freyaliesel

Do you ever have trouble telling the difference between loving somebody as a friend and falling for somebody?

Can you tell the difference between infatuation and real, lasting feeling?

I can't, and it kills me.

I have this friend that I met online. From the very beginning, I felt my heart flutter at the way he expressed himself in words. I contacted him because he intrigued me. We got along and our friendship grew. But always at the back of my mind has been this voice telling me that I liked him more then as a friend. Highly intelligent, quirky, idealistic, and funny, and possessing a depth of feeling of which I have only seen the surface. I want to get inside his head and know him as well as he knows himself and more. I want to be a part of his life.

But do I really? Have I put him on an impossible pedestal that he could never realistically measure up to? Have I read into his written words meaning that isn't actually there? Even worse, am I manufacturing this feeling for him out of frustration with the people I actually physically interact with? Do I really care this much or am I deluding myself?

I have hurt people in the past by convincing myself that I have feelings for people that aren't actually there. Because once that shiny new veneer is scratched, I lose interest. I no longer care. My plaything has lost its appeal and I am searching for something new that hasn't been tinted by reality.

I don't know what to do, and it's torturing me. I want to tell him, but I'm afraid of what the response would be. If he doesn't feel the same, will he grow cold and distant? Will this friendship that has built over the last 3 years fade and disappear into the past, like so many other relationships that I have had throughout my life? Can things go on like before? With my feelings out in the open, like an elephant in the room? Could I stand it? Could he? Or what if he does? If this thing that feels like it could be love turns out to be mutual? If his feelings match mine, or if his is real and my feelings are just obsession? Or what if this is real, how would I proceed? I have no experience to rely on, no memories of what to do or not do.

I'm going in loops and it's stressing me out, and I think he knows that's something is up. But I don't know if I can put myself out there, but I don't know if I can't.