INFP and the unrealistic expectations of a partner
by, 05-13-2012 at 05:24 AM (714 Views)
Probably everyone in Personality Cafe knows that we, INFP, have quite high expectations of a relationship. I've always dreamed, since I was 3 (I'm serious) about finding the right person, my soulmate or whatever. Since I was a teenager I was told by everyone that soulmates are bullsh*, and so is the concept of a right person, and my way of thinking is immature, naive, idealistic, wrong, hurtful to myself and just stupid.
I wasn't dating at all since I was 19, because my INFP intuition let me know right from the beginning that I couldn't be happy with a guy who wakes up at 6 and is active all day long, or I couldn't be happy sexually with a guy who can't match my passion of life. I didn't regret letting them down, not for a minute. But when I was 19, I feel in love. Thing is, I knew right from the beginning too he's not my soulmate. But I knew it has some chance, and I need to try, because I really really need to hug him all the time.
Funny thing is I still kept dreaming about ideal not existing men all day long.
Some time ago I've read an article on BPD. The translation goes like this: "They are always looking for an ideal match, who would be their saviour: someone who would understand them completely, love them unconditionally and made their lives meaningful, fill the emptiness in their lives, save them from their swings of mood and mental pain and never let them go. Temporary commitment, retreating and looking for a perfect partner is a constant vicious circle that destroys them and their dear ones". From this moment on, I'm pretty convinced I have BPD or at least some personality disorder.
I've felt like that because I know my idealism issues make my relationship weaker. One of the main reasons I argue with my boyfriend, and I argue all the time, is because of it. I expected him to act like my ideal partner but he didn't and I feel disappointed, then, instantly the thought appears "I need to break up with him, he won't make me happy". Because I want to be committed and my double life (still dreaming of finding someone) really burdens me, I need him to work on this, I need him to fight for me, to win my heart completely. I need this desperately, but he doesn't ever try, he disappoints me all over and again I think about breaking up.
Realistic or unrealistic
So that part is sick, and I perfectly know it, I make myself laugh when I'm like this. But is the fact that I really want something more from this relationship sick?
And let me say, I'm not dating some jerk, he's a great guy. He's way smarter than me, he's a very peaceful person, and artist, he's so passionate about life. We're quite alike, both procrastinators, both very gentle and unable to survive an argument. But I could see that from the very beginning, that there is one major difference: there's no magic in him, lot like what I have inside me. And the thing is, that magic is the most important thing in my life and I've always looked for someone to share it with.
I was interested in witchcraft, yes, but it's not what I'm talking about. I need someone to perceive the world the way I do, because I see it differently and I'm alone with this. When I take a walk in the woods, I feel like there's an elf hidden under every tree and I really believe it. I name stars, I talk to trees, I can communicate with water. I know it's naive and childish to some people but it's really important to me.
Bitching part (you may skip it if it bores you)
And the thing with my boyfriend: he fully accepts me the way I am, yes, but he doesn't ever share it and sometimes I don't feel recognized for who I am.
I dreamed my first time would take place in the woods in the night. I know now it's not a great idea for the first time, there all sorts of pointy stuff in the woods. But anyway. We were in a hotel near the seaside. It was midnight, full moon, I was listening to the music before. I thought it would be a great moment, but he didn't wanted us to have sex out of pressure. I got that. So we did it the morning later, and it was great. But I was always disappointed it was the morning. I figured out it would be all fine if he compensated me for something by arranging one cliche romantic evening, candles, rose petals, wine, strawberries, I don't know, romantic music... I asked him so many times to surprise me like this. He never ever did, not in 4 years of dating. Truth is, if I want to have candles, I have to bring and lit damn candles myself.
If I want to visit a magical place like a castle or a forest, I have to drag him. I can't drag him to make love to me outside. Often he won't even kiss me to say hello because people are watching and I feel so disappointed. I told him a hundred times: I don't like red roses. I like daisies. I like sunflowers. I like bloody meat-eating plants. I don't like red roses. And he always brings me red roses, because he wants to be "romantic".
I wrote half of a book. If you're an INFP you know how huge it is to write 80 pages of a fantasy novel. I did once. He dreams about writing something in future too. If he wrote one damn page I would run like mad to get it. He knew I wrote a book and haven't asked me to see it for 3 years. Then I started a fight about it. He borrowed it, 6 months ago. He haven't read it yet. I remind him to read it every 2 weeks or so. Just a first page, I ask him. He claims he doesn't have time. He read three 600-page books of different authors in the meantime.
So, what is wrong with me that I can't be happy with a guy who is really great because of such small things? Is it my unrealistic expectations? Is it him? Is it both?
I always thought that I'm just screwed up. I believed that my first choice is to stay with the guy, drive him crazy for the next 20 years, make myself terribly unhappy. My second choice is to leave him, and either I'll end up alone and miserable because I won't find anyone as great and forgiving as him, or I'll find my perfect match and still destroy the relationship because of my issues.
When I was 16 I asked God a question. I asked "God, I know, it may not be right time for me to find my ideal partner, but please just tell me, am I right to expect someone to be like that?" And, one time in my life only, he said "Yep". Not with words, of course, but the sign was so obvious, I don't ever question the existence of the absolute being from this moment on.
I was thinking about what it may have meant, and I figured out, while I should work on my issues and learn to take things easy, there's just some things without which I won't be happy and I have every right to be looking for them. I can't force my boyfriend to be what I want him to be, either, but I may give him a chance after all.
Of course, I can find someone to share my inner self who wouldn't be my partner. But well, being with someone who is not the most important person in my life but the second most important is rather against my views on successful and healthy relationship.
So my real three options are:
1. Stay with the guy, work on my issues AND lead him into recognizing who I am and fulfilling my basic INFP needs. If he's not interested after all, his loss.
2. Find someone who would seem to be a better match (or almost a perfect match) AND work on my issues.
3. Be alone and be just happy.
It's that simple. It's alright to have your INFP needs. Cause baby, you were born this way.
And check this comic strip out, it's my absolutely favorite comic of all times: http://xkcd.com/310/
It's all true. Don't let it be a comic strip about yourself.
And never marry if you're not sure it's the right choice, if you just want to force yourself to commit in the emotional sense.