by, 02-28-2012 at 01:24 AM (210 Views)
I have a weakness revolving around people. Outwardly I maintain a coldly carefree demeanour and that is all most people will ever know. They won't get close enough to know anything of what's really going on inside and that's fine - as long as they're up for a game of pool or whatever once in a while. I'm helpful and I put the needs of these virtual strangers before my own but if all my acquaintances on this level disappeared I really wouldn't care.
But there's another side to me that wants deeper connection. In the quest for this when someone piques my interest I spew everything which basically means running myself into the ground for all my failings, and I see far more than anyone else sees in me.
The trouble is probably my biggest weakness is having to solve everyone's problems. If someone confides in me and I cannot help I feel useless. It can affect my sleep (something I otherwise never have problems with) and will be going through my head every quiet moment I have.
I can't help but wonder what these 'chosen' people make of this. If my friend said asking them for help would make them feel useless and their sleep would suffer I wouldn't do it to them. This leaves me with a dilema.
On one hand I can not fully disclose my weakness and resist getting close to those who really do value and confide in me, keeping them at a comfortable distance so when the going gets tough they don't expect anything and I can maintain my undeserved sense of competence.
The other option is to continue with my current behaviour. This means that only people who are in a good place in their lives will not run a mile on learning of my weaknesses and when they inevitably drift slightly I'm left wondering why, and what to do about it. Do I check up on them, either disturbing their new path of happiness or digging up a problem risking making myself feel useless again, possibly bringing it back to their awareness when they were moving on? Add to this that I dislike people checking up on me (I like to think I'm strong enough to go it alone - which I'm not) and I can justify leaving them to it. They know where I am.
Connect or don't. Check up or don't. All roads lead to feeling bad or being alone