Herp

This post is entirely self-indulgent.

It's sole purpose is allowing me to write about myself to see if I can find something to read about myself and eventually learn more about myself. I'm a very interesting subject of study for me.

(I also have some typology things to bring to the table, but let's wait until then.)

So, uh, interviewing myself, here's the open question.

What is it like to be me?

I'm a decent guy. I'm trying to figure out my way around the world and trying to enjoy my stay here. Sometimes, I try to look like I know what I'm doing, so I look cool and all, but I really don't know shit. I don't think anyone does. So, day by day, I'm trying to learn a new lesson and achieve peace and happiness. More peace than happiness, but since you can't have much peace without happiness, peace and happiness.

I'm apparently very calm, collected, meticulous and calculating. In reality, I'm very dramatic, scattered, laissez-faire-ish and impulsive. I just don't like showing out this to others - I don't want them finding out that I don't know anything. So, I keep these traits under a protected containment unit, right below my spleen, to avoid weird looks, but given enough time and trust, this side shows up and I'm an explosion of emotions and shit-like.

I'm very people-oriented I guess I'm a people-pleaser. I find it really hard to admit this, but I am - I want to make everyone pleased with my actions. Can I achieve this? Most of the time, yes. At least no one is displeased, as far as I know. Why do I do this? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I accepted that I have a need to be perfect. I may show no flaws or else I beat the crap up of myself. What's flawed varies wildy from person to person, but stilll, I don't want to look flawed in other people's eyes. What is a flaw for me? Being incapable of doing that what others do with ease. It makes me feel like the crappiest crap.

I know for a fact that I avoid doing things I never did before. I lean on close people to do things for me that I don't want to deal with - be it talking to people, shopping, mostly talking to people. It's not about social anxiety, to be honest, it's because I don't feel comfortable sending orders to others or denying things to others (see people pleasing above).

And as I was writing the last paragraph, I noticed that this unease exist only when I need to express my demands and needs. That's it. I don't feel comfortable in expressing my needs and wishes. It doesn't feel right. Comercial negotiation feels like a nightmare, because I feel like I'm imposing my will over another individual - I tend to agree, or even better, comply with others because I don't feel comfortable in expressing my wishes and needs.

And it explains a lot about the problems I have with my own sexuality. Like, a lot. A real fucking lot. So much I don't even know what to write next. Wow. Holy shit - sex is uncomfortable for me because I'm more concerned in meeting the expectations of my performance (see people pleasing, above) than expressing and meeting the needs and desires of my body. Wow. Holy wow.

That's why I feel such a strong disconnection from my body. Wow.

My feelings right nwo can be summarized in one picture. This:



I'm wondering how and in which areas can I start to express my needs and demands without feeling guilty about doing so. Uhm, I guess I have a new question then.

What do I want for myself?

Hell, I don't know. Right now, I want stability. I want a good income, I want to have options in entretainment, I want an accepting lover - I want a dream, I guess. I want not to have to worry about feeling restrained, unloved, struggling to get my head out of the mud. That's what I meant with peace and happiness in the above question.

I guess that the lesson to be learned is that, if I want something, I have to try get it. I have to acknowledge that I want this something and try to get it. Do I know right now what I want? I don't. I never knew what I wanted. I don't know what my dreams are.

If I asked myself: What I ever wanted to be? Hell, I don't really know clearly. I wanted to be a health educator a couple of months ago, I don't want anymore. I never stick with anything long enough to be a long term dream. I'm always changing.

I don't know why it feels so wrong to assert myself. I feel like I'm being a major douchebag, even if I'm right. It's like I'm more pleased with pleasing someone else rather than pleasing myself, but in an unhealthy way.

I want a goat. It's impratical, but I'd like a goat. I want to make mistakes without caring for them. I want to be happy in being wrong. I want to take the wrong choice and be happy with this. That's what I want for myself. There will be people saying: "I told you so!", but I won't care, because it's MY DECISION. I want to jump from the high plate without looking before leaping. I want to get hurt and laugh at the bruises. I'm tired of being psychologically tidy, but unhappy.

And look, that's what I want! I want to have rough edges all over my personality. I want to have as many mistakes as I could possibly have and wear them proudly.

I'm looking at the things that scare me the most right now (sexuality, I'm looking at you). I will go there, try, get bruised, get pissed, but I will try. I may not fulfill what others expect of me, but I will be doing what I want, won't I?

I want to get dirty! I want to mess everything! I'm tired of lacking stains, of being a robot.

And as a closing comment, I will get dirty. Expect changes, because they are coming.