angularvelocity

Warning to the reader (Yes,you): There is no rhyme or reason in this blog. It is merely my own rambles that will mean nothing to you. If you read, you will be wasting your time, lol.

During the day on Tuesday I was informed one of my patients would be released from the ventilator this weekend. I was flustered and immediately ran up to high observation [ICU] so I could exchange parting words with her. I was unclear at the time whether it was a family decision to let the patient go or if it was her decision because sometimes our patients don't know they are going to be let go from this world.

As I knocked on the door she said "Jonathan, come in," as if she knew I was about to enter the room. We gazed into each other's eyes and at that time I knew we were feeling the exact same thing. It was the most uncomfortable yet comfortable non-verbal communication that described us both knowing that she would be deceased within a few days. If you guys haven't been near anyone who has passed or is about to, there is a peculiar feeling in the room that tickles your senses and raises your alertness.

I walked closer to her bed and she extended her hand out to me. I grasped her hand firmly enough to let her know I'd miss her but gently enough so she wouldn't feel extreme pressure.

The very first thing she asked me was, "Have you loved?"

I nodded of course, "Yes, I have." I didn't reciprocate the question because her answer was obvious.

She humbly grinned with satisfaction and said, "Good," as if it were the most important thing in the world, like love was the only thing that mattered at the end of life. I could tell she was hiding how anxious she was about the near future and there was nothing I could do to help her regardless of how much I wanted to.

I swear we went into a vortex that stopped all time around us as we were both speaking so calmly and slowly and shared a conversation that had good depth yet when I stepped out of the room we were only in there for 12 minutes. What we discussed is something for me and something I had to take into my own heart.

What someone on their bed with death being imminent, I believe they offer words that no other healthy, living individual can compare to. There is some sort of clarity in their thought process at the end of the road where they seem to have things put together so well. It never surprises me how I can walk out of a patient's room and have my understanding of this world altered.

I walked out of the hospital that day knowing I wouldn't go back to see her again because that was supposed to be our last encounter.

I don't believe in coincidences and that night things began to go sour. I've been trying to extrapolate the meaning in everything that has happened from the motives, the details, the causes, the reactions and all human emotions tossed into a mixing bowl and whirled around but I can't find it.

I have to go right now, so I guess this will be part 1.