by, 09-10-2010 at 02:02 PM (398 Views)
It's this feeling I hate, when I can't feel anything. when i no longer give a shit about you and you no longer care about me. I guess it got too rough babe. I guess that drama was just too much for us. did we burn out, did we forget to love, are we getting old, sick of each other even. I thought life osmehow renewed itself, I thought relationships became stronger and fortified over time.
maybe it's me.
I am just too fucked up to even know up from down anymore.
all i know is I hate it, and it just makes me want to start more shit again.
fucking happiness is a mask, a pleasure mask that others can use and feel amazing but in the end I am left blind. what am I here for if the people in my life are no longer affected by me. I have no point. What happens when my positive energy doesn't tranfer? why can't I absorb it in.
I NEED the conflict, cause without it I would feel dead inside. dead and happy.
a totall crap shoot of nothing in this world that feels like so much more.
I wish I could explain better but I just see a bright and wonderful future for everyone, I see how perfect people can be and then I just feel left over. I would say I am being overdramatic, but I feel underdramatic and at the same time I don't want to become that hurricane of emotion, ripping down walls in the souls of those that surround me, cause really do those ever heal?
yeah I feel better knowing my friends a little better, getting closer to that true connection where I can bring something special again to them. I guess without the crap, without me barging in I will never know how to bring in the joy...
it just feels like I do nothing these days.
even when i was doing what the world saw as nothing I felt more active, more alive, more me.
but now I am sober, sober not only from alcohol and marijauna but from my friends, my life. the people I thought I shared love with...
am i really this dead inside.
I know I am having an off day. it could just be the chemicals in my brain. it might be the fact that I have to consume four energy drinks every day I have at school. I don't know. maybe I needed to ask for help. but in all honesty, every time I open up to someone they hurt me. I don't understand this way of helping people. I dont get why I am ripped to shreds everytime I try to talk about my feelings, things going on in my life. maybe I do that to you, and you all just wait until I open up to finally get revenge while all the while pretending to be my friends. whatever it is I am unsure about a lot of things right now.
I know I am here though. with people. and I guess I will never know if god exsists or if we are meant to live in perfect harmony for forever,or what in life is good or bad but I do know that i will keep trying. I have to. to keep sharing, to try to keep helping, even if I feel confused and like no one wants me anymore. I have to keep coming back, keep posting online or something because without that stretch of action, without reaching out and trying to touch you I feel I might as well just end my own life.
When people talk about ending their lives it seems sad to some but to me it just seems pointless. either you don't give up and you keep tyring to connect with others or... you have figured it out. you finally realized it was pointless all along, and then you just off yourself. I can't... I can't prove it is pointless. but I cannot prove it doesn't have a point either. so I am stuck in the middle I guess. looking to live, with death by my side. maybe I am the closest one to it, but I know that feeling special in this world has also been hard for me. I don't want to feel special or unique. I feel weak that way. I hate the games. I hate thinking everything is about me cause people keep telling me it isn't... but i guess we can also make whatever we want up in our imaginations...
I just wish I knew the healthiest imaginative midset to follow.
and I don't want to not create anything. if it is already perfect than why are we here, why do I feel this drive to push everyone to push myself in all the ways not common to the massives.
I don't know. I used to be this very akward and weird guy who tried so hard to just be what everone else found so easy to just be. go to school everyday, use the same jokes as the other kids, try to change the way I walked and talked thinking somehow I could be what everyone wanted me to be. Now I am trying to make everyone else into what I want them to be.
maybe I feel like I finally know people, or am at least starting to.
I dunno anymore.
nothing else is coming to me as far as writing goes.
hopefully some good times come from this small bout of apathy and I can once again be who I was five years ago. a bright happy individual with friends who I cared about and they care about me. I keep following this path, wondering where it leads me, looking for the small glimer of light associated with the next point on my roadmap, those glowing figures in the distance dance into my viewfinder as I take a picture knowing I am somehow on the right path.
The future is bright. It really is. even if I see the obstacles I only want one direction, that of the possibilities that we can make in this world.
I just wish you could see that.
maybe you do.
I just wonder why you feel there is no hope.
and then I wonder if you do not trust me.
and it makes me feel I shouldn't trust you.
and then i feel more lost.
destroyed and further from my goal.
thats why i follow the things a I follow.
If only you knew how important you will be and are.