Pushing People Away

Pushing People Away

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  • 1 Post By Korvyna
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This is a discussion on Pushing People Away within the Advice Center forums, part of the The Cafe Lounge category; I've got a big problem with pushing people away that get close to me. I hardly ever let anyone really ...

  1. #1

    Pushing People Away

    I've got a big problem with pushing people away that get close to me. I hardly ever let anyone really get to know me. There is one person that I've let into my life and haven't pushed away.... And I'm not entirely sure that would be the case if he hadn't really stuck up for me and proved his loyalty as a friend.

    I don't know if it's just something inside me that screams this will never work... Or if it's just my fear of getting hurt. In some cases, I know it's not just fear since I've done it to people that I really doubt would ever hurt me, even unintentionally. Heck, maybe it's both...

    I just don't know how to stop pushing people away.
    Blue Butterfly thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Do you feel you have any unresolved issues that re-surfaces when people are beginning to get close to you? A fear of intimacy, of commitment?
    Blue Butterfly and Plaxico thanked this post.

  3. #3

    Check out this guy Dr Paul Dobransky Self-Help & Relationship Advice For Women - Dr. Paul

    I used his stuff for guys when I was going through some rough times, and it is without a doubt one of the biggest changes I have ever gone through. His book MindOs and one his DVDs for guys opened up my eyes.

    He talks about having boundaries, what self esteem is made from and some other 'inner game' things. Try it and see.
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    Firstly, What exactly do you mean by 'pushing others away'? You don't have control over others and you can't push them away, only they can choose to leave. Not unless you are physically pushing them out of your front door, or something

    Secondly, you say 'I don't know' a lot, which Dr Paul would say is a boundary hole and I agree with him on this, any boundary hole means that stress can come into your life and your self esteem, well being and confidence can leek out. For example, if I offer you a red t shirt to wear, you can say yes or no, you would look at it and tell me what you don't like about it. Any and I mean ANY 'I don't know's' that you have in your life basically are boundary holes, and to seal them up all you do is make a preference. Pick a yes or no. Yes Cardinalfire I will wear that red t shirt or no, it's got holes in it and it looks ugly and doesn't match my eyes. though all you can do is pick your preferences.
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    'I don't know how to stop pushing people away', well you can't... Does that make sense? you can't make them do anything, stay or otherwise. I control me, you control you and the people that you 'push away' control themselves. So you don't actually 'push them away', believing that there is a part of another persons boundary you control creates the illusion you have pushed them away. We are ultimately responsible for ourselves and not others. It is best to create the life you want for yourself and be happy alone in your own personal boundary, and let others go about their own lives. This doesn't mean becoming a hermit or ignoring human contact altogether, it just means becoming a 'tortoise'. Getting a thick skin of your own personal preferences. Ask yourself, what do I like and dislike in my life? and then stick by them. Any preference is yours, be assertive, do the right thing, recognise what you control (ie you) and what you don't (other people, the weather etc). You don't have to justify these preferences to anyone. So long as you have your own code of ethics and don't break the law, you can do whatever you like, and allow others the freedom to choose to. Get used to saying no and hearing no. Somebody walking away from you is like them saying no, just with movements.
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    My personal advice, I'm just guessing and I've never met you, so don't take offence to this or any of this post. It may be that:
    - perhaps you don't have a clear separation in your mind between yourself and others? I.E. seeing yourself as separate and not dependent on them, nor they on you.
    - you have difficulty trusting others, which would suggest a lack of self confidence on your part.
    - difficulty recognising what traits are good in others and what kind of characters and personalities to avoid, I keep these as separate because they really are in my eyes.
    - let go of the past, we don't control the past or the future only the present moment.
    - any fear of getting hurt, would suggest that you allow others to hurt you. You control your emotions, and all you need to do is boost your self esteem. Which is made up of two things according to Dr paul, and this works for me, Well being and confidence.
    To get well being just be assertive, say what you want in your life and what you don't , say what you will accept and what you won't. Do it for everything from the superficial (what are your favourite colour socks?) to the in-depth (what political party do you support?) and maybe even with people (what characteristics do you value? honesty, integrity, etc and what kind of people will you allow in your life? what will you allow more of and what will you take no more?).
    Secondly for confidence, you have to use your conscience and shrewdness. Conscience - recognising the right or wrong actions that goes on inside you, and shrewdness - recognising the right or wrong environments coming at you. So you may be with someone and feel yeah I get on well with this person, I haven't been rude to them (conscience), they haven't been rude to me (shrewdness) and so why are they leaving me? Oh it doesn't matter it's their choice not mine, I've got other things to do anyway. That's just one example.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I know that's a lot of stuff, I hope some of it helps. I would recommend checking out Dr Paul's eBook MindOS , the operating system of the human mind. It is the one book that has changed my life and I would recommend it to anyone. Give it a shot, I definitely recommend it, or sign up to the forums on that site, men and women are on there giving free advice, and his tutors are really helpful too. I am on there as cardinalfire, so if you decide to go over and check it out keep an eye out for me. I have written some posts which have helped people there. I hope this post was of some use, you have kept your problem quite vague at the moment because you haven't given any left brain details, just a general 'why do I keep pushing people away', which is fine, problems usually start out as general depending on how well defined our personal boundary is.

