Aelthwyn

I've thought this before, but sometimes the realisation just strikes me. I think all my life I've pretty much been too overwhelmed to really do anything with myself. Like, on a grand scale, like goals, like doing something with my life. Actually this is pretty well demonstrated in smaller scale for me when I'm trying to make a decision about something and cannot choose between the options. I have to do all or nothing, so usually I just don't choose any of the possibilities.

There are just SOOOOOO many different things I want to do, to learn, to know. It seems impossible to come to complete competance in even one topic of interest, let alone all of them that catch my eye. I can't choose between them. I can't focus on just one or two while they are all there swirling around me. All I can do is stand here in wonder at the immense POSSIBILITY. Which of course means none of it will be 'realised'.

I often feel like if I knew I'd have thousands of years at my disposal to eventually get around to all these things in, then I could snap out of my paralysis and start focusing on one thing - knowing I wasn't actually saying no to everything else, just 'later.' I don't know if this is actually true, but it feels like it anyways. It's this feeling of 'why bother' because I'm never going to be able to get it all in, so I just don't know where to start, what to choose, what to eliminate, what to actually cross off the Possibilities list. As long as I don't step down any path, all the paths are still open to me. I Could be this or I Could do that. Almost like choosing one would be denying a part of myself that is in there somewhere that I don't want to let go of. But I know I can't BE everything that I might immagine being, not all at once.

yeah....*shrug* I think this explains a lot about me anyways. Lot's of potential, no fixed goals. How do I get anywhere if I just keep scanning the horizon, or if I keep veering off on new things that I'll only barely begin before veering off again?

But the strange thing is, I don't really feel a sense of dissatisfaction if I never 'accomplish' anything. It would be fun to. And I don't like feeling like other people think I'm lame for not doing so. But, I suppose my sense of contentment with simply Being-a-Possibility also creates a lack of drive. Somehow, I just haven't ever had this real need to DO something with my life. I dunno.