ENTJ & INFP - This isn't going to work

He's an ENTJ with lots of T & J. He has no F as far as I can tell.
I'm an INFP & very big on the F, also very sensitive & generally low on self-esteem.
This is not good & is not working for me bigtime.

Details:
Been together 5+ years. Shoulda got out long ago but loyalty kicks in & all.
We live together, share some belongings & such. Not married & no kids involved.
We work together in the same office - he's my superior (I know, bad move).
Have kept this relationship quiet all this time as I have never quite felt the trust and connection with him to really bring it out in the open.

I'm feeling more & more stressed out, unhappy & unwell from how much I've been pushing myself to try to make him happy. I don't sleep, can't relax, I feel dead in the water & I can't do this anymore.
I'm so over the constant criticism, personal attacks & nagging about something I haven't done yet, or haven't done to his satisfaction and continually badgers me about doing more & more stuff.

As an INFP I feel strongly about a relationship being with the one person for life. If I leave him I plan to stay single. I will also have to leave my job - I doubt he would want me around anymore at that point.
This I can handle.

How do I break this thing off? Do I say this isn't working for me & get up & go?
Some perspectives from you ENTJs & whoever else, anything would be great.

=) This is like ENTP/INFJ. It will only work if you can get him in into a one where you both Balance out in a relationship. Basically see his type and your type as three levels


Bad - Level 1
Moderately Okay - Level 2
Good - Level 3

Currently, you're in level one and need to work your way to Level 2 & 3.

Did you address your concerns to him? I mean did you tell him you wanna have a discussion about your relationship on day X (we Js need to plan) and then did you tell him that his criticism and nagging hurts you? If no, you should try this first. We xNTJs are big on talks, honesty and directness. Also, if you do so, make sure it is not "I hate you because xyz", try to address it more like "I am frustrated about your criticism" or whatever it is you want him to know. Once you are done, try to find compromises and to work on it. IF you wanna give it a last try.
If not or if you already tried your best at communication, you might wanna look around and see where you could stay in case of a split-up and where you could work before just jumping into the unknown and ending up somewhere bad. Then shortly after, make an *appointment* for a *last talk*. If you think he'd help you, you could also ask him to find something for you to stay together. But this strongly depends on his character.

Is he actually unhappy with your relationship as well, do you know that by any chance?

Originally Posted by vanWinchester

Did you address your concerns to him? I mean did you tell him you wanna have a discussion about your relationship on day X (we Js need to plan) and then did you tell him that his criticism and nagging hurts you? If no, you should try this first. We xNTJs are big on talks, honesty and directness. Also, if you do so, make sure it is not "I hate you because xyz", try to address it more like "I am frustrated about your criticism" or whatever it is you want him to know. Once you are done, try to find compromises and to work on it. IF you wanna give it a last try.
If not or if you already tried your best at communication, you might wanna look around and see where you could stay in case of a split-up and where you could work before just jumping into the unknown and ending up somewhere bad. Then shortly after, make an *appointment* for a *last talk*. If you think he'd help you, you could also ask him to find something for you to stay together. But this strongly depends on his character.

Is he actually unhappy with your relationship as well, do you know that by any chance?

Communication is really important. I don't know about you, but as an INFP I have to force myself to be bold and assertive (and I wish I was better at it...). Otherwise, people walk over me and I don't even think they realize it. Maybe this is just me, but a lot of times, I find my feelings or thoughts trampled on and instead of taking the time to talk to someone in a constructive way, I fester with depressive feelings.

If you think you're like that, it would be a great idea to try to at least have a serious conversation. If you hate confrontation (because I do!) I'm sure your J wouldn't mind if you made a notecard with some points that you need to address. And if you are calm and explain things in a non-threatening way, the two of you might be able to resolve everything. Just try not to explode! Some of us INFPs when we get overly stressed out, end up lashing out and then feel totally guilty later.

Also, unless you know that he is unhappy with the current relationship, it is entirely possible he doesn't know you feel so miserable right now. I've noticed that in past relationships. Sometimes we live entirely too much in our heads and forget our partnerscan't read our feelings just because we can read theirs!

Hi Angel,

This is coming from a person who is an ENTJ also with strong T and J. I scored 100% on both.

1) Be direct and to the point with your concerns. You may want to do it in outilne form like I'm doing now. For example"This isnt working because of A), B), C)

2) Make a logical case.. I know it sounds wierd, but the ENTJ s thrive on logic.

3) be prepared for backlash, and try not to take it personally.

4) Write down what you want to say and rehearse. What I just suggested may not come naturally.

Hey all thanks for your advice.

Things are a little better - I realized how really negative I'd become about the whole thing, so I tried dropping the negativity for a bit & things got quite better right away. It seems he does actually pick up on my feelings - he just doesn't get the reasons behind it I guess.

I've been working on telling him when things he says are hurtful (initially he scoffed a bit but I think it sinking in) and getting a list together to sit down for a chat. Its taking a bit to get my thoughts into words & reasons and getting specific incidents in mind (he's a little 'show me the proof' type). I had not really addressed my concerns to him... I guess I assumed my miserableness was rather obvious (maybe it was, just not the reasons for it?) & I didn't know how to tell him without it sounding silly or whingy & I'm so avoiding backlash. ouchy. So the list will help heaps - though I'll have to put some work into it & its still scary.

He has been unhappy with me too, more frustrated actually, he wants me to be more rational, tidy, helpful, back him up in arguments etc.

Oh well see how it goes.

The tips on ENTJ's are good - though difficult. Send more!

HI Angel,

Sounds like you are off to a good start. As you have said,he does have feelings, but will try to rationalize and compartmentalize them. The ENTJs dont want to depend on their feelings or factor feelings into any situation. I think your right, he may not understand the reasons for yours or may consider you overly emotional. Though to an ENTJ any emotion is overly emotional. ENTJS have little patience in this area. I think the list will work great.

Regarding the backlash, alot of it may be penned up emotions. Go in being confident in who you are.

Best to you Angel!

I think all the replies here have been really well said.
I actually think I can understand where you and the guy are coming from.

As someone who really does understand both sides, I think it would be really beneficial for you to be assertive with him.
I dislike when I know someone is upset and doesnt say anything. Its almost giving me incentive to be harsher or more critical and less patient. I soften up a lot when someone tells me exactly what they're feeling, and more importantly why. Long winded and unorganized thoughts after a while tend to leave me confused and almost frustrated, to the point where I want to shut down and just give up on understanding. If you can appeal to this other side of him, it might really help him see where you are coming from.

Again, I emphasize on talking to him about it clearly. I really think you guys can work it out if such a time is made for a talk like this. Five years is a long time to be with someone.

Originally Posted by RhoAlphaNuAlpha

I think all the replies here have been really well said.
I actually think I can understand where you and the guy are coming from.

As someone who really does understand both sides, I think it would be really beneficial for you to be assertive with him.
I dislike when I know someone is upset and doesnt say anything. Its almost giving me incentive to be harsher or more critical and less patient. I soften up a lot when someone tells me exactly what they're feeling, and more importantly why. Long winded and unorganized thoughts after a while tend to leave me confused and almost frustrated, to the point where I want to shut down and just give up on understanding. If you can appeal to this other side of him, it might really help him see where you are coming from.

Again, I emphasize on talking to him about it clearly. I really think you guys can work it out if such a time is made for a talk like this. Five years is a long time to be with someone.

Ummm why are you bumping this thread?
it's almost a year old and the person probably already has their answer.......
Edit: i'm not trying to be mean or anything......