Aelthwyn

So there’s something that I have a really hard time understanding. I’ve run across some people who really have a problem with other people not holding the same opinions or values that they do. By this I mean it really bothers them whenever they hear someone (particularly someone they know, but not necessarily) simply make a statement they don’t personally agree with. They can’t just ignore it or move on, they can’t accept and respect the person anyways. They can’t just not think about that person’s oppinion. They need to try to make the other person see things their way, or they find it really hard to hang out with them because that disagreement just nags them in their brain or something, so usually they end up ‘cutting them out of their life’ essentially, or writing them off as discredited overall. I’ve known a few people who are like this and it really baffles me.

I can understand if the topic you disagree on creates practical issues between you on a daily basis, causing you to be unable to interact in any capacity without it turning into an argument. I can understand if it’s a value that influences the way they treat you, causing you to feel unsafe with them. But MOST disagreements are really not that serious or far reaching. Even deeply held values often don’t affect everyday interactions all that much. Often it’s mindless habits which are more consistantly difficult to live with than people’s ideas about deep abstract concepts about the meaning of life or whatever. So I just don’t understand how or why some people are so bothered by different opinions that they feel the need to reject an entire person over it, not just the idea itself. I know this sounds rather judgemental, but what I’m trying to say is that I would like to try to understand from their perspective.

An example which brought this to mind at the moment is someone I know who has a problem with people being vegitarians. I can’t say he goes so far as to never associate with any vegitarians, but he seems to have this strange thing where he really keeps people at a distance if they don’t eat meat. What in the World is that about? I mean who cares if they don’t eat meat, it’s not like they’re making him give it up. Maybe don't go to out lunch with them, but I don’t see how it affects his interaction with them so much that there is no way he could be good friends with them. It just baffles me. That’s just one example. I’ve also seen friends do the same thing over other random topics, like people who aren’t fans of the something they like, or people who analyse literature differently than they do, etc. I have one friend who gets frantically upset every time she reads any article or review in which someone expresses a different opinion than her own. It’ll bother her all day, she’ll boycott everything written by that person from then on. And I just sit back thinking “uh……..that’s life sweetheart, most people in the world disagree with you on most things, but how does that matter if you’re never even going to have an actual conversation with them? And how does their opinion on one thing invalidate everything they think about everything else?” It’s like the very fact of another opinion existing feels like a judgement on themselves and puts them on the defensive. I feel like this has something to do with accepting other people as separate entities from yourself, allowing them the right to be what they are, and being okay with being what you are without a need to make everyone the same. I think perhaps to some extent it has to do with personality type, though I’m not exactly sure how. I want to say it’s a P/J difference, but maybe not. Or perhaps Fe vs. Fi? I dunno, what do you think?

For me I guess I just see each topic as separate from a person on the whole, so I’m comfortable disagreeing with them on certain things while still respecting them overall. And I don’t really mind if someone disagrees with me, I don’t see it as something to get upset about -it’s their opinion and I don’t have to share it. I get upset if they try to make me agree with them or if they treat me with scorn because of it, but as long as they respect me then I don’t see it as any kind of problem. It might be disappointing that we can’t share that cushy sense of identification in that one area, but it’s to be expected that I’m not going to have that all the time with every person. I’m perfectly okay with just avoiding certain topics with certain people so we don’t have to keep rehashing the same differences of oppinion. I mean, sure the more I have in common with someone the more easily we can hang out. It’s only natural to spend more time with people you agree with on more things. But to consciously cut someone out because of certain disagreements you have which don’t affect the entire range of possible interactions with them seems like throwing the baby out with the bathwater to me. A personal example is that on the one hand I find it disturbing that anyone actually likes to watch horror films because to me it is filling your brain with cruelty and darkness and trauma that doesn’t need to be there which adds to the overall ballance of negative thoughts in you and in the world, and which could potentially fuel one’s expectations of others or even ones own actions (if sufficiently pushed) which you wouldn’t have even thought about if you’d never seen it. BUT I don’t dissociate with people I know who happen to like horror films, I just don’t watch those movies with them and I let them know I’d rather them not talk about that when I’m around. It may be something close to a strongly held value for myself, but I allow others to have a differing opinion and it doesn’t prevent me from enjoying their company, and trusting their taste, in other settings. I don't write them off as immoral or mentally unsound, not even in my own head. I just accept that it's something I don't understand and allow for the possibility that it doesn't affect them the way I would immagine it to.

I was thinking of posting this as a question in a new thread, but then my explaination got rather long and I figured it sounded a bit too rant-like as well, so I guess I'll make it a blog-post and hope I get a few responces.