Problemless with Problems
Diary Entry 66: Whatever comes to my head (1/27/2002)
by, 06-12-2012 at 04:24 PM (79 Views)
This is where I type about nothing. Or something. Whatever I think of. Today was cool. I'm drawing a picture of a character off of DBZ for my friend, Kelli. Actually it's for her friend, Jeff who goes to her school.
It snowed at work today. It was coming down really fast and the person working the counter said it's a snow storm. The old guy she was serving said that it's no storm. Where he comes from, this isn't a storm. She said she comes from California, where it doesn't snow. I said that when it rains in California and people say it's pouring down, Oregonians say it's sprinkling, hehe.
I talked to Kelli today, which is a very good thing. Even though we might not be as close as I had hoped, I still feel that safe and relaxing feeling that everything is okay when she's online. When I'm not talking to her, I guess I worry about what she is doing, or what is happening with her. When she's on, I know what she's doing: she's talking. So I feel at peace and relieved naturally, just subconsciously knowing what she's doing. Maybe I'm obsessed. I still feel she is pushing me away, but she said that's normal, it's just what she does, that it's not my fault or doing. I want to be an exception, but that's just how I am. I like to be trusted. I need to know that people can trust me, otherwise I'm not as nice or good as I wish I was. I know that some people trust me, but what about my best friend? Shouldn't she be the one to trust me most? I know my guy friends from high school trust me. They would never think of me of even hugging a girl, let alone doing something bad!
Maybe I expect too much. I know the internet isn't a place to trust. I mean, even Allison was scared to meet me and only would do it with some of her friends. She was afraid I could be a rapist or something. I've talked to her online, she knows me. I've talked to her on the phone. I'm friends with her best friend. I've even met her best friend in real life for crying out loud! And Allison knows and has met Nick in real life. My best guy friend. Would we all lie to her about me? No, of course not, her best friend wouldn't lie about me to convince Allison to meet me if I would ever hurt her or wrong her in any way. Having said all this, she was still afraid of meeting me alone.
I guess trust is really hard to come by, especially if the person has had their trust abused countless times through their life, and has never been rewarded by putting her faith in someone, like Kelli. She's not the odd one here for not trusting me. I'm the oddball for even expecting her to. I trust her, and am willing to go visit her and see her a lot, based on just what I know about her. I'm willing to have my heart shattered in a million pieces from finding out she is a fake. That risk I am taking does not nearly outweigh the possibility that she could be who she says she is and that we might find true happiness together. Call me a fool, say I'm blind to the truth, tell me I'm just going to hurt myself very badly when I find out it's not as I hoped, I don't care. That is what I'm doing, and I'll take whatever fate and labels go with it. I love her. I love her, who she is.
Right now, I know she is sleeping, or I hope she is, so I don't worry. And why does the stupid computer make a vibrating noise all the time! It's from the fan on the processor, it makes the case rattle! It stops when I put my hand on it, but why is it doing it? Oh yeah, stupid me. I took out the motherboard and then put it in correctly and put everything back how it goes, and haven't put the case cover back on yet. It's still open, hehe. It's been a while since I did that. I'm just too lazy. I'm too tired right now.
Well, I guess this turned out to be more than a "nothing" entry after all. I got a lot out. I feel a lot better now that I've said all that. This diary thing really helps, doesn't it? Cool. Have a grrrrrrreat day, and sleep well everyone! And those of you who have someone to snuggle up to, and feel safe in their arms, you have my envy.