How can someone get over his problems?

Hi everyone,I really have a hard time getting over my problems,I remember every detail of the bad things that happened to me,I don't forget them at all..my family always tell me to get over my problems and move on,but saying something is a lot easier than doing it...

Originally Posted by Yomna Alaa

Hi everyone,I really have a hard time getting over my problems,I remember every detail of the bad things that happened to me,I don't forget them at all..my family always tell me to get over my problems and move on,but saying something is a lot easier than doing it...

Well every problem has a solution, but they are always different depending on the situation. Since we are both sensors the best way is to rationalize it step by step. So you need someone to sit down with you and pick them apart. It would be tough to do it on a whole.

You shouldn't forget a problematic event, your wrongs, nor the wrongs of others. Having said that, nor should you let these wrongs hender your future behaviors. Learn from your mistakes and don't make them again, even if that includes changing how you interact with someone to set limits. Yeah, "Get over it", "move on" are not very descriptive.

What's the problem, and how do you handle it in a way others and youself see as undesireable? If you don't feel like answering me, then skip to how you could better handle the situation that doesn't involve dwelling in the past so much, as if the incident just happened and thought/ learning hasn't occured since then.

People in prison come to mind, having commited a great crime. They sit in a cell year after year contemplating aspects of their crime and other possibilities of behavior not resulting in going to jail. They may have internal dialogue with people, time traveling back to have a different conversation in which hostility, anger, or resentment was not the result. Which is good, because at the end of the day they have to deal with themselves.

There's a great book called Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky I read recently which looks at logical ways to deal with this sort of thing. If you have problems that are hard to forget then perhaps instead of trying to forget the details you could use the advice in this book to reframe them in a more balanced sort of way so that at least if you are remembering them you are not also thinking about additional bad stuff as well. (Hopefully that made sense! But if you read the book you will see what I mean). That would probably be more helpful than than to say “don't dwell on the past” because if the details are naturally clear to you then that probably isn't the easiest thing to do.

Incidentally my ISTJ father also has a great memory for past bad things that have happened to him too. He seems to deal with it by thinking logically and making plans to avoid similar problems in the future or to change his attitude to be more positive. He learns from his past experiences. But he has to be quite deliberate in taking a positive stance as well.

Maybe another thing is that you can't focus on two time periods at the same time. I have the opposite problem sometimes of worrying too much about what the future will be like and getting stressed out so sometimes I decide to focus only on what I am doing at that moment and not worry about anything else (or alternatively go do something distracting like read a book). Seems quite helpful sometimes.

I don't really agree with the idea that people can just “pull themselves together” and get over things. Everyone is different so it might work for your family members but not necessarily for you and they need to appreciate that you might be better off dealing with things a different way.

Do you want to elaborate on what kind of problems they are?

well,the kind of the unforgetable event is the death of two close friends of mine..they were two dogs actually.Some of you may think that I'm exaggerating -many ppl do-.But I just can't help it I can't move on ..this accident changed me....They were poisoned bec. of an insectiside.And they suffered big time and I was helpless The vets couldn't do anything,and passed away for almost a year now.

Philosophy helps a lot. Ethics. Reading about the good will from Immanuel Kant things like that. If you aren't religious, I'd reach out philosophically. You look around and you realize how small your problems are. It's humbling. Focus on growth. Now, growth, now, focus on growth now. That problem you had is 10 times better now, now now. Count up the nows. You can use hedonic calculus. You are more good than bad, etc. Read about other's struggles. There is a man from the military who was a POW, he ended up becoming a general. I forget his name. He took up stoicism and it helped him a lot. I think the key is to not get bogged down. If it's about other people and how "amoral" they are, I think you should look into the darkness of your past and realize how capable you are but this is a difficult area also. The good will really does exist. The greatest thing I think we can achieve is to realize that yes I exist and that this is of supreme importance so why not live in accord with your principles. I've done some lousy things in my life and some people have been very forgiving even though I wasn't the greatest character for the longest time. I owe it back and more so I realize now that there is nothing better than doing the right thing even if that means understanding when someone else rails out or panics. People don't just do evil for no reason. Crimes of passion are intense and having been someone who has felt extreme guilt and remorse, I think I get it now. It's about doing what's right. I don't know what your problems are but I know if you explore ethics, you would find yourself asking all kinds of questions thinkers have been asking for years. Troubled individuals much like you and me. I hope this helps.

You should check out Anthony Robins. He is a motivational speaker that my sister and Ijust started listening to. His stuff is REALLY good. It isn't just "think positive." He goes trough a step by step method for improving your life and being more happy with what you have. It really works.

I never forget bad things too. But at least I manage not to show it off in action (like crying or angry) when I'm surrounding by people.

Time.
It's the greatest healer. You will get over things when you are meant to.
But in the meantime there are things that can help patch up the wounds whilst you wait.
Try to find at least one positive in a negative. And then hold onto that positive. This sounds like psychobabble but really it isn't.
Here is an example: When a partner is abusive towards you and breaks your heart it feels like the end of the world and that you will have the same problem with other partners and it was all your fault.
But...
If you had stayed with that partner your life would have been unhappy forever and you'd be feeling a lot worse than you do now. Also, you wouldn't be able to find the person who you're meant to be with because you would still be with the abusive partner.

There is a reason for everything. It's just realising it :)

*EDIT*
Also, don't blame yourself for things you cannot control. Just be you and even if bad things happen continue to be you and be proud of yourself.
And about your dogs, you are not exaggerating. The love you have for them is beautiful and you will never get over what happened - that would make you cold and unfeeling because to get over something means you feel nothing about the situation anymore - but you will learn to cope with it. You're stronger than you think.