Euphoric Nocturne

The following is a journal entry written by yours truly on 5/5/09. I had written this during a time of extended periods of stress as it was the first time I had entered college. It was a completely new environment in which I was emotionally isolated and on the verge of a mental breakdown, no matter how many people surrounded me I felt empty at the time and was desperate to vent my frustrations. As a result, I wrote this in an attempt to remind myself of what made me who I am today. Things are slightly better now but I see it as imperative to write out any thoughts that actually make me write a journal out of as journal entries by me are usually written when under extreme stress and on the brink of a breakdown, and that I see PC as one of the most suitable places. I now present what was originally titled "A Brief History Behind the Black & White Photo"

I think I've held it in long enough. I also think it wouldn't matter anymore if I threw it out in the air. If anyone who knows me in real life stumbles upon this, now you know.

They say it was better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. I am the latter, to have to think about that drives me insane at times. I remember my times in 5th and 6th grade when my classmates would delve into the world of who liked who, "goin out with each other". I'm sure that would have been something nice to talk about when you grow older. The only thing I ever did was watch as my childhood friends progress in that aspect of their lives as I watched on. I felt somewhat alienated as they had become something I couldn't be. I could only describe it as to be admired. But I highly doubted the nature of their attractions at the time as we were only pre-teens to teens and that their affection of one another was purely physical. Even though I did not go through such a time in life, I thought it made me better. I thought I never had to go throught the process of fighting and breaking up among other emotional rollercoasters. Howevever, I could not say my time in middle school was any less unpleasant. I had tortured myself by going to school dances only to find myself standing around most of the time. With only one dance each with either a parent or some girl under duress as my friends convinced her out of the sake of sympathy. I stopped going soon after. Someone I had taken a liking to had only expressed disgust in return, only to show admiration for a close friend instead. It made me think that I was being looked down upon, that I was not worthy of such feelings. Under some undesirable circumstances, I spent a considerable amount of time to myself at home for a year. It made me somewhat better somehow. I no longer thought about being without another, or thought nothing of it to the very most. It helped me earn A's and B's and Honor Rolls and respect from classmates for being a polite and intelligent individual.

Here I am today, without the "intelligent emptiness", it gradually went away as I grew with age, replacing it with another kind of emptiness. My academic performance as decreased, leaving me with feelings of inferiority. At times, I hated what I saw in the mirror. I may have turned into a loner by nature. I was calmed, relaxed, and rejuvenated whenever I walked alone to the lake and witnessed the sunrise. I was content when I walked the streets at night as the glow of the moon shined down. But in those moments of tranquility, I thought about what it would be like if I could share these moments with someone special. To genuinely enjoy spending time with someone as she would with me. I only feel the emptiest whenever in the presence of crowds. I cringe and churn inside whenever I see couples show their affection for one another. It is then that I am constantly reminded of what I have lived my life without and fear that I never will.

I write this because I can no longer see the point in keeping it to myself any longer. As far as everyone else is concerned, I am only a stranger to them. To my acquaintances in school, I am but a fleeting memory. I am only there to never be seen or heard from again, they have moved on with their lives as I have with mine. I may run into them one day, but only with a nod and a hello at the very most, if not a blank stare as one remembers a distant memory of the past. If anyone ever wanted to see what sculpted me into the person that I am today, they would find it here. If you were to encounter me whether it be in public personally or through indirect means, I am courteous and well-mannered like strangers should be. If you ever find yourself insulting me for any reason, it is simply because you don't know me well enough, you really have no reason to insult me. I hope this give more clarification to those who are(n't) interested.