seem like you're strong enough to survive & then thrive from this.

    I went through a similar thing in 2005 when my father died. There was no healthy relationship between us and no hope of ever having one in this lifetime.

    I want you to remember one thing... being brave is not the absence of fear, it's moving forward in SPITE of fear.
    horsewhisper3 thanked this post.
  3. horsewhisper3's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Saoirse1969
    It's not "woe is me" crap. It's going through hell. This is certainly a valid reason for feeling conflicted. He is your birth father and you only get one of those so all your dreams of a healthy father/daughter relationship is trashed for certain. You will certainly feel sorrowful & rageful too.

    It isn't fair and it isn't sweet. I'm glad you are getting out your feelings so that you can at some point sort through them and heal eventually. I am so sorry for your pain, but you seem like you're strong enough to survive & then thrive from this.

    I went through a similar thing in 2005 when my father died. There was no healthy relationship between us and no hope of ever having one in this lifetime.

    I want you to remember one thing... being brave is not the absence of fear, it's moving forward in SPITE of fear.
    Thank you, I really appreciate this. I guess on my fathers behalf I can say he gave us a roof over our head and food on the table, He showed me how Im not going to treat my children and make them feel like the 'other one' in the family. He spoiled my little brother rotten so now he has an attitude that he can do whatever he wants, when dads gone Im not sure what we can do to control him. With how my little brother acts part of me still doesnt understand how he became dads favorite. I can tell he 'tries' to tollerate my other little brother but he had no interest in me unless my chores werent done yet or if there was something he could send me to work on. I just dont understand it, I was always quiet in school never did anything wrong and my little brother gets into all kinds of trouble and does all these sports compared to a little wall flower like me and he really seems to love him more. I guess Im just being jelous, Ill never forget how he told my little brothers he loved them before glancing in my direction and just shutting the door to go to work. I just cant understand him, despite trying my best to just stay out of trouble and make everyone happy, despite everything I did and everything he said to me, I just dont understand how I feel like the black sheep in this family. What was it that my brother had that earned my dads acceptance? The disrespect towards everyone but him, how violent he could be, winning a bunch of stupid trophies? doing tobacco? Lying? Stealing? He would always let my brother off easy on those things, I just dont understand my dads thinking....
    Saoirse1969 thanked this post.
  4. horsewhisper3's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by midnightstar
    You're not being selfish or a coward, it sounds to me like you're overwhelmed. Is there anyone outside of your family you can talk to who can give you a few R/L hugs? Internet hugs coming your way
    Thank you, I have a friend of mine who I know is itching to talk to me about this with me and Ill get to see her on the third. I think everything is still slowly sinking in, Im still feeling shocked when my mom says how are we going to deal with this without dad. Im still feeling very conflicted. I still feel like all my emotions and thoughts are at war within me. I hate when my emotions are all over the place inside me, I feel like I cant think properly, but thank you I really apppreciate your support. :)
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