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Is my father a bully?

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This is a discussion on Is my father a bully? within the Advice Center forums, part of the The Cafe Lounge category; Originally Posted by needle Are ISTPs more prone to act emotionally abusive than others, or..? Every single personality type can ...

  1. #11

    Quote Originally Posted by needle View Post
    Are ISTPs more prone to act emotionally abusive than others, or..?
    Every single personality type can act emotionally abusive. In my honest opinion, what she described was probably an ISTP one. Which is nothing but a guess and based on my identical personal experience.
    needle thanked this post.

  2. #12

    Quote Originally Posted by yet another intj View Post
    Every single personality type can act emotionally abusive. In my honest opinion, what she described was probably an ISTP one. Which is nothing but a guess and based on my identical personal experience.
    Ah, I get you.

    caught my attention since I've had similar experiences with an ISTP parent as well.
    yet another intj thanked this post.

  3. #13

    Quote Originally Posted by isingthebodyelectric View Post
    Since I could remember, my dad would make me cry by saying things to me to get a reaction out of me. He sometimes has anger outbursts and has a worse relationship with my brother, almost to points of physical aggression. For example, at one point, he was so angry he picked up my mother's late father's walking cane which was sentimental to her and snapped it in half.

    Am I right in thinking my father is a bully for teasing me and admitting he tries to annoy me and upset me by coming out with racist, sexist and xenophobic remarks? I could list the nasty things he's said to me but I don't really care to. (Called me a nasty piece of work before and accused me of being jealous of my sister's relationship with her boyfriend). It's upsetting to see others with caring fathers..

    If he's upset or stressed, he tends to take it out on me or my brother and whenever he sees my younger sister, who lives away from home, or other brother who also lives away, it's like he snaps into some over friendly helpful doting father who lives everything and everyone. It's incredibly fake and makes me feel nauseous. It makes me feel I have done something wrong to be treated differently like that. It's unsettling to see a Jekyll and Hyde before your eyes like that..

    Anyone had any experiences with parents like that and how did/do you handle it? Also with blatant favouritism or treating siblings obviously differently, giving more respect to others. How do you handle that?
    That sums up the actions of a bully very nicely. It's very immature. I can't tell you to "just leave" because I don't know your situation, but honestly, it could work. Now, I can give you my experience as to why I think "just leaving" could really be a good idea, if it is feasible for you.
    It worked for me. My dad wasn't really a bully, but he did have, let's say, many frustrations... and he just didn't really acknowledge them, or know how to deal with them properly. He was depressed, and many men won't admit to depression because it has a social stigma of weakness (which is why more women are diagnosed, not because more women actually are depressed than men, but I digress). So the problem isn't directly confronted and such things as escapism and deflection occur. Most often for men, anger becomes an easy emotion, which can change a person into a monster. Maybe your dad is depressed about something. Or he's just an ass, but there has to be something that triggers change in him or else it will always be the same.
    I was tired of living in dread. Tired of predicting the next shitty thing he would say. Tired of having to avoid his moods. Tired of being treated like a burden to him instead of a loving member of his family. So I left. That, among other things such as my mom finally being upfront with him about his attitude, seemed to change him. He admitted that he issues and went on depression pills, quit smoking, made positive changes all around and now I see him totally different. It took time, but in not living there and seeing him in small doses, I could almost chart out his level of change for the better. Like someone who lost 15 lbs since the last time you've seen them, although to them, it's been gradual and not as noticeable because they look at themselves every day. Now, many years later, we can talk about some of the ways he acted openly, and he seems genuinely regretful. Surprisingly, he remembers things he has said or done that I hardly remember, and is relieved when I tell him not to worry about it anymore, that I still do remember the good in our lives as well. We get along splendidly.

  4. #14

    Quote Originally Posted by yet another intj View Post
    Every single personality type can act emotionally abusive. In my honest opinion, what she described was probably an ISTP one. Which is nothing but a guess and based on my identical personal experience.
    I thought he was intp but certainly possible or even probable he's istp. My mother is harder to figure out but she just lets him be like this because I guess she's too tired to try and change anything.


 

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