The Burden of the Wanderer/The Edge of Darkness/The Euphoric Nocturne
by, 08-04-2010 at 01:54 AM (354 Views)
It seems that all the good blog ideas I have never seem to come to fruition. It's always the bad ones that make it here. I am just at a loss right now. *sighs* Right now, I can't post anything into PerC due to an issue with Facebook as the two accounts are connected. So I will vent here. I'm not sure if I want to say what I want to say so I may seem a bit vague.
As I said. I am at a loss. I'm tired of feeling these certain feelings. They make me go from elated to depressed. Being in this house is not doing me well. My habits in this house are not doing me well. I'm supposed to be volunteering at the office but here I am awake at 2:30 in the morning. I need sleep, but I'm just not in the mood. I don't want to feel this. It hurts. It's been a while since someone gave me a hug. I think I need one right now. But I doubt that would suffice. Hugging myself didn't work. Hugging my pillow didn't work. I just want to know what it's like to be held and embraced, but not just by anyone. I want it out of sincerity and concern. One that says "I understand", one that says "I care about you", one that provides my soft and weak side asylum from the nightmares and anguish my own mind presents itself with. There is no solace within it. Only a constant ever changing battleground. Life is so much like that.
On reflecting on my life, I am reminded of the situations a mortal turned immortal faced. That is to feel that there is no end in sight. That while everyone else comes and goes. The self stays the same.
I really feel like that now. I can see so many things change before my eyes. People grow, amazing people come into my life. Then they go away. Knowing that it is inevitable that the good people I see before my eyes will never see or hear from me again. To know that some things will slip through my fingers. To know that you will not be aware of what you have missed until after it has happened. To torment yourself with what you should have done. To know that there is no choice but to move on.
One morning during my usual walk at dawn. I saw something that gave me an epiphany, a revelation. I always walk to the lake in the morning. As I left the house, it was dark, I thought it was rather unusual knowing the usual time of dawn. It was not until I had approached further to the lake that I had finally realized. All but a crack in the sky was shrouded with the clouds.
This was what I saw:
I was captivated with what I saw as I stood there. But it was not until my contemplation as I lay in bed that I realized something. When I stood out there, the whole sky was dark as the night with the exception of the light from the edge. That is where I stood. I was under the shade of night looking at the brightness that lie in the distance. That is where I stand in life. Not just in regards to time, but how I was and how I am and how I will be.
Although I think your assumptions so far about this though may be a little different from what I have right now. You may think that this means that as things are bad now, it will get better in the future. That is quite the reasonable guess. But that was not what I had though that night in bed. Where I stand is what I believe to be my domain, my "home". I always had a thing for nighttime and to look off into the distance. The thought is this: it is that no matter where I stand in life, I tend to focus on what is distant and unreachable. I can't seem to focus or pay as much attention to what is going on in the present (hence, the darkness under which I stood) which may make me oblivious. But that I worry about what is past and the future, what has been and what may be (The horizon being the distant and the light of the horizon being the source of my attention).
I stand at the edge of darkness. I think about what has been and what will be. Yet as it lie beyond my reach, I am powerless. At least I feel that way. Everything is so overwhelming right now. I don't know what to do. As what will be approaches and approaches, it already happens as while I continue to worry about what may be. However, I cannot see, for I am still under the cloak of night, and before I know it. It has already gone, I notice as it is now too late to do anything about that.
It is easiest to become a beacon of light, just as it is easy to be a shadow in a world of so-called "light". Through the night I shine in the hopes that my call can be heard. Through the day I wander in the hopes that I find what I search for. And hope that either endeavor does not prove to be fruitless, for that is when I give up on my self. Strangely enough, I can see that looming in the horizon.
It is through the darkness and silence of the night that I can see the dim glow of the superficially insignificant. But what I see is not a dim glow, but the brightest of what stands before me. Through the silence it is easier to hear the songs of the nocturnal. To hear that I am not the only one to enjoy. It is only through the calm and silent night that I can hear the softest of voices that brings me serenity. It is the sight and sound that I wait for and search for that may provide respite for me at the end of my journey. And that it prepares me for the journey thereafter.
Euphoric Nocturne is my name. It is my identity. It is what I use to call out to the world in the hopes that one will answer. It is also what I search and wait for, and that is what stands out the most where others cannot see. Before I even knew it, it has ingrained itself into my existence. It was a part of me long before it ever had a name.
With each passing day, I grow more tired and weary. I hope you can hear me as I ride through your thoughts. I hope you can see me as I traverse your imagination, in which I hope that I can return the favor.