by, 08-21-2012 at 04:27 PM (47 Views)
It's been a while, and for some reason, everything starts to feel dull or no matter how much I want to have something, I just choose not getting what I want. These past few months started to feel, out of phase more or less, like a sense of depersonalization. Not in a big swarm, but it was enough to make me be worried about myself. Maybe it's because of an anxiety disorder that I have been diagnosed makes me be this way, or maybe it's something more than that. But what I know is, that as long as I am in this state, it's going to be hell. Nothing really feels right anymore, like everything around me is in blur. I don't feel like I can relate to many people, mostly explained by many issues i have been through because of my friends. I've been lied to many times, mistrusted, not to mention that the last few dates that I have been with, all ended up miserably, when I found out they just used me and lied to me but I couldn't see that because I was too blind because of the crush. And now I got crushed by those, and slowly all of these accumulated. On top of that, I started loosing trust on people, and that can be bad when you don't trust those who trust you back. Besides that, I am still searching for a job, for more than a month now and still couldn't find a job that I can apply.
I was planning to start a new life for a few months now, but sadly that can't happen until I find myself a job to a city where I'd like to move out for good. It's time to put everything bad aside and start a new life. That is my final push before feeling truly happy again.
I am not sure if I am coping to well with the hole idea, that I can't reach my following dream. And I feel caged until I am able to do that. Until then, I am going to live with some clinical depression, or at least that is how it seems like. And sometimes, things are even worse when you are an ENFP. Especially when it comes to people.