    Any problem is basically like landing on earth, we are so far out and general and then when we get mature, clearly define our boundary, we narrow down and limit our options and land on earth in a special place that is unique for us. A small island called our IDENTITY, because no one before us or after us is going to be like us, and it is preferences and a personal boundary which makes our identity. Life would be boring if everyone liked the Beatles, so I am glad I know some people who don't, anyway it's their choice, there boundary not mine. I like saying boundary...
    susurration and Brie thanked this post.

  4. #4

    1. Maybe you're being too cautious? As in... do you tend to suspect that people have bad intentions? That's the feel I seem to get, I apologise if I'm wrong. Although not everyone's intentions are necessarily good maybe you could try to loosen up a bit and be more optimistic about that because people have this knack of sensing it when someone doesn't like them/thinking negatively of them.

    2. Or maybe it might also be that you don't enjoy constant social activity? Do you have the feeling of burn out?? I don't know but I suppose this is unlikely because it said on your profile that you are an extrovert...

    3. Maybe it's because you don't have topics to talk about. Try to find something you and your friend like to do together then you guys don't have to talk so much.

    What exactly do you mean by "pushing away"? Do you avoid them? If this is so, is it because you feel uncomfortable? Do you think you could express this to the other party?

    All the best.

  5. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by Korvyna View Post
    I've got a big problem with pushing people away that get close to me. I hardly ever let anyone really get to know me. There is one person that I've let into my life and haven't pushed away.... And I'm not entirely sure that would be the case if he hadn't really stuck up for me and proved his loyalty as a friend.

    I don't know if it's just something inside me that screams this will never work... Or if it's just my fear of getting hurt. In some cases, I know it's not just fear since I've done it to people that I really doubt would ever hurt me, even unintentionally. Heck, maybe it's both...

    I just don't know how to stop pushing people away.
    It sounds to me that protection and security are probably deeply meaningful things to you. I imagine that one of the goals you have for yourself is to feel safe with a tight-knit group of friends/family, and to protect them.

    I think that you keep part of yourself constantly protected and guarded from people, because if you open yourself up and become vulnerable and trusting, you also become vulnerable to potential attacks. You do not want to be hurt, so you keep the guards up. It is actually very sensible, when you think about it.

    This makes sense of the way you were able to let a friend in. You say he proved his loyalty by standing up for you. This makes me think that he acted as your guardian or protector, making himself another layer of protection against others. He aligned himself with you to protect you from attacks. I can see how this would be deeply meaningful to you; and indeed it earned him a closer position in your life.

    Now, there are different ways to work through this problem.

    A) You could ignore it, and continue on as you are. Plenty of people make friends the same way that you do, by waiting for them to prove their worthiness. Let's face it, not everybody deserves to be befriended by you. You should have good-quality people in your life, after all. But this means waiting for people to prove their loyalty through battling on your behalf. These people become another part of your defense system.

    B) You could try to meet people half way, by opening up to them a bit, and seeing where that leads you. If they seem okay, you could open up a bit more.

