My Sunday School teacher once told my class that everyone has a purpose. I'm starting to wonder if mine was to be the person everyone looks at and thinks "Thank God I'm not you."
I get good grades, I'm not starving, or poor - so I know I shouldn't complain. This is just a rant, so hear me out. I go out of my way to avoid talking to people, because I hate it when they look at me like I am a pitiful little stupid child, or a boring loser, or as though I've just spoken in another language - I've learned that you can speak English perfectly in America and still not be understood. I HATE the awkward silences that ensue during conversations. I've asked them all the right questions - where they're from, what they do - and a wall of silence falls between us. My mind blanks on what to ask them next, they're staring at me or glancing at the door, I suddenly remember that I "am late for something" and scurry away, wondering what the hell I did wrong and why they don't want to talk to me. I am unattractive and quite boring - good luck asking me what's interesting in my life.
It's gotten to the point where the only thing I've really enjoy doing is spending all my time playing stupid games on the computer - i.e., I am relaxed and unstressed for 5 minutes, because no one is making fun of me and no one is "trying to be nice" and strike up a conversation with the ugly dummy in the corner. After the 5 minutes, I realize that I am going no where in life, because I don't want to join clubs, I have no clue what I want for a career, and I highly doubt I'm going to get a job anyway because I'm terrified of going outside to be surrounded and ostracized by people. I do nothing but play and watch movies. I can't even write anymore; it's as though I've lost all my creativity - at most I can only write a sentence before getting bored. My mother and I had a horrible fight about myself last week - "Why don't you care about anything in your life? Why are you so messy? Why don't you head out and enjoy yourself once in a while instead of isolating yourself all the time?"...etc., etc., etc. She thinks I have Asperger's; I am 99% sure I don't (if anyone has Asperger's, please tell me your experiences so I can back myself up on this).
In summary - I am sick and tired of being hating people, and being a screw-up. Please, please help; I've had this problem since middle school.