Conflicted...
One of my biggest dreams is to be able to say, with confidence and certainty, who I am as a person. I spend more than countless hours trying to discover exactly who I am and what I believe. Oftentimes, I feel like I am almost there, a few inches away from grasping the rope of self-discovery, and then the rope vanishes and reappears, miles away. I have no idea who I am. I am on an endless journey and each bump or dip in the road sets me off course. Am I really striving to be me, or am I striving to be someone else? I don't know. I don't know anything. There is no certainty in any of my thinking, and it drives me up the walls. I don't like misrepresenting myself, so I keep quiet, but I don't want to keep quiet. I want to speak out, to be able to come out behind the shadows and express myself honestly, without shame or embarrassment. I am so ashamed of who I am, but I don't even know if that's the real me I'm ashamed about. Millions of possibilities are running through my head every minute about everything. What if? What if? What if? Why do I care so much? I just want some peace and tranquility in my mind, but that seems impossible. There is always something on my mind.
However, I do know one thing, and that one thing is that I'm a hypocrite. A big, giant hypocrite who can't stand hypocrites. How hypocritical is that? At least I can't stand myself. I wish I was the author to myself so I could find out who I am, and then alter it to perfection.
PS. Sorry if you can't make any sense of this, it's hard for me to as well
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However, I do know one thing, and that one thing is that I'm a hypocrite. A big, giant hypocrite who can't stand hypocrites. How hypocritical is that? At least I can't stand myself. I wish I was the author to myself so I could find out who I am, and then alter it to perfection.
PS. Sorry if you can't make any sense of this, it's hard for me to as well
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Total Comments 7
Comments
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I'm dealing with similar issues, trying to be shamelessly authentic, trying to figure out what that authenticity would even entail... it's probably an INFP thing. I wish you success.Posted 07-03-2009 at 05:57 PM by snail
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I feel the same way as well. I think it is indeed an INFP thing. I always feel like I'm reaching, almost there and then wham, who am I again?
I read in a book once about MBTI types and it had a long insightful chapter on the NF and our need to search for ourselves and that it was the NF's constant need to find himself that was both intriguing and impossible to fulfill. While it was kind of sad to read that, it also kind of helps to realize that maybe all the other NF's out there are just as lost and searching as I can be.
I feel like I'm rambling now, sorry!
Posted 07-03-2009 at 07:19 PM by imru2 
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Ahh yes, I'm glad others can relate, it seems like it could easily be an INFP thing.
Snail: Thanks :) I wish you luck as well.
Imru: I don't mind your rambling at all :). It really does seem like that it is impossible to fulfill, which is a bit saddening to hear, but at least I feel like I'm on a quest for something of importance. Do you think we're wasting our time trying to discover ourselves if we never will?Posted 07-03-2009 at 07:33 PM by de l'eau salée - No, I don't think we are wasting time. I think the act of searching for yourself, in itself, is more fulfilling than actually finding the answers. If you think about it, wouldn't you rather have a complex, puzzling, ever-changing self than something easily defined and then passed over?
I believe that in the process of searching and never actually finding the answers, we learn more about ourselves and the world around us than any other kind of journey could provide. Besides, if we are struggling to reach an idealistic goal of some sort, be it soul-searching or creating a better world or helping other people, wouldn't the amount of time and effort spent in ourselves only provide us with better insight for helping shape things around us?Posted 07-03-2009 at 07:51 PM by imru2 - You know, you have a really good point. A constant journey probably promotes a much better overall character.Posted 07-03-2009 at 09:54 PM by de l'eau salée
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I feel much the same. I don’t know who I am or what I am supposed to be. Yet, I feel like I will never be complete until I can answer those questions. The problem is anymore I don’t think I will ever have an answer. At this point, what I really want is to stop asking the question. Just accept that I am who I am, of course how do you do that if you don’t know who you are?Posted 07-04-2009 at 01:54 AM by rswear
Updated 07-04-2009 at 02:01 PM by rswear -
i agree with the posts above, because i feel the same way. As soon as i think i have a grasp on my true identity, it slips away. And this happens constantly. Which brings to question: do my habits reveal my genuine character? maybe. I always leave room for possibilities, but this idea has no room in the world of absolutes. So in the end, bringing myself to closure, makes me a prisoner of that specific moment and all that surrounds it.Posted 07-04-2009 at 09:42 AM by leiroz
