by, 02-03-2011 at 01:56 AM (443 Views)
i think since joining here and since coming a bit more out of my shell at home and stuff i have begun to grow more comfortable with expressing my opinions. like for example on this forum when i first joined there is a marked difference since then until now where i have grown more comfortable with expressing what i think and so on. and i have even argued with someone and i have been okay with it. which is ridiculous because i think a couple of months ago i couldn't have done that at all.
i am getting more, i don't know, forward or something. i am not really sure how much of this is a good thing because i am noticing that i am really sarcastic and caustic in a lot of things, i am very judgmental about people inside of my head and i don't express hardly any of it because i know it isn't correct. i am not sure what it is related to.
throughout my life i have always gotten sort of "vibes" or "feelings" off of subjects, people, objects, places, etc, and it sticks in my head as an impression and that impression never goes away, ever. as soon as i've, i guess imprinted is a good word to use, that just doesn't go away. this imprinting is a bit different than an opinion i have on a subject. my opinions can change, i can be proven wrong all the time and that isn't what i mean, but i have no good way to describe it either. it isn't always a positive thing. in fact more than not it isn't because my imprints of things often influence how i think about them.
for instance because of militant feminazis and crazy people who are obsessed with equality my imprint of the concept of feminism is negative, and no matter how much i believe that women should be treated equally, when people start saying things like, "women can do everything men can do!" i kind of feel like scratching my face off. when i go into a person's house, the initial imprint i get from the environment stays with me forever. when someone changes the furniture or paints the wall, i freak out because of it because the whole impression changes, and it is like i cannot, i just cannot deal with it at all.
i'm not sure if that's related to judgment or what but it is separate from just the opinions of things that i have. i would feel the same way about feminism whether or not i could articulate an opinion about it, and my opinion of feminism has changed over the years as i have learned more about women's rights and all of that. i once got an impression out of a book written by andrea dworkin, who is a crazy militant feminist, and that imprint was extremely positive because it was the kind of vibe i got off of the lady and her writing and her words. yet, somehow, my impression of "andrea dworkin" is so vastly, supremely different than my impression of "crazy feminists", yet one could argue they were almost the same thing. so there is a difference between an opinion and whatever this impression thing is, i just can't verbalize it correctly. somehow it is integral to this judgmental part of myself because my impressions themselves are very judgmental. i get a vibe off of something and draw a conclusion, whether or not i can say what it actually is.
anyway to be honest i am not sure how much i enjoy this new me. i am finding i have the potential to be rather mean and biting and nasty in my head, there are lots of behaviors i don't seem to tolerate from people and people themselves, in general, i seem not to really enjoy. society on the whole i am becoming rather disillusioned with because i am starting to get this almost "overall impression" that everybody is stupid and/or crazy. and i don't like this. the only way it is different for me and the only way i can probably even be an isfj is because my impressions of individual people overshadow this "overall society" impression. it is like a mental blanket statement of the universe. and it is not a very positive thing, i don't like being the typical "humanity sucks" person in the crowd - because my impression of those people is negative, too.
i don't know. sometimes i feel like i am not a very nice person. my wife assures me that i am, but that i just don't tolerate what she affectionately refers to as "nonsense" (but i think she really means "bullshit").