A guy wants to be more than friends

Originally Posted by JonnyJB

My bet is that he's been picking up signals from you that he's trying to reflect back to you, that you're not in love with the fiance, that you could be romantically involved with him, etc. This is all filtered through his eyes, and he is only seeing what he sees. If you can think of what you might be doing to support this notion (or what you can do to shatter it), then maybe there's some insight you can get that will help your response.

If you can't hurt him, at least don't be a co-dependent. DON'T return his phone calls or e-mails, no matter what. No signal is better than a misinterpreted one.

My fiancé is very reserved and shy and lots of people misinterpret his personality as cold, and oh it drives me nuts anyone who gets to know him well knows he is one of the most compassionate kind and truly just good people you will ever know, it is a shame how many people just discard others and never really try to get to know them. The things that man does for me, and how many times he has been my rock in a storm are simply amazing, he is above all else my best friend in life. Some of my freinds and family opposed our engagment at first and he heard about it, and now he has it stuck in his head that our being married is a bad thing, like what I am some kind of idiotic little girl who can not make decisions for myself, oh that burns my biscuits!!!

As for not returning contact with my friend, well I did that for about 8 or 9 months then we had a mutual friend have a really bad incident (her toddler almost drowned) and he and I kind of ended up communicating again to try to help and support her, the first time I saw him or spoke to him was when we went to visit with her, but now he continues to call me, and I will once in a while return contact but not often, I was hoping that we could go back to being friends, but he still will not let it drop. He says he has never been married beucase he loves me, that there has never been and never will be another woman for him and so on and so on it kind of freaks me out a little as I know him rather well and this is so out of character for him, I wonder if he is getting a few fries short of a happy meal anymore, and is just afraid of being alone.

You can't go back to being friends because you are no longer just a friend in his mind. You're in that category where he's watching and waiting for you to let your guard down/change your mind so he can have his chance to swoop in and be your lover. Guys like this are incredibly manipulative and the behavior is slightly predatory. The only way around it is to be clear. It sounds like you're being wishy washy and throwing out mixed signals... You're spending so much time focusing on what might be wrong with him that you're not seeing how some of your behavior is creating this.

If you want him to respect your boundaries then respect them all the time, none of this you can't climb in my window (except on Sundays between 4-5 pm) . Stop calling him back.

Originally Posted by tdmg

"Joe, I know you have strong feelings for me and really love me, but you have to understand that I love my fiance just as passionately. I don't want to push you away, because I admire you and cherish your companionship, but you have to understand that you won't ever convince me to leave him and your efforts are only driving us apart as friends. I deeply appreciate your feelings, and I am unbelievably flattered. But I'm getting married, and it would be great if you could support me in that. You're a fantastic friend, but if you can't work through your feelings, I will be married, but without the support of my friend." (mix and match sentences as you please)

...and then you can fling him from the trebuchet if he refuses to listen to reason, mua ha ha ha!

Just something that strikes the balance between the truth of the matter and not crushing his soul. He will probably be devastated, but strong feelings like his don't wash away overnight. It will be tough to see your friend suffer for a few weeks, but he will emerge resembling much more the friend you once had.

I have my doubts, but it's worth a shot [off the trebuchet, mua ha ha ha!]

Originally Posted by red riding hood

Some of my freinds and family opposed our engagement at first and he heard about it, and now he has it stuck in his head that our being married is a bad thing, like what I am some kind of idiotic little girl who can not make decisions for myself, oh that burns my biscuits!!!

He sounds like a wonderful man who tries so hard to care for others and isn't letting other people care for him. (been there, done that sort of thing.) Stick with him, sweetie; let him know he's loved, and that you can give to him and sacrifice for him just as much as he is giving to you... and it's okay. Sometimes people just have a hard time receiving love even if they can give it, especially eldest kids in the family and others who have often been forced to be responsible for other people's well-being while growing up.

I was hoping that we could go back to being friends, but he still will not let it drop. He says he has never been married beucase he loves me, that there has never been and never will be another woman for him and so on and so on it kind of freaks me out a little as I know him rather well and this is so out of character for him, I wonder if he is getting a few fries short of a happy meal anymore, and is just afraid of being alone.

Probably. Desperate, and alone, from the sounds of it, sigh.

Tell him to watch My Best Friend's Wedding and start dealing with the fact that he needs to move on. It's over, it never started, and he can build a new life for himself... he's capable of doing that. He can be happy again one day... but this road he is pursuing will only lead him to misery.

Originally Posted by LeelooDallas

You can't go back to being friends because you are no longer just a friend in his mind. You're in that category where he's watching and waiting for you to let your guard down/change your mind so he can have his chance to swoop in and be your lover. Guys like this are incredibly manipulative and the behavior is slightly predatory. The only way around it is to be clear. It sounds like you're being wishy washy and throwing out mixed signals... You're spending so much time focusing on what might be wrong with him that you're not seeing how some of your behavior is creating this.

