Problemless with Problems
Diary Entry 24: There must be something wrong with me (12/15/2001)
by, 06-08-2012 at 06:31 PM (75 Views)
Okay, imagine you are a guy and you know lots of girls online. You have never had a girlfriend, and you could never get anyone, who you liked as a girlfriend, to like you back. You are friends with all the girls and most of them seem like they would be your girlfriend if you asked them to be. Some even have brought up that they like you that way. One of the girls who didn't show any interest in you for a future boyfriend, already has an online boyfriend. Lets call her Angel. Let's call her boyfriend Spike. You become friends with Spike also. Angel has depression and has cut herself in the past. Angel has deep, dark secrets that she wishes to share with no one, and she thinks that it is wrong when someone likes her. Angel has a friend who is like her but worse, and she worries about him a lot and really tries to help him. Let's call him Shadow. You get to know Shadow and you try to help him as well. Angel doesn't trust people very easily, but she trusts Shadow because she can relate to him. Then it turns out Shadow is a made-up character by a girl who wanted a friend who would actually talk to her.
Angel has another friend who likes her like a girlfriend, and asks constantly when she will break up with Spike. Let's call her friend Bob. Bob is only online too. You like Angel like a girlfriend as well and you have told her so. Spike is sometimes confusing and Angel gets her feelings hurt by it sometimes. Bob doesn't like Spike and Spike doesn't like Bob. One day Bob instant messages him and cusses him out and says that he should break up with Angel so he can go out with her. Angel doesn't like this at all and you try to help her with it, but she doesn't want to use you. You think that you are the only one she can turn to, and you like to be needed and able to help. Angel doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or Spike's, or Bob's. She won't break up with Spike because it would hurt him. She says she will stay with him as long as he wants her. Angel cares about Spike and Bob and doesn't want them to be feeling bad. She would sacrifice her being happy for them. She only cares about others and never herself. You are fortunately on friendly terms with Spike and Bob and you try to help the situation. You still like Angel like a girlfriend, from your experiences with her and from how well you know her. You try to cheer her up whenever you can, and you don't talk about how you want to go out with her, because you are not heartless enough to do that with all that is going on. It will just make one more thing for her to worry about.
Then Spike asks someone else out so he breaks up with Angel, and Bob takes this opportunity. He asks and asks until Angel says yes she will go out with him, but she doesn't like him that way. A week later she breaks up. You see that, and you don't want to pressure Angel at all into going out with you, because you don't want to cause her any more stress. You and her became best friends around the time when Shadow became a fake. You think she trusts you because she wants to come meet you in real life, more than her other friends, and she has told you some about her deep, dark past that she hasn't told anyone else about. Angel has a friend in real life, let's call him Darien, and he likes her that way too. He asks her out and she says yes. So now she is going out with someone else, lowering your chances with her. Darien is a cool guy and you are happy that she has someone like him who can be there for her when she needs someone, even though you want more than ever to be her boyfriend, you want her to be happy even more. You have often thought about the future and it always has her in it. You imagine yourself in a married life and she is always the wife, and you are as happy as can be. You imagine the nearer future of visiting her for the first time in real life and she is so happy to see you and runs up and hugs you. You think she likes you that way. Then you talk to her again and she wonders why you like her. She says that you shouldn't like her. She is not a good person. That you must be crazy liking her, and also Darien must be crazy too. It scares her that you want to go out with her and she would rather you go out with someone else who you would be happier with. You can't think of anyone else from all the girls you know closely, and now she is scared of coming and meeting you. She wants you to come meet her first.
She doesn't want you to think about her, or to like her that way. She is fine being best friends, but that is all. She has given a hint that she thinks she would be really happy going out with you, but later she seems like it's not even a concern of hers. It seems she is getting further away from you and closer to Darien, her boyfriend. No matter who else you like, you always feel lonely not dating her. No one could ever take her place, and you are willing to just be best friends and never mention again how you love her so much, because she just gets depressed whenever you mention it. You think it would make her happier if you didn't talk about it anymore. So there must be something wrong with you for liking her, right? And also because she goes out with everyone besides you, because they asked her out until she said yes, and you saw that she was stressed about all these relationships, and you don't want to put any more strain on her. This is about me. I'm the guy who likes Angel.