Euphoric Nocturne

The following is an example of pure unadulterated stream of consciousness from yours truly. I would have placed this in the INFP Stream of Consciousness Thread but I think I may have gone a little overboard. It' started when I was a little upset about two hours back and was trying to find a way to let a little steam and nihilism out there. It had then found itself taking very erratic turns and it is now what it is. It may appear as if two people are talking to each other, but let's just imagine it is me talking to another me on a very comfy sofa. I feel better now, thanks.

Well, it's been a long time since I've wanted to post something to my blog. I guess it's only when brought to the edge of gloom. It has been a very long time since I had any decent conversation with anyone. It made me come to the conclusion that by the standards of others, I have no life. I don't think I have any friends, the closest person to a friend has moved away and is beyond a reasonable distance of travel. I fear of what I may regress to when I age further into adulthood. I suddenly thought of the character Seymor Parrish of the movie "One Hour Photo". I may see myself as someone who does not have anyone to come home to. A barren apartment with a bed to sleep and a desk to work. I am currently dedicating myself to my non-profit as it gives me a sense of purpose since I found academics and college to be somewhat unfulfilling. There were days when it feels surreal, the white florescent lights shine upon the white ceiling for it to reflect back on to me. I found myself exceedingly efficient in what I do. After all, it doesn't require much thinking. Just data entry, copying, running errands. There are times when the people I work with are amazing, they are what brighten my day, and there many a time when the same attitude brings me down. There are times when just hearing them talk about their daily lives made me feel sad. What do I do everyday and what do I come home to when the day is done. I am in a cycle of frustration and anger as all those around me apparently do not care as much as I do. I find it so hard when no one around me seems to care and those who do are unable to help. This is not what I wanted. My childhood friends told me I was going to be isolated if I didn't go out with them and hang out. But I think I knew what was going on. I was already isolated from the start. Being different was what isolated me from them, the naivety of children was what isolated me. Their aversion to what was unlike them isolated me. I was different from them, there was no question about that. Everybody knew. I was alienated to see that in a classroom of 8 boys that were outnumbered by the girls there was a list. A popularity list to rank this concept of "popularity" With my childhood friends standing at the top three and the ones who were disliked at the bottom two. I was rated at number 6. When you think about it, I was never hated, nor was I particularly popular. I was just there, a blip on the radar. I don't want to be like this, I'm so tired of feeling isolated. I'm so tired of being empty. Should I be searching for a way to end this emptiness ? Hmm, why should I be expending my energy looking for someone when waiting would seem more reasonable. But why should I have to wait when it seems like an eternity. *Sighs* I just need to stop thinking about my past, it's over, nothing good can come of it. What can I do now? Well, in the mean time, just do what you enjoy right now. Go to the beach every morning, watch the sunrise, make it feel like you are on the edge of the earth. Those are one of the places where I feel content, like there are no other problems to think about. It is a place where I feel accepted. I just know that if I can accept myself without fail, everything else should be fine. But do I? No, I don't. I don't because of how other people make me feel about myself. But we shouldn't let ourselves be bound to such things. *Scoffs* easier said than done. It is the very look on their faces that affect me. It is not what they say so much that affects me as much as their faces, as it is much more easier to say something you don't mean. But to feel it, to express it on your face is a different story. For someone to give me a sincere smile that says "Hi", I find that uplifting, it's the look in their eyes as if they are smiling as well. But there was another type of smile that I noticed, it felt rather unsettling as I couldn't determine what they were feeling. The smile of their mouth was there but the smile of their eyes was not there, it seemed like a look of ridicule, like there was something laughable in me, not to laugh with me, but at. It is the very thought of that which could bring me down for the rest of the day. There would be a time when I look into a mirror and see something that should be ridden of, something to look away from. I did see that look in people as well, people who look away from me, down and to the side was their direction. Do I scare them? Are they afraid I may peer into their soul or do they just not find me appealing to look at. Let's bring it to my perspective. Why would I look away from someone? Why would I look down and to the side. If I saw someone who I didn't find particularly attractive, would I look down and to the side? No, that seems to obvious. Like I'm deliberately trying not to stare, too impolite. No, just look at them casually and give the nod that says "hey". Aha!! maybe it's the people who I find attractive that I actively look away from, that could be it!!! That feeling that says "she's pretty, I don't think she'll like me so why bother trying to catch her eye so I'll just look away ..." Hmm... I don't know about that. I just remembered that that reaction of mine consists of looking straight ahead without diversion as if focused on the horizon, not particularly a down and to the left kind of thing. WAIT JUST A MINUTE, did you just realize how much time you spent going into detail about peoples facial reactions and body language. This is starting to be too much of a tangent. Ah, an epiphany!!! The feeling of unworthiness!!! People would be likely to shy away when given an opportunity to look face to face.... that's what I just said, only worded differently. *clears throat* anyways, it's probably just a matter of aesthetics, it's not like they know you and why should that matter, right? Well, there is the topic of first impressions. Well yeah, isn't it the people who get to know you who are more important than some stranger who you'll never see? Yes, but the world is far too busy. Not everyone can get to know you, maybe not even half would care to get to know you, they probably just want to take you at face value. and doesn't that envelop the general opinion? Well, then we're back to the question as to why should I care What makes them so important? Maybe it's less about what people think and more about how you perceive yourself? Nahhhhh. It's more likely that what people perceive of you is what enforces how you perceive yourself, which then enforces how people see you, sorta like an infinite cycle of image reinforcement? Well then, let's get hypothetical. I'm walking down the street, level head, good posture, walking dilligently, with purpose. A bunch of people in a car pull up, laughing and pointing their fingers at you. Wait a minute, that's not hypothetical, that actually happened. Well, they were just a bunch of yuppie sports fans anyway, it's not like their opinion matters right? But I think what I'm trying to get at is that such an occurence ought to make you question your current self-image. You may ask yourself, why are they laughing? what's so funny? is my fly open? Well the thing is that what actually happened is that...I don't know, they just laughed and pulled away, I was pretty glum for a while after that...*sighs* I think I just lost my train of thought... oh great