I am... (Part 2/2)
by, 06-17-2011 at 06:23 PM (311 Views)
The rest life (years 19-21)
After high-school I spent a whole year at home doing basicly nothing, well I did a lot of farm work, but that was it.
In the year 2009 I went to army. I think this was the turning point in my life. I promised myself to take everything out of this army service. That included improving myself as a person in many different ways. The rookie time was kinda exciting and met a lot of new people who were totally clueless what was going around there. I took that stuff quite seriously and I followed the rules quite nicely. Later I got rookie training summary and I got excellent grades from it. o.O That allowed me to join military police group leader training. Leadership skills, fuck yeah! I really like the time I was in the leadership training, but one thing annoyed me as hell, when they had those tests where you had to act with moment and come up with something new quickly, aargh!! It was just quite impossible at some points. My mind was flooding with sensory information and I just had to make decisions withous analyzing them? That's like putting my brain into a hypermode or something. Was really exhausting.
Later we got our own groups we had to lead, and they were the worst groups our trainers ever saw. I had incredibly amount of confilcts with them. We tried to give them orders and reactions were like "fuck you!". 3 months, worst time in army, but the rest were nice.
Military police group leaders also performed guarding with their groups (total 8-9 times in their army service). Sitting in a air conditioned room, watching monitors and television, and doing couple of patrol rounds per day was quite relaxing. :P But worst thing was answering to the phone. At first I couldn't hear the caller's name clearly, then the callers said his/her stuff so quickly and then I was like "wtf he said and wtf should I do!?" Luckily there were those military police chiefs who were giving advices anytime we needed those in complex situations.
In summary, I concentrated on getting rid of my shyness (notice that I didn't know what introversion was back then, so I thought shyness was also that behaviour), got some self-confidence and had a nice start for self-improvement/-investigating project. I also got my security licence there.
After army I took one month of job training in an elementary school as a school assistant. Then I was an IT assistant for 5 months. Then 1 week as a security guy in a Folk Music Festival at Kaustinen. That was the time I met my ex. I basically spent whole year 2010 developing my social skills, and I drank a lot of alchohol. I met a lot of new friends. I also had a lot of psychological and philosophical discussions with my best friend (ENxJ).
Also in the beginning of that year I started doing theater. I joined the local theater group that was doing the first theater for a long time. It was great success! It was totally sold out, all the time. I had a chance to improve my performance skills and bring up my creativity. Loved it!
On Autumn I started to go University of Applied Sciences, Media technology. I met a lot of new friends. I think the people are great, but school kinda sucks. I try to keep my motivation up for the second year. If it drops, then it'd be time trying to apply to another schools, psychology or creative content creating sound nice (unfortunately police schools takes only people who has perfect colour vision, and I'm half colour blind, FUCK!). I also took part of two theater projects there, first one was The Emperor's New Clothes (I had main role, prankster number 2) and Robin Hood (Little John because I'm so tall.)
My ex (ISFJ) is from Slovenia, and we had long distance relationship and we chatted and sent email to eachother daily. It was a huge step to me know myself better and she flamed up that spark for philosophy and languages that I had long gone. I was in love with her and I even travelled to Paris for a week to meet her. That time was amazing. We shared every thoughts we had and tried to make eachother feel better when either one was feeling sad or something. At some point I started to realize that I was too depended on her, almost ordered a flight ticket to her country. I also had great level of insecurity which was no good trait t have. She's the second person ever who has gotten this deep to my thoughts. My best friend is the first one. On November she hurt me, and I was incredibly angry about it for 2,5 days and I reached thoughts that I want to kill her, took too much energy to keep up with those thoughts, but hey, I was contacted with my dark side. On December, she broke up with me, she had "fallen love" with another guy. Sometimes I just fucking hate limerence. I started to write diary, flooded it with all the crap I could come up with. Lately I haven't written much there because I haven't had any need to. Well, sometimes perhaps. There's two songs I wish I would never hear again because hearing them would just bring up all the memories and emotions and make me feel hurt again...
At the time of the break up I started to focus all my energy to build up my broken self-esteem (all way from zero) and fight all the thought and emotions I had for her. I also started to do self-discovering very seriously. I was sick and tired of that I had bad self-esteem and I had to ask other people how they see me and what kind person I can be. Fuck that, I found PerC and MBTI. What a great discovery, no more being lost and everything matched. I analysed myself as an INFJ. Introverted, intuitive, feeler, judger... sounds perfectly like me... :) Later I discovered that I'm also a HSP (highly sensitive person). That would explain me why some loud areas would exhaust me easily. I tried to find some literature about it, but there seems to be few about it in Finland. After a lot of studying and stuff I've gotten my self-esteem into a good level, also gotten rid of shyness and other fancy stuff. However, I still have an issue with my emotions and creativity because those events in my past has cause me automatically to surpress them. It's like I have to force myself to express them otherwise they would just go away and cause some more issues in the future.
Couple of months later I met a German exchange student (ENFJ) and started to date her. She is really great and I love her. We have travelled to Estonia and Helsinki. She's coming back to Finland in couple of weeks and I'm totally excited!
Recently I think I'm gotten into this so called "Ni-Ti loop". I've become more emotionless and cynical and over-protective about myself. It's like all the joy has slowly gone away, and anger and pain are the new source of energy. Everything is so fucking boring. I think I can compare myself to Dr House because only some puzzles can thrill him and for me most of these situations I'm facing doesn't have much thrill value in my eyes. Am I finally that person the society wants me to be? Emotionless and tough and hard working? I don't think so, I'm not that want society wants, and never will be. I hate people who keeps their authority as priority and thinks that they can control anyone they one. You can guess how many times I've gotten into conflicts because someone thinks that quiet person is easily to be controlled, but when they faced me, then the hell broke loose!
Ok, summary about myself, I've taken the bullying much harder than others and it has caused me pain. I've slowly started to understand emotions of others and I've become very protective for those who are being treated badly. I also can't hurt anyone because I know what kind of pain it would cause them to have. I'm generally very kind and helpful. I'm thought rich person and I live in my head more than in the real world. I have hundreds of dialogies in my head daily. I need to prepare myself as well as I can for situations I haven't faced before. The more I have to interfere the more I need information. I won't be making the same mistake twice. I'm a perfectionist, I tend to avoid mistakes like poison. I have a large area of interest. I like to theorize everything. I seek to understand everything. The more you can increase my self-worth, the more I can trust you and appreciate you as a person. I'm very into puzzles and problem solving. I find it very energizing when I can try to solve any problem you want me to solve. My own alone time is very important to me, please don't take it away. I like to drink tea with honey. And now I'm feeling very very tired after writing this much stuff about my life, so I think I'll stop here. Thank you for reading this! :)