Enfp girl desperately sick of this severe over analyzn anxious situation
by, 07-24-2012 at 01:44 AM (635 Views)
this is my first post on here and I'm finally reaching out.
im a ENFP girl and mid 20s.
Usually I am bubbly, I'm good looking in society's norm,
pie appear confident and outspoken and social on my High days, and my friends can never tell I have these issues and don't understand how bad it is.
I grew up in a divorced family that was back and forth
i was the only child
i was abused mentally and physically by mum, who also had a horrible childhood.
I understood and forgave her as a child and accepted her hit and cold and violent moods..
i adored my dad and he gave me unconditional love
he seems to be a alcoholic from what he says, he has depression and I love him and i watched them both go through miserable stages
i watched dad through out his depression and crying and drinking
and I'm not sure if that gave me my depressed ttendencies.
i was sexually abused in a small but still significant way by a relative who I loved and who loved me but was drunk.
it was a strange experience and I'm not sure if it's damaged me .
i was a award ugly ducking in primary and high scoop due to mums strict up bringing
I never had a grudge with my mum until 15 when I was forced to live with my grandma who was a sick manipulative lying lady who went from loving to cruel.
They pushed mum to get marred and for me to live there
i felt betrayed, hurt and left and eventually went to live with my dad and his wife,
Phil wife was a mean woman who always caused dramas and called me names like snake as a kid, she blamed me for her miscarriage ,
And I became a rebel while living with dad, for once I gained freedom and I expressed myself with my style hair and makeup
i suddenly became hot and suddenly was on a high
i never had anxiety it awkward feelings at that stage I was just extremely happy go lucky
I lived dad but he drank and had depression and I was rebelling,
i was kicked out a couple of Times due to his wifes dramas and me being apparently the cause,
i loved my dad to death and only a couple of times did I hold a slight grudge
I grew up watching da go through depression and cry and drink and talk his sorrows to me as a kid,
inwatched mum be random and high and low but extremely strong and motivated and somehow even sepertated from her emotions half the time,
to the point I at times thought she may have a split personlaity
but she doesn't.
At 18 my heart got broken,
i was cheated on and betrayed and virginity taken And experienced my first anxiety attacks and insomnia and obsessive poetry writing
in the lead up I had anger problems that I took out in a relationship and belittled him and was ashamed of myself.
i never wanted to be my mum.
I got into another relationship and felt strong feelings and eventually in the end once we broke up and I felt extremely betrayed and left and completely rejected and abandoned old feelings must of come back
My anxietys got worse
a eating disorder devekoped
and a social phobia shortly after once I started smoking weed and becoming overly paranoid and stuck in a shit situation with a lot if hurt in my heart
mt childhood started to come up and affect me
being molested even came to mind,
I was sexually touched in a slight way a couple of times but by a significant person I loved,
i forgave, I understood the persons issues
i don't think I'm affected by that
as the years passed I became more self aware the social phobia lasted 6 strong months and and I continued to try fight it without medication
i have never been ok since my young days, it's only gotten worse it seems
i got into another relationship where as usuall I got the guy smitten for my own low self esteem
i was in control and feeling wanted,
regardles in the end the relationship became emotionally and mentally abusive and destructive like the last one
i left him a million times and he still tries to be around and support me but I'm smart as a ENFP and I know I need better And I dread. Unhappy married life full of insult and no one to mentally stimulate me.
i need to be understood and respected and adored
I now go through the most severe stages where I over analyzs myself and people And close friends
I have hated eye contact for a few years as it makes me feel uncomfortable with most ppeople and my over analyzing ways go like this:
I analyze body language of others
eye contact and the windows to the soul
i seem to believe strongly in my assumptions and instincts
and think I'm picking up on there awkward vibes or moods
i become so aware that I become self aware ,
akward, weirded out and I try to keep being social and act normal
im no longer on a confident high in one on one situations or sometimes even groups if it's a bad day
My anxiety seems to be getting worse these days
i have started experiencing a lump in my throat that makes it hard to beeath
As well as my stomach feeling anxious and my mind rushing with thoughts and assumptions and feelings and senses
i hate myself when I get like this
i feel like a messed up person
and even like I'm sick
I feel like a weird people out
inasked. Couple girl mates if I did
they said no
but I did not believe them
incant believe that they did not feel awkward or weird
i wish there was a ENFP there to ask
i had my dad and relative over this weekend
i messed up and took a ddrugging became ten times more self aware like a failure
like the black sheep, the relative makes me feel attract way even if she is not trying too
her stories, her eyes, her certain comments
i don't trust no one but my own feelings and instincts at these overly crazy in the mind times
ive been stiff for two days and anxious
couldnt shake it
sonhard to keep eye contact
i get paranoid they can read my eyes and see through
and maybe even see my slight jealousy when she was talking about her daughters accomplishments I would never be jealous or guarded if I didn't feel like I'm looked at like the f'D up unstable always between jobs girl,
Im tired of getting this way
with my own best friend I'll feel aka add when I know he loves me dearly
and is always honest
im tired of becoming like this with my dad and over analyzing him when I do see him and assuming there is something wrong,
He always says no but I can't seem to believe it and I become depressed or anxious
i want to be my normal happy high confident self
i don't want to have problems with looking these people in the eyes
i don't want to over analyze or see or feel or believe the things I feel or see
im tired of feeling like. Might be I'll when I get like this
im tired of not being able to hold a job
i don't want to be labelled as anything
or take medication
i need help
educated opinions even
i need support
i want to get better for ever
i get scared at times when. It gets severely bad and I just walk of from a experience feeling like a was a complete obvious mess