This is a discussion on "The Five Love Languages" Explained within the Articles forums, part of the Announcements category; Originally Posted by Valkyria Sexist like most american relationship pseudoscience. ? You believe that the Love Languages are sexist? How's ...
Quick Question for any of those psychoanalists out there:
What does it mean if my parents primary love languages are very strongly acts of service, recieving gifts, and words of affirmation (in that order for both parents) while mine is primarily physical touch closely followed by quality time, plus I purposefully deprive myself of physical touch (since I didn't grow up in a touchy-feely home and am extremely introverted it makes me very uncomfortable to be physically touched) even though I really do just want someone to give me a hug or a pat on the back every once in a while? Its as if when someone touches me (I'm talking hugs or pats on the back or shoulder) it gives me such a strong reaction that I outwardly act upset when it actually makes me happy because its giving me something I'm deprived of and sorely need. Why do I do this?
I like the idea about writing down gift ideas as they come. I have a terrible memory for stuff like this and I am absolutely not a gifts person. Words of affirmation is the most important to me. And I'm starting to realize how much quality time is important to me as well. Physical touch is also a big one. But again, when it comes to gifts...I suck. And my mom's love language is gifts for sure. Everyone in my family sucks at giving gifts. But to be fair, I'm a huge words of affirmation person and no one else in my family really understands it or is good at giving compliments.
I think a combo of all five types is ideal
7 Words of Affirmation 5 Quality Time 6 Receiving Gifts 5 Acts of Service 7 Physical Touch
[QUOTE=Wilsonwatson;2937014 mine is primarily physical touch closely followed by quality time, plus I purposefully deprive myself of physical touch (since I didn't grow up in a touchy-feely home and am extremely introverted it makes me very uncomfortable to be physically touched) even though I really do just want someone to give me a hug or a pat on the back every once in a while? Its as if when someone touches me (I'm talking hugs or pats on the back or shoulder) it gives me such a strong reaction that I outwardly act upset when it actually makes me happy because its giving me something I'm deprived of and sorely need. Why do I do this?[/QUOTE]
I can relate to this in a sense. I grew up without much physical affection as a child, and whenever I would receive a hug from a family member, or friend, I would just stay limp and stand there awkwardly. I never learned how to reciprocate physical touch with people until I was about 16 and I had my first girlfriend. After that it doesn't seem so awkward and forced, I think because I never knew what it was like to want someone to touch me until then. Even still, I am single, and the idea of hugging my mother, my siblings, or anyone leaves me feeling cold. I WANT affection from someone, but only a lover or someone I like in a romantic way. Now, I put up with hugs from family just to be polite, but it doesn't make me feel warm at all, it's just something I'm expected to do so I do it.
A friend of mine and his girlfriend are actually taking a class on "The 5 Love Languages". He told me that he has learned that those who grew up with all the love languages expressed in the home, have the most difficulty adapting in relationships. This is especially true in the cases where their partner speaks a primary love language. The person who grew up with all love languages will feel like there is something missing.
I found this interesting as it's almost like saying those who grew up in a healthy environment are less adaptable. In my own experiences, I can see where this idea might have some credence. Perhaps in relationships past I've been adaptable a bit too much and maybe even to my own detriment? For instance, my father's love language is acts of service. So later on in my dating life, I could adapt to a man who had acts of service or even something else that was different than my primary language. I could "hang" in this relationship regardless of how my love language was different or what needs were not being met on my end. This is because I'm used to this type of relationship with my father. It's sort of like an international relationship where things need to be translated. In these types of relationships I had an inner monologue that would go something like this: "Oh....I sometimes get frustrated he doesn't text me more (quality time), but that is because his love language is acts of service. So we just need to understand that about each other." But now in hindsight, I feel I was settling.
Sometimes I feel like all the love languages are my love language. In other times, I've felt like my love language must be only what is missing in my current relationship. For instance- am I not getting enough one-on-one devoted time? That must mean that quality time is my primary language. Or if I'm not getting enough verbal validation, then I've thought words of affirmation must be my primary love language. And I will even test accordingly during those times.
So whether or not my primary love language is words of affirmation or quality time, how come I'm able to also receive the other love languages as love?
Right now I'm in a relationship with a man and it's almost impossible to tell his primary love language. It's between these three- Physical touch, words of affirmation, or quality time. And I soak them all up. He massages me, cooks for me, and sends me loving messages through out the day while he is at work. I don't feel I am in "need" of anything and because I love his constant physical touch so much and his acts of service, I am now thoroughly confused as to what my true love language really is. I believe this confusion is due to not having the usual back drop of being in need of something (one of the love languages) from my partner. Instead, I'm getting them all and I am even responding in the same manner like it was the most natural thing ever.
I would say the man I'm with is a very healthy person who grew up in a very loving household. He seems to be able to speak most of the love languages quite well. This blows my mind. I tend to crave and finally feel relaxed that I've met a person who does give it all to me quite well. We are very compatible and it's a very relaxing relationship.
So I'm thinking in our situation, either both of our love languages are all of them, or we both have quality time as our primary love language. And perhaps have the same primary love language, makes us much more open to the giving and receiving of all the other types of love languages? Just something to ponder.
By your words, maybe it's not wrong to deprehend tht the people that least express affection, are those who need it the most. But it's kind of confusing to people who use touch as a love language, to deal in intimacy with that, because it might make us think that we are being rejected/not appreciated and that we wouldn't be missed.