Problemless with Problems
Diary Entry 465: I know I just did one, but oh well (continued) (2/4/2007)
by, 07-20-2012 at 12:10 PM (42 Views)
On Wednesday, 3 days ago, she wanted me to come have dinner with her before she went to work. I drove there but my car started having a bunch of white smoke come out of the hood. I pulled over and noticed that all the liquid had drained out the bottom of my radiator. Great. I called Ashlea and told her what happened and she said she would be fine with picking me up and bringing me to her place but wouldn't have enough time to bring me back before she went to work, so whoever was going to pick me up would have to drive farther to get me. I didn't want to worry about it. I just wanted her to come get me and hang out with her before I wanted to think about what I was going to do with my car.
She got me and we ate dinner and then she had to go to work and thought I'd be less bored staying at her place and watching TV than going to work with her and sitting there while she talked to people on the phone. I decided to go with her and I'd just walk to her place if I got too bored. I got too bored almost right away and took her keys and tried to find her place but I couldn't, so I came back and just sat there. It was only 3 hours so it wasn't that bad. I had a Sudoku puzzle to work on anyway. It was my first time doing one. Then she passed me a slip of paper with different bondage positions illustrated on it with the words "any of them look interesting?" I said we should try them all.
When we got back to her place I pushed her onto the couch and started kissing her. She was really receptive of it. I had to use the bathroom and when I came out, she had on a more "comfortable" top. Well, we kissed and I was hesitant to do anything, but she realized this and said "Jason, it's okay." We went into her room and well, use your imagination. Use it twice, because it happened twice before we went to sleep. Then again that morning.
She missed her first class and we went to breakfast. Anytime we talked about sex-related stuff it was always in the context that it was going to continue to happen. Then she went to school and I signed up for AAA and got a towing place to pick me up from her house, take me to my car, tow my car back to their place, and I had to wait a couple hours until he would get to it. I found out my credit card had been closed for late payments, when every one of those was a miscommunication and I called them for each one and they admitted it wasn't my fault and took off the late fees. So now I have to apply for another credit card.
I wanted to go see Ashlea after her class and get her keys so I could wait at her place, but I couldn't find her class and had to just go back to the towing place. It turned out to just be a plug that wore out. By that time it was time for her to get out of school, so I thought I'd go back to her place and see her for an hour before she had to go to work. During that hour I told her the story of what happened while I was at work. We took a walk and she told me she doesn't want to continue the relationship. She really sat down and thought about it and I'm just not who she sees herself with. She doesn't see it lasting very long. She said it doesn't have anything to do with that happened the night before and she doesn't regret doing any of it. The only thing she regrets is going back and forth. She's been in my position and did what I was doing and she didn't want to do the same thing to me that was done to her. I asked if she meant she didn't want to continue the friendship as well. She said she'd like to think we could be friends, but she doesn't think we could. She had to go to work and I left for home. We hugged twice before we left.
Needless to say, I was feeling really crappy. She texted me from work asking how I was doing and said she felt like crap. I didn't answer. She texted me again saying she still wants to be friends. I didn't answer. She called me when she was off work and left a voice mail saying she wanted to make sure I got home okay because I hadn't answered her texts. I didn't call her back. I knew we'd end up talking about more than that and I wasn't ready to talk about it. I wasn't ready to make any decisions or have her tell me things that would confirm what she told me even more. I sat and thought a lot about what I liked about her and everything. No matter what aspect I tried thinking about, everything turned full circle and ended with "just because I like her".
The next morning, yesterday morning, I called her. I said I made it home alright. She asked what I had been doing that night. I said I was just thinking. We talked a little about why she was deciding to do this. You'll understand it if you read my previous blog entry. Basically there are too many little things about me she doesn't like that add up and she can't get past them. We are too different. We have too little in common. I'm just not who she wants. Basically, the same thing her last ex-boyfriend did to her, she just was a lot quicker at getting to telling me. She said she thinks we need a break, like a month at least, for her to confirm her feelings and for me to get over her. She said by that time we might be both dating someone and be completely different people. She said she didn't see herself changing her mind. We're just not the right people for each other. We hung up and I've been feeling really crappy since. I wrote the blog entry before this one, I talked to Laura about it and she didn't really know what to say. I talked to the guy next-door about it and he made me feel a lot better, but then I felt bad when I wasn't talking to him anymore. I called Kelli on the phone for the first time in a year or so and talked to her and I felt a lot better, then felt just as bad after I got off the phone. I went and joined several online dating sites and browsed through the people in my area and sent messages to all the ones who's pictures and profiles I liked. Naturally, I haven't gotten anything back yet.
I keep looking at my cell phone to see if anyone called, knowing she won't call me or send me any message. But like I said in the beginning of this, I don't know if it hurts more than she wants to just be friends or if she want to take a month, at least, off. I mean, I'm okay being friends with her. Just as long as I can talk to her and see her. I wouldn't be feeling any of this. I'd be perfectly fine. I wouldn't try being more. I wouldn't flirt with her or anything. I'd wait until she told me a definite "yes" before doing anything. I just hate this cold turkey thing. I could get over her and find someone else a lot more easily if I had her to be friends with in the meantime. But I feel like she has died and I'm never going to see her again. I feel like when Kelli said she hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I know Ashlea doesn't feel that way, but just knowing that she doesn't want to talk to me leaves me in the cold. If she still wants to be friends, why can't she be a friend and comfort me in this? At least give me someone to talk to. I can accept her feeling she doesn't want to be more than friends. What I can't accept is that I've lost her altogether. I used to look forward to the next time we would talk. Now I look forward to nothing because nothing sounds fun or interesting. Bah.
And now, I just got up and walked around the front room and started crying. I don't feel much better afterwards, but this marks the first time I've cried since the Spring of 2004.