How to make sure I keep mentally healthy? in this peculiar situation?

Hi, I am going through a quite bizarre situation right now and I need help. First off I am 18 years old and am currently living under my parents roof awaiting college. (their making me go to a nearby college so I cant leave) The peculiar situation happens to be that my father has a personality disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD to go along with his alcoholic tendencies and whatever else may be layered under there. (I don't want to find out) I cannot even begin to tell you what its like to live in the same house with him. Its like a constant emotional oppression (it sounds lame and fake here, but wait until you experience it) and talking to him is like talking to a really dumb 6 year old. Ive seen my mom suffering my entire life being with him, and I can see her literally blanking out certain things that he says as a way to cope with the relationship and it makes me sad. Well long story short (there are a lot more shitty things that go along with NPD but I dont feel like having a pitty party so im going to get to the point now) NPD suffererrs like to cut off their family from all of their loved ones as a way for the family to focus completely on them, and this is exactly what he did. After cheating on my mother in Michigan (not the first time either) he said he needed to go away from michigan to Texas because he needed to leave all the ignorant people that live there behind. (He never admitted to cheating) So we moved to Texas because he cheated, and we were forced to up and leave our extended family, friends, (a girl I really liked!!!) and schools for no reason. Now that were in Texas weve found out in the first month that hes already started cheating again so my Mom cant take it and wants to move back. So I decided to fill my mom in on his disorder while she was in a rational state (let me tell you she acts like a crazy irrational psychopath when hes around) Now shes going to divorce him after we gather enough funds and move back to Michigan in a few months.(He made her use her retirement fund to move even though she didnt want to, but she thought maybe it would help their marriage)

Now here is my question, from stories Ive heard about his father it sounds like he had NPD too. So I have been freaking out thinking I am going to get NPD and this is a scarier thought then me dying or something. I could never let myself be as hateful or uncaring towards my loved ones as him and if I did I dont know what Id do. Id rather be dead. So Ive been going on a sort of mental cleansing, and trying to fix any psychological hiccups I may have. Ive had these urges to literally get rid of every physical thing I own and to just help people. (This would be the exact opposite of the narcissist) Any advice on how I can stay mentally aware and "clean" (I guess you would say) Would be most helpful because I dont know what the hell im supposed to do. I dont have anyone in the vicinity to talk to about it either. I feel like Im going mad thinking about this, so any help would be amazing.

(also I wasnt sure if this went in general psychology or here so... if its in the wrong spot sorry)

Our threads posted at the same time, or at least yours wasn't posted before mine and I feel sort of guilty now like my boring thread it driving away the attention your thread deserves! I'm sorry about that . . . I tried to delete mine but then realised there's no delete button. :(
I wish I had good advice for you. The concept of being narcissic as an actual hereditary disorder is fascinating . . . and terrifying from your perspective. I'm not sure how much I by that though, I mean I suppose it does make sense, but . . .It's kind of like in Harry potter when he first puts on the sorting hat and it tells him how he would do well in Slytherin but then he's like, "Not Slytherine." And then the hat's like "Really? Well, then you'd better be GRYFFINDOR!" (He say's the Gryffindor part out loud) So, what I'm saying is that remember that you are in control of your mind, you can work to control your thoughts and actions. Don't let some "disorder" beat you. You are in control. Just remember that. If you don't want to be a Slytherin, you don't have to be.

Thank you, and you dont have to delete your thread lol I think I may have posted this in the wrong spot anyways. I really appreciate your reply and Ive thought the same thing to myself but somehow I always find myself doubting if its true, because how did my dad let it overtake him or his father for that matter? These thoughts always scare me. But on a sidenote I very much appreciated your analogy by the way, I always quote that line GRYFFINDOR! lol like the hat says.

You know, I had the exact same thinking as you do. My Dad has some temper problems and gets vocally furious over insignificant things that are out of his control(like traffic, phones not working, cars getting scratched or dented, etc etc). Like it's actually a lot worse than it sounds, but that's how he is. I was always afraid I was going to be like this(his dad is, and so is his whole family), and I had no idea how to know if I was showing any sort of resemblance in his behavior. (thankfully I came to the conclusion I don't, but I have my tendencies to get frustrated when things I'm trying to fix don't get fixed ie buttons on a jacket or something weird).

I'm sorry you have had to deal with your father's situation. To reassure you that you are on the right track; it's really good that you already know, acknowledge and can see what your father's flaw are. And the fact that you are worrying about it, means that you will probably catch yourself(if it comes up) or you will know what not to do. If you really feel like you are worried, you can always ask someone that knows you well like your mom or a good friend and mention things that they should be looking out for and to say something if they notice a pattern. I don't know if giving everything away would be a good idea.. lol... but maybe just spend sometime being introspective and analyze yourself. Or be more mindful of what you are thinking.. best of luck.

Thank you, its good to know someone else has had a similar problem. The problem with NPD that makes it a bit scarier to me is that people with NPD never realize that they have it because they think that they are actually healthier then most people. So my main fear is that Im tricking myself into thinking I dont have NPD even though I do. I may be going a bit extreme with my conclusions (like trying to donate myself completely to help other people and getting rid of all physical things I own lol) I probably couldnt ever part with my computer anyway lol but I guess I will just try and catch myself like you guys say and keep talking on these forums lol. (this is my only social interaction Ive had so far in texas, on these forums lol)

Hmm, I can relate to you in some respects. I'm also 18, and my father is an alcoholic, gambler, although by no means does he have NPD.

