by, 01-24-2010 at 01:16 AM (520 Views)
Life is a complicated thing. One moment you can be on top of the world, and the next you can be submerged in the darkest of thoughts. Many people know exactly what its like be a victim of circumstance and have things given and taken from you.
Opportunities. Experiences. Successes. Connections...
But what if you're not a victim of situation, but a victim of your own psyche?
How do you reconcile damage you subconsciously inflict upon yourself?
How do you stop a source of pain when you don't know where it stems from?
It's an alienating feeling to know there's something inherently wrong with you. Something that causes your emotional pain, your social alienation, your lack of experiences.
It's difficult not interacting like the others do. All members of the same tribe dancing to the consistent beat, while your legs are unable to comply. It becomes even more confusing when you realize that the reason you aren't dancing has nothing to do with the tribe, but with yourself.
Your eyes look deeper into the mirror, hoping you'll catch the defect. Hoping you'll see the imperfection and remove it.
Remove the worry. Remove the care. Remove the struggle. Remove the self-analysis.
But you never do. You never find the imperfection. Twenty-four hours pass and it clings to you. The barcode that holds your make and model tattooed onto your neural map, showing how and what’s wrong, but never how to correct it.
The realization becomes clear. An epiphany takes place and you realize you're not conventional in any sense. You're not in the drum circle with the other tribe members.
You're not normal. The idea of normal repulses you. The affirmation pleases you, but only on one level...
While you're an oddity in nature, your pleased to not be apart of "their" ilk. You're pleased to be unlike they are.
You're not pleased to be the only one.
Information has a home in your head. You have a foresight of how terrible things will be. Inhumanity, pain, suffering all have a home in this world, and sooner or later it will destroy her. You know what real pain and suffering looks like on a mass scale. You try to be rational and pleased that most major evils have missed you so far. You know how empty the world can be, and try to find solace in the fact that you can at times see her beauty.
It doesn't suffice. The dark that is the world overshadows everything, and you know there is only one solution to fix her and all of her problems...
Connecting to another person, to all persons can save anything. It can save all things.
You're then crippled by the revelation of your greatest fear. You fear when all is said, when all is done, you'll have no connection.
On the surface, Those in the drum circle seem connected to one another. They're tethered to each other through titles they give one another. Your mind can pierce through it. You see those strings that tie and bind them are as superficial as they suggest. Inspite of it, they're happy in their illusion.
You wonder why you can't do the same. Why you can't take part in the illusion. Why you can't articulate what's in you mind and present it to another?
You live you life guided by ideals, and wonder why you're drowning in disapointment.
You fear not making that connection. Knowing the cancer that you carry can do the same to others keeps you from engaging. Keeping others at arm's length keeps them safe from taking part in the masochism you've known as commonplace in your life.
All of these realizations give you newfound knowledge of yourself. Your inner workings and that of the world at large, yet it doesn't change a thing....
When all is said, when all is done, you still need that connection.