    If you like this option, you'd need to figure out what it is that you do to push people away.
    -- Do you lash out at them verbally or physically?
    -- Do you assert yourself too much, and maybe try to control them?
    -- Do you hold back from communicating with them?
    -- Or something else?
    Once you know what it is you do, you can learn to notice when you are doing it, and stop yourself.

    Note: I hope this message has made some sense. It is nearly 1am here. I have been unable to sleep, but I am feeling rather exhausted now. Sorry if this is all just babble. I'd be interested in hearing more of your thoughts on the subject, as I find it interesting.

  6. #6

    Phew, man, you INFJs sure know how to nail things like this on the head.
    It is true that I am not sure everyone has the best of intentions, even though I would love to believe that they do. And cardinalfire also has a point about letting go of the past. I often have a hard time giving a new person a chance... Because I compare them to someone from my past that hurt me. So I end up thinking something irrational (out of fear of getting hurt) that this person will just do the same thing. The hard part about letting go of the past is, when I do that I get hurt.

    I recently dated a guy, that again, reminded me of someone I used to hang around with... They were very similar. He was an introvert, so I was understanding of his social preferences and how much communication there was. And in the end, he ended up using me and I got hurt, just like I did before. I'm trying to let go of that and not be bitter, because part of that was my fault. My gut instinct told me something wasn't right... And I silenced it. I ignored it. I refused to believe it.

    And when I say pushing away, I mean literally... A guy that I was starting to get close to made a move to put his hand on my leg and I pushed it away. Another example is the ignoring of phone calls, text messages, emails, IMs, etc. It's like I completely shut down when someone starts to get close.

    I do have self confidence issues. I am working on part of that right now. I felt like no one would be attracted to me because I had gotten such a bad case of acne, so I went out and bought some acne treatment and it's clearing up now. Surprisingly, being back in school for my second degree has really helped me out with self confidence too.

    And Anon - I'm pretty sure I have commitment issues...I think in a sense I have intimacy issues... As for me sex doesn't really have any ties to love, at least it hasn't for me yet... Perhaps if I check out who cardinalfire suggested I can figure out why I have commitment issues and how to fix it.

    Thanks for all the great advice!

  7. #7

    Hun, sometimes we will push away the people that don't deserve it, and it really is an issue of our own, not that they have done anything wrong. I have felt very close to someone for a long time now and during my own hardships in which my insecurities became apparent to me, I was pushing this person away. But I spoke to him about my fears and it helped so much that I realized if I hadn't faced this issue of mine, I'd have been hurt anyway. One can get hurt by plunging into it or not doing it at all. The issues remain in ourselves.

    Some wonderful advice given above. I will also like to add that that perhaps you don't want to be vulnerable. You don't want people to know some parts of your life. But you're human like everyone else. You may not know how to connect with people and fear the rejection/pain it could cause if people would know the real you. It goes to show how much you really need/want this type of connection with someone: security, love, friendship, loyalty, etc.

    Are these fears realistic or are they just due to normal insecurities that most people experience sometimes in life?

    Assess your situation realistically and then ask yourself another question. What if you never take a chance on closeness because of your fears? In any relationship a person wants to know that the person they are with is with them too. The only way to find out if that’s the case is to get past your fear and take a chance on getting past your fear of commitment and trust.

    You can try some of the following:

    • Practice to share one thought at a time, to people you consider important. Gradually you will develop the habit to share yourself.
    • Recognize the walls you hide behind: whether you withdraw silently or become overly talkative. Find a balance, be yourself.
    • You alone have to decide when to open up and with whom - so practice identifying when you're hiding from the world in this respect and whether you should continue doing so.
    • Know what you want, what you like, what you dislike... be your own boss.
    Korvyna thanked this post.

  8. #8

    I found everyone's suggestion and advices here pretty much sums it all. Find your boundaries and standard, change it if you want, let them suck it if you don't. : |

    Now HOW to change the boundaries and settling with it...

    but a question;

    Recognize the walls you hide behind: whether you withdraw silently or become overly talkative. Find a balance, be yourself.
    is this a wall? In what ways? I understand withdrawing silently as in, you're not giving much to talk about, but overtly talkative..?


 

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