I have a sister, who, for a long time my father believed had some sort of type of disorder on the autism spectrum because she has pretty close to zero empathy. Both my parents have issues that prevent them from parenting.. so as a result of being emotionally neglected, she has been displaying really concerning traits since she was about 1. As soon as I was of the age to recognise my sisters (they are twins) were being neglected, it was virtually too late. The damage has been done, and after having researched disorders for a while, I am convinced my sister has NPD. She fits all the criteria with a-plomb. It is very hard to try and save let alone handle a passive agressive pre-teen NPD, so I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with and adult NPD. It is very frustrating and saddening to have to be the parent of your parents..
Of course they aren't bad people, and i'm sure you might come across people on here, who self identify as having it. But it doesn't make it any easier. It is very hard to forgive and forget the things they say and do..


Now, about the craziness.. my biggest fear is becoming my parents. There is a strong history of mental illness in my family, and I have significant issues due to my childhood.. I can totally empathise with you. Don't think too much about it, because fearing getting a disorder or going crazy, can lead to anxiety (or be symptomatic of anxiety disorders). I'm sure it is natural to be concerned about becoming what he and your grandfather were, But it is an encouraging sign that you care about how you treat people.
I guess from all this, you have the opportunity to be aware of your mental health. Research shows there are symptoms that lead up to the onset of a lot of psychiatric disorders (kind of warning signs), and the effectiveness of recovery is improved, the earlier it is discovered and tackled. Numerous factors account for these disorders, so I wouldn't be too worried about that if I were you.

I'm concerned about the other effects on you and the rest of the family as a result of his behaviour.. I mean the constant moving around in itself is enough to be traumatic. Some significant damages could come from that.

I wish you the best! good luck, and stay strong

Thank you, and I'm sorry about your sister. It makes me sad knowing that my dad was kind of neglected to a point where he developed NPD, and that he probably wont ever function normally again (because he doesn't think anythings wrong) It must have been worse for you actually witnessing the effects taking place. Every time my feelings get the best of me and convince me to feel sorry for him. Then literally seconds later he opens his mouth and I realize that its useless to try and help him because it just ends up hurting you more than anything.

If you dont mind me asking, what was your sister like? like at the early stages? I dont mind if you dont want to say but Im intrigued.

My mother was similar to your dad. All attention had to be on her at all time. I also have a sister like that. If anyone around them gets more attention than they do they get upset and makes the people around them as miserable as they can. I would say you have the problem 90% conquered by knowing what the problem is. You have a great advantage because you saw what your dads problem caused your family. You will be careful throughout your life to keep as mentally healthy as possible so it wont happen to you. If you do notice problems you will be more likely to go for help before you are to sick to be helped. I think you are going to do just fine in life. I really admire people like you that can see there really is problems like this.

My parents are alcoholics (and considered "recovering" for very long periods of time). I'm not an alcoholic, though. So... just because your father and grandfather have NPD, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will, too.

Giving to others will help you cope, because you will see the "good" in life. (Never lend money though, give it away if you want, but never lend it, because that just puts more pressure on the other person to pay off the debt.)
I used to be very cynical and negative, but at some point, I forced myself to be nice and positive, and since then, I've never looked back. Under stress I'll revert back, but it doesn't last very long, thankfully. Perhaps once you get back to Michigan, you can try that out too.

Originally Posted by Hurting

My mother was similar to your dad. All attention had to be on her at all time. I also have a sister like that. If anyone around them gets more attention than they do they get upset and makes the people around them as miserable as they can. I would say you have the problem 90% conquered by knowing what the problem is. You have a great advantage because you saw what your dads problem caused your family. You will be careful throughout your life to keep as mentally healthy as possible so it wont happen to you. If you do notice problems you will be more likely to go for help before you are to sick to be helped. I think you are going to do just fine in life. I really admire people like you that can see there really is problems like this.

This makes me feel better, thank you :) I'm gonna try and get a counselor or something soon anyways, just so I can make sure theirs nothing wrong :P

Originally Posted by INFpharmacist

My parents are alcoholics (and considered "recovering" for very long periods of time). I'm not an alcoholic, though. So... just because your father and grandfather have NPD, it doesn't necessarily mean that you will, too.

Giving to others will help you cope, because you will see the "good" in life. (Never lend money though, give it away if you want, but never lend it, because that just puts more pressure on the other person to pay off the debt.)
I used to be very cynical and negative, but at some point, I forced myself to be nice and positive, and since then, I've never looked back. Under stress I'll revert back, but it doesn't last very long, thankfully. Perhaps once you get back to Michigan, you can try that out too.

Also thank you, and recently I have been trying to be even more patient and giving in all situations that I can make that choice (doesn't happen that often here though) because I'm trying to be safe, and because it makes me feel good anyway :P

Its just that it seems like NPD is really deep seeded or something so I thought I might just be overlooking it but its actually there and is going to strike when I least suspect.


Thanks everyone for the support :D