Chiming in once more.
by, 10-22-2010 at 10:16 AM (256 Views)
(If you like, you may play this before, during, or after reading to establish mental atmosphere)
Euphoric Nocturne chiming in. I do say it has been quite a while since I have had any activity here on Personality Cafe. Quite a long time indeed. I am excited at the prospect of meeting new people as the very nature of this place fluctuates with time, like traveling to the future, I'm sorry but time travel is on my mind as I have been playing a doctor who themed 20 questions game online.
Okay, Let this be a forewarning that anything I may write after this may be long and lengthy as I have adjusted myself to a more pure stream of consciousness thought. I had to do this as a necessity due to my massive tendencies of paralysis of analysis. so think of yourself in a dream where things may make sense but in a sort of non-linear erratic sort of way so I may advise against those who would prefer things that are straight-to-the-point. It's go time.
As I may have said before here however I am unsure if anyone may remember, I first came here because of the negativity and isolation I was going through at point in my life. I felt restless and lonely :(. I had begun a process of attempted self-discovery in an attempt to stop these feelings. I wanted to learn more about myself so I could find a way for such feelings to stop. Some time after my discovery of the MBTI, I had stumbled upon PerC. I was astonished by the nature of the threads as well as the website as a whole. It felt like a community where people genuinely related to each other from across the globe. There were times where I found myself laughing at various posts as well as enjoying what the minds and thoughts of others had to offer. It provided me with a great place to vent and provided me with ears which no other place or website (I'm looking right at you facebook).
There would also be times where the site would have it's fair share of... let's call it bullshitery for a lack of a better word. I would worry that establishing a sort of personal connection with the website would not fare well for me later on. There has been times where what I saw would bring me to bouts of anger and frustration and even to despair. But I suppose that is to be expected along with the instances when it has brighten my day and made me very happy.
Even as this had happen, the course of my life had brought me to a point where I was before, isolation and frustration. Adding to it was a technical difficulty involving Facebook (yup, that's right) preventing me from posting in the forums. Someone had also mentioned that being at personality cafe was not like it had used to be. I think I could agree with that at the time. Things felt like they were growing more hostile, turbulent, and just generally uncomfortable for me, the latter of which is attributed to my own personality and faults, to which is at the fault of no other. However, there were and still are a great number of people there whom I respect and admire because of their intelligence, warmth and so many things I cannot list off the top of my head.I think this may be the third or fourth time I have mentioned this somewhere, but I the thought of me not being here anymore would would indicate my withdrawal from life. For the past few months I can honestly say I felt like disappearing. I've grown restless. I would spend so much time just pacing back and forth in an unlit room in the middle of the night. There would be periods of me just wandering outside followed be periods of me just shutting myself in. I would try to find ways just to distract myself and keep my mind occupied from its ever increasing tendency of negativity, it was at the point where I could even recall how long it has been since I had last been hugged (5 months).
Each time I have thought about going back to PerC, it has been met with apprehension, I was not sure if I ever felt like going back, but now I am sure that I must do so as a necessity and that I must not prolong this negative state any further.
For the past month or two, I have been trying to put together a project that consists of other projects in an attempt to remedy my current situation. The project is titled "Catharsis", it is a means to bring me back to what it was, it may take any shape or form whether it be in writing or on video. For the most part it may just be in writing to get my thoughts out. This whole thing I'm writing here was meant to be an introduction to that project, but it is starting to feel like just another ramble but I really don't care anymore :). I will post each part of this project in my blog as well as the forum simultaneously so that it may reach those who dwell in each part of the spectrum separately. If it turns out that I am still unable to post on the forums, then my activity at PerC will consist only of PMs, blogs, and visitor comments. I will post more in the near future. Hopefully you will see more from me later on.