This is a discussion on Is my father a bully? within the Advice Center forums, part of the The Cafe Lounge category; Originally Posted by needle Are ISTPs more prone to act emotionally abusive than others, or..? Every single personality type can ...
It worked for me. My dad wasn't really a bully, but he did have, let's say, many frustrations... and he just didn't really acknowledge them, or know how to deal with them properly. He was depressed, and many men won't admit to depression because it has a social stigma of weakness (which is why more women are diagnosed, not because more women actually are depressed than men, but I digress). So the problem isn't directly confronted and such things as escapism and deflection occur. Most often for men, anger becomes an easy emotion, which can change a person into a monster. Maybe your dad is depressed about something. Or he's just an ass, but there has to be something that triggers change in him or else it will always be the same.
I was tired of living in dread. Tired of predicting the next shitty thing he would say. Tired of having to avoid his moods. Tired of being treated like a burden to him instead of a loving member of his family. So I left. That, among other things such as my mom finally being upfront with him about his attitude, seemed to change him. He admitted that he issues and went on depression pills, quit smoking, made positive changes all around and now I see him totally different. It took time, but in not living there and seeing him in small doses, I could almost chart out his level of change for the better. Like someone who lost 15 lbs since the last time you've seen them, although to them, it's been gradual and not as noticeable because they look at themselves every day. Now, many years later, we can talk about some of the ways he acted openly, and he seems genuinely regretful. Surprisingly, he remembers things he has said or done that I hardly remember, and is relieved when I tell him not to worry about it anymore, that I still do remember the good in our lives as well. We get along splendidly.
Its possible he may have narcissistic personality disorder.
I'm a bit of a light socio, myself. I love messing with others psyche and generally don't feel guilt. But I don't do it often, because I understand the concept that other people have emotions. I don't care much for it, but I can live with it. If he is a narcissist, go to counselling because he's probably wrecked your psyche at some point. My socio traits developed because of my narcissist father. In the meantime, the best/worst advice I can give is suck and try not to love your father. It'd be a waste of emotion.
Shhh... calm child. I'm your father now. I'm no.1 dad. For real. That's me. I'll adopt you.
Was that creepy?
Dear, you don't have to hold yourself accountable for how 'fair' you are to him in whether you view should view him as a bully or not, although it speaks volumes of how caring you are that you even consider that you might be wrong. However, you really don't have to. What he does to you is wrong and what you feel is all right and legitimate and he has no right to do anything that makes you feel like that. Everyone deserves love and care, and that definitely includes you.
I've been in that situation myself, and I'm afraid that I really can't say much on how to 'deal with this' or 'solve it' given how complex these things are. However, I can say that given how honest you are about this and to yourself regarding what you feel, I do know that you're strong enough to get through this, and that every day you live to this is one day closer to getting out of this situation, or at least, it becoming easier on you. Until then, I'm sure there'll always be people to listen to you, if only on this forum.
Gosh, I wish I could give you a hug. You're definitely worth it. ♥
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