Why do I always attract the wrong friends?

Why do I always attract the wrong friends?

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  • 1 Post By StElmosDream
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This is a discussion on Why do I always attract the wrong friends? within the Advice Center forums, part of the The Cafe Lounge category; Hello. I have figured out that I have always befriended people that were not suitable for me , far from ...

  1. #1

    Why do I always attract the wrong friends?

    Hello. I have figured out that I have always befriended people that were not suitable for me, far from my perfect friend ideal in fact. In addition to that I have found that I actually don't remember them fondly, I remember cool acquaintances from the same time with more fondness instead.

    In fact I just used Photoshop to remove everyone (including my ex friends) except myself, our female teacher, and a dude that I found cool from my high school class photo. He was everything I need and want in a friend - a clown-like personality, an easy-going guy. Turns out I really liked him better than my friends from the same class. Even frther back, in middle school, I had two friends, but instead of them I remember two other classmates more fondly and I wish they were my friends instead of the ones I had. They were also clown-like, and one of them was like Scooby Doo/Shaggy/Pinky from Pinky and the Brain, an easy-going, usually optimistic clown, a bit zany in fact.
    Now that you know what kind my perfect friend is, let me tell you about the friend types I had:
    - Debbie downers
    - A nerd that made me nerdier than him
    - One guy that behaved like the boss of the pack
    - Outsiders that use me as a stepping stone to popularity

    Why I talk to such people you might ask? Because I feel like wanting to help them get out of depression, but they always turn me into a worse version of themselves. Once they have thrown all their negativity on me, they dump me and start communication with more popular people.

    Have you ever had similar experiences? Do you think there's a way to attract the type of people I like? It seems that they get repelled by my association with my 'friends'. Seems like I always attract the wrong people as friends. No wonder I remember some acquaintances with more fondness than my ex friends. Any tips on how should I attract people I actually would like beside me and avoid the vicious ones?



  2. #2

    Self awareness, seeking to convey a healthier state of mind, being cordial but more selective, reading assertiveness and social games books, setting 'me and your issues' boundaries if you begin to feel like a therapist or parental figure, learning to say 'no thank you' and 'I can't help you' more, and actually telling people what impact they may be having on you (those that care or have enough mature self awareness will begin to think of your needs more).
    Promethea thanked this post.

  3. #3

    Taking on the role of "fixing" and "repairing" people like old washing machines gets really old really fast. Learn to say "no," "sorry, I can't do that," and to back off when you don't want to get involved in something. I speak for myself as much as you. People tend to heap work and personal problems onto me, as if I could magically get rid of them with a snap of the proverbial fingers. I can offer advice, yes, but that's it. I cannot fix problems. That's not my job, and I refuse to act like a trained, professional therapist when I'm not one.
    StElmosDream thanked this post.

  4. #4

    Well, I'm no longer like that, I'm wiser. However, I don't have any friends now. I'm no longer able to show my feelings anymore. All those people from my past made me develop a hard shell. It's hard for me to connect to people. I wish I had at least a friend or two. I'm fed up with being alone, yet other guys I meet at work tend to ignore me, it's like they find me boring. I guess I have to have only female friends but it would be hard for me to think about them as just friends. I could fall for someone of them.

  5. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by Milo View Post
    Well, I'm no longer like that, I'm wiser. However, I don't have any friends now. I'm no longer able to show my feelings anymore. All those people from my past made me develop a hard shell. It's hard for me to connect to people. I wish I had at least a friend or two. I'm fed up with being alone, yet other guys I meet at work tend to ignore me, it's like they find me boring. I guess I have to have only female friends but it would be hard for me to think about them as just friends. I could fall for someone of them.
    Try browsing this thread: Feeling rejected by society

  6. #6

    Stop looking for fixer-uppers and expecting them to perform like a top-notch friend right off the bat. I get the impression that you're drawn to people who look like they need help, perhaps because you sympathize or want to feel useful to them. These people have problems, and those problems don't simply disappear because you befriend them.

    Some people may be different beneath the depression and genuinely care for you, but you're still going about it the wrong way. If you look for noticeably depressed people in need of help, you're not going to get someone who's an "easy-going, usually optimistic clown, a bit zany." That's like buying something labeled chicken and being astonished that you don't find beef upon opening it.

    Generally, advertising that you're willing to go around making people feel better and fixing their problems will attract people who want that, not you. That's why they dumped you. When they'd had enough of the free counseling and good vibes you offered by taking their problems and lives on as your own concerns, they left.

    If you want to make friends with a specific kind of person, learn what it is they like, offer that, and seek them out. Want fun, optimistic people? Look for the ones who are often laughing, joking around, and taking things in a light-hearted manner.


 

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