All that's left
by, 08-15-2011 at 11:22 PM (250 Views)
I've not been on perc much and i miss this site. I just don't feel like talking these days and i'm busy as well. Now i'm lost and just dead. I've lost a lot of things and a lot of things aren't working well for me.
I had a lot of dreams but it didn't work out. Now i don't even know why i'm going on but i just am.
I've given up and lost hope. Just wearing the mask and nobody knows how i really am.
I've lived this life in a fucked up country, still not able to get out from where i am.
Money is always an issue. I don't have anything or anyone in my life right now except my family, but still, i am alone.
There is nothing for me to look forward to. I had tried and fight but i can't fight anymore. I am too much of an 'intellectual' but i've lost my strength. I worked so hard to get to where i am but in the end, it was all turned down. One after another. I have 'pockets' of hope and opportunity, but they don't mean anything to me. Because i've been through all of it already, and i still have got nowhere.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I have some solutions but it isn't much. I had already been through all those shit in my life for 26 years and i've already had enough. I can't and won't go through it again. Through this nothingness. With so much of 'talent' and ideas but not recognised just because of where i am right now.
I don't know how to deal with humans, people. I don't know how to communicate. It always ends up in a disaster. I wish to be close to someone, yet i have trust issues. I have a lot of fucking issues. I can't do it alone, the sad truth. Yet i'm left in loneliness. In the end, i will have to do it myself.
I've already endured life by myself all the while and now i don't know why i'm not as strong as before. I'm super sensitive, getting down easily, and etc. I've fought so much all my life. Fought for the school to teach us science when i was 14 but didn't get it. Fought to create a story but didn't get it. Tried to publish a book, but didn't get it. Fought to get a good 'academic education' but didn't get it. Fought to get a good job, but didn't get it.
There's more, but i have a brain fog now.
I admit, i'm depressed. But i'm still continuing to live and do what i 'can' do to get by. I just don't live anymore, the purpose, happiness, hope, etc is gone. I'm just empty, a zombie who has no feelings anymore. Dead, like a rock. I still have dreams, but that's all there is to it.
I'm not saying that i can't accomplish my dreams in this life, neither am i saying that i won't be able to achieve what's left in the 'pockets' of hope.
But i just won't hope for anything. And if anything happens, it wouldn't really mean anything to me.
What would mean something to me is this:
1. I get out of here (this country permanently)
2. Someone who loves me for once (an SO in other words)
3. I die, if i don't get the two doesn't happen.
That's all i'm asking for.. no wait, i can't ask, since i don't even get what i ask. So that's all i want, need, will get me somewhere where i need to, or will allow me the chance to live, like a normal person even, a peaceful life even.
That's all i want/need. nothing else.
even that, is such a fucking big issue.
So then fine, i don't give a shit. whatever happens, i don't care anymore. just kill me for all i care, cos i'm done with this life.
The only thing i've accomplish in my life: self education, my family,
Everything had already been taken away from me, so it really doesn't matter to me anymore.
This world is hell, if there's such a thing. And i don't want to live in it anymore.
I'm not being suicidal, but if i'm gone, i would be glad. It's the only thing i want now. Since i can't get anything else.
I'm not being pessimistic but realistic.
I might write my 'autobiography' on my personal blog. I don't know who would give a shit to read, but i'll link it here. Since i already lived a fucked up life with nothing worth to live for, at least people will know who i am and what happened to me. If it even matters. The ones that care, who are also, a pocket full.
That's all there is to it.
That's what it will be called.