If you want him to respect your boundaries then respect them all the time, none of this you can't climb in my window (except on Sundays between 4-5 pm) . Stop calling him back.

It would be much easier to cut all ties if we did not live in a small community, and he was not so simply engrained in not just my life but also the lives mf my friends and family, it is really like trying to avoid family, like trying to cut off an annoying little brother, he has been part of a circle of friends of mine that I have literally had sense childhood, for over 30 years.

He knows all my friends and family and vice versa, although we do have friends that we do not have in common, I am going to have to try to find one of those. I think the person who said trying to find a mutual friend to interceded and help might be a good idea, I have not said anything to anyone outside of my fiancé because I did not want to embarrass him, but this has to stop or I am going to lose more friends than him, I don’t want to end up in some kind of battle where people have to take sides, but what he is doing is wrong, and I can not think of anyone that would think I should cave in on it. Although he and I are friends and I love him like a brother, he is kind of petter panish and has just never wanted to grow up, I would never date a guy like him, and I have told him that.

You INFJ gals get the loonies, I think you all need an ENTP bodyguard.

I think it's time to embarrass him . YOU feel uncomfortable in this situation,correct? He doesn't seem to have any qualms about embarrassing you,disrespecting you (or your fiance).. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings. A true friend would not act in a way that would cause the other person pain or offense. A true friend doesn't just think of what their needs are. A true friend respects boundaries.This dude is not your friend... So why are you so concerned about him? He might be a good person in terms of giving CPR to baby birds or helping old ladies across the street,but he's not a good friend.

Tell your friends and family about his behavior. Give him a painful and scathing tongue lashing in public of all the reasons you wouldn't go out with him(extra points if you make those reasons about HIM ): guys HATE feeling emasculated in public and that will destroy any attraction he had to you because you will have essentially made his balls shrivel up to the size of raisins.

Lee, that would work if all she wanted to do was get rid of him. But it seems like she would like to salvage something.

Holly, I don't understand your response to my comment. Are you trying to say it's too harsh and cruel? Do you feel the same way too Red?

You will have to hurt him.

Originally Posted by tdmg

Lee, that would work if all she wanted to do was get rid of him. But it seems like she would like to salvage something.

then she's in denial
once a woman has entered the "yeehaw i'm gonna think about her sexually" zone with a guy, the friendship is over.he's not going to go back to having non sexual feelings after he's jerked off to thoughts of her.

seriously ladies, this is how some of you end up with dudes in your bushes with listening devices to the windows or dudes breaking into your houses and trying on your underwear....

these things tend to not happen if you're clear in communicating that being disrespectful has repercussions

Originally Posted by tdmg

Lee, that would work if all she wanted to do was get rid of him. But it seems like she would like to salvage something.

Holly, I don't understand your response to my comment. Are you trying to say it's too harsh and cruel? Do you feel the same way too Red?

Honey I think your suggestion is just fine and I appreciate you help, if it is too harsh well then I am a witch because I have pretty much already tried it, in both e-mail and verbally. I am very honest, especially when it comes to protecting my relationship with the man I am going to marry. I am a devout catholic and do believe the teaching of the church that you have to be able to put that relationship first or a marriage will not survive, so there is no way I am going to sit by and let anyone disrespect the man I love, or my relationship to him.

I just hate all the conflict and confrontation, living in a small rural community can suck sometimes, although it has its upsides. Over half the township knew of my engagement before I ever announced it, and the tall tales ensued, by the time it got back to me I was marrying a rocket scientist and moving to DC. (I have had a rather colored past moved away and moved back, and well a few other odd things… so people seem to still like to gossip about me in my home town) that is just the way we work, so if I call my friend out in public on this crap…. lord have mercy the gossip and lines and sides will be drawn up in a week, and I hate drama. I moved home to live in peace and solitude; I forgot about the rumor mill of course it was better than the cutthroat people I was living around before I did get back home.

I really don’t like to be talked about neither does my fiancé. I love my home, and honestly have thought about moving just because I don’t want to deal with this stuff. I am that introverted. I hate being in the public eye in any way, and man oh man this one will be gossip central if I call him out. We have a big end of the community pig roast coming up, and I have thought about confronting him publicly there, but I am dreading it, and I am going to try the route of getting a friend of his to intercede first.

Originally Posted by LeelooDallas

seriously ladies, this is how some of you end up with dudes in your bushes with listening devices to the windows or dudes breaking into your houses and trying on your underwear....

OMG too funny but well done and I agree you have to set clear limits but I think guys that nuts will usually ignore them any way, and BTW I think you might be right, I am a total nut job magnet.

Once I really did end up with some guy that I did not know at all doing that crap, he broke into my car and had my jewelry, and he used to look into the windows of my house at night, and then go arrested trying to break in on valentines day, he was a registered sexual predator man that was kind of scary, and another reason I moved back to the country where I grew up, and got my dog protection training and security systems. I really totally did not know the guy at all.

I do not think my freind now has gone total nuts, but he is definelty pushing the limits of my tolerance.