Interesting! Thanks for posting this.
I also feel like my "lovemap" (and I'm using that term loosely because I am pretty ignorant about enneagram) is mostly unconscious--that there have been certain qualities I just assumed were there (in a partner). These qualities were only discovered in events where I felt very betrayed or (IDK--endangered, misunderstood), as being "non-negotiable" requirements for love.
This thread makes me want to know my enneagram and instinctual variant.