by, 07-24-2012 at 06:34 AM (467 Views)
Driving down the road towards retirement from PerC, the road led to a detour.
(I had submitted a request to retire my account 7/20. A few days later, I found out that the original email request hadn't gone through.)
While waiting for the request to go through, messages from friends here, questions, and realizations mingled together in my thoughts, so that I was left reconsidering the decision to retire. And PerC has truly been a needed stress relief valve in my life and has really helped in communicating with and understanding the people in my life. The internal GPS kept "recalculating...recalculating...recalculating " as internally I swerved from one potential pathway to another in making the decision.
I owe a very kind friend for this realization: Closing a PerC account in order to keep myself from being distracted away from my work by it was not the way to go about it. It was not whether my PerC account was open or closed - it was whether I had the self-discipline to make the right choices. There will always be distractions or temptations, and it's impossible to eliminate all temptation from my life; I have to learn to just say "no." Discipline in one area of life will carry over into others, so relying on a strategy of "making it impossible not to say no," that is not possible in all areas of life, only will weaken my overall will and resolution...which needs to be strengthened..
So I made the choice not to retire the account after all, and instead commit myself to just limiting my time here in the degree necessary to get my work done.
Just a note: because there is so much to do in real life for quite a while, and my time here will be limited, I have been and will continue to be extraordinarily slow in replying to messages. If I do reply quickly, that's not going to be the norm. I'm just really swamped in real life because I just moved and life has gotten rather crazy-busy in many respects. Please know it's nothing personal against anyone, and I will eventually reply to you.
I'm mentioning here a lot of people who knew I was leaving or who have sent messages, since there isn't enough time to write each one of you individually. To those friends here who wrote tearful messages, I felt broken inside that it hurt you so much when I read your messages, and now feel like I rattled your lives unnecessarily. Please, I hope you can forgive me. And I feel so stupid for making this big announcement, then changing my mind, since it's so uncomfortable drawing attention to myself anyway (now, TWICE, *sigh*) and there's this impulse now to just want to disappear into the shadows ~ just ignore my stupid indecisiveness, please
*turns face away in embarrassment*
But since you all deserve an explanation, and many of you will wonder "why is she still here?!?!?" after announcing that I was leaving PerC, this is what happened.
@Tortured, @Vivid Melody, @SillaSY, @ohTOMICho, @eyenexepee, @Lady Nurture, @Pjb, @bubbleboy, @Frosty, @Erudis, @MsBossyPants, @n2freedom, @confused girl28, @Arclight, @HorribleAesthete, @d_arnold, @Lady Lullaby, @Elinor Dashwood, @Lost in Oblivion, @Julia Bell, @snowangel, @Arrow, @Gnothi Seauton, @midnightstar, @Berdudget, @Zech, @Geoffrey, @Steel Magnolia, @snowbell, @the goat, @ruth2ten, @ibage