by, 02-08-2012 at 06:12 PM (280 Views)
I've had nine visits with my therapist over the course of four months. Therapy has impacted me in so many positive ways. My therapist always asks the right questions and opens my eyes to new perspectives and new things to ponder. He's very straight-forward and very direct with me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Tonight was no different. He told me that he felt I wasn't being completely open with him and that he didn't mention it before because that can often go away over time and that this obviously wasn't the case with me. He pointed out that from his perspective, it seemed as if I were afraid of making myself vulnerable. As soon as he said that word, I felt heat come over my face. Vulnerable was a trigger word for me, and I found that odd. I was pissed yet relieved that he called me out on it, though, because he's right. Once he pushed that button, though, that nice 8 gut fix came out. I looked him straight in the eyes and told him, "I don't like to appear weak." There was dead silence in the three seconds that followed my making that statement. Neither of us broke eye contact at that time. He then said, "That was huge. What you just said is a big step toward getting yourself unstuck from these situations." That's where our session ended.
On the way home, I tinkered with the thought of hating vulnerability. What do I hate about it? Was I always this way? I know I wasn't. I actually used to take pride in my vulnerability. What happened? What changed? I still don't have an answer for myself. The important thing here is that I'm looking for one.
This continuous path to self-discovery never ceases to amaze me. This has been an incredible journey so far, and I can't wait to see what turn I'll take next. I'm even more excited to see where I'll end up. Only time will tell. In the meantime, self-reflection is all I've got. God, this is a good place to be.