Narcissistic Mother, Enabling Father (Concern from an ENFP)

Narcissistic Mother, Enabling Father (Concern from an ENFP)

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This is a discussion on Narcissistic Mother, Enabling Father (Concern from an ENFP) within the Advice Center forums, part of the The Cafe Lounge category; Links used Traits of a Narcissistic Mother: Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers How to Survive with a Narcissistic Mother: How to ...

  1. #1

    Narcissistic Mother, Enabling Father (Concern from an ENFP)

    Links used

    Traits of a Narcissistic Mother:Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

    How to Survive with a Narcissistic Mother:
    How to Survive With a Narcissistic Mother - wikiHow

    Enabling Father:
    Enabling Father - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

    Where to begin.. (I'm an ENFP, type 3 btw)
    I'm a senior in H.S. and I just realized this is a problem I can't control, and no matter how much I want the support, guidence, and love from my parents- I won't be getting it at a deeper level any time soon.

    I'm honestly glad I found enneagram types, because I would've just continued my life, not knowing, and most likely falling back to the belief that something's inherently wrong with me. And I think I've touched parts of narcissism, myself back when I was younger.. I remember adopting the same habits my mom had. But since my Aunt passed away 2 summers ago, I've been ridding myself of them. Yet I was still stressed for some reason I didn't quite understand/acknowledge.

    I still haven't applied to college, and I've been having health problems. I'm trying my best to do what's best for me because I want to be successful. But at the same time all these things.. they're just so much, and I feel-- I guess, lack of support and I.. it's not lack of being motivated.. I guess.. just extremely tired. (So perhaps its all the emotional stress that my health doesn't feel well? That's a possibility)

    I just recently realized my ego gets in the way much of the time when I interract with others, so I've been following tips for self growth for Type 3s (and I've actually done a bit of them in the past, so they do actually work, I'm not blindly following them).

    I think I pretty much covered the gist of my situation.

    So now, I'm not really sure what I should do?
    I always feel this lack of.. connection (the only way I know how to explain it is that I'm sx/sp, and that type 3's need support and guidence). And I pretty much.. can't do anything within my power to change how my mom is. I tried, which was ignorant of me. And I don't say that to be pessimistic- because realistically, it really wouldn't happen. But I'm not completely abandoning the idea of helping my mother change- it just has to be her choice. But honestly, it's her problem.

    But what am I supposed to do in the mean time?

    She doesn't have the physically abusive aspect, she's the "engulfing mother" one, and she never takes responsibilitie for her actions. Meh, I don't know.

    I've talked to my social worker about my health problems and how it's affecting my school work. But I haven't mentioned this (I recently realized this).

    Now that I know this, it kind of makes me sick.. that I've been drawn into these touching moments when I've reconciled with my mom, only to have her get all crazy over something trivial the next days. It's crazy. I don't know-- I don't know.

    I'd love to go far away from my home for college (for the sake of experiencing living by myself), but I don't have the money for that.

    Both sides of my family have their own issues.
    There are some cousins I have in mind that I could actually rely on, but I'm not even sure they would understand since they're older than I am and probably think I'm just.. criticizing my parents for the sake of rebellion (because that's exactly what one of my cousins, aunt, and uncle had thought). I don't even want to think of the possibility that they're going to reject what I'm saying because that's just going to frusterate me.

    I don't know, not many people will exactly believe me when I just bluntly state that my mom is narcissistic. I tend to just want to cut to the chase so I could just solve the problem and finally head on to my journey to be successful.

    I don't know- seriously. Any advice?
    Dauntless and snowbell thanked this post.



  2. #2

    what would your advice be?

    i read it..
    Dauntless thanked this post.

  3. #3

    My mom is the kind of woman that would get very emotionally unstable and even selfish, she would feel entitled to be depressed as she thinks that she has reasons for it (some are legitimate indeed). In the past, she would also say very cruel things, and our relationship was very rocky when I was a teenager. Back then, I even had to be the supporter, when what I could have a good use of was a supportive mother.
    But then our relationship got better by time. She made peace with certain major things in her life, and then us not stopping to interact and like each other kept things going better.

    But back then, all I did was kind of like surviving, and avoiding conflicts. And then trying to be supportive, even if I didn't agree with her at times. I could choose to break her, be mean and cruel, but what would I achieve anyways? Good thing is that things went well in the end, and now we have a fairly good relationship. Now I can also have her support, and she likes it and I'm happier too.

    I'd say if you want to help your mom, then try to figure out why she is like that, if there are underlying problems (not satisfied with her life and so on). Then you can bond with her, try to understand and show empathy to her. This is the first step to make her more receptive of you, coz if you simply start to criticize, then she would take a more defensive stance. Then when your mom feels like you can understand her, you can begin to give some small suggestions, maybe indirect ones.
    But in the end, it's really up to her to see things in a more positive and less selfish way. You can be a guide and a supporter, but people has to deal with their issues by themselves.
    Dauntless and superbundle thanked this post.

  4. #4

    I feel for you, unfortunately I happen to be an asshole of unworldly magnitude, and therefore am not capable of giving you advice that could be considered by a reasonable person. Yet I can relate to you on a million different levels, so if you are looking for someone to relate to, I'm your guy...
    Dauntless and superbundle thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I just wanted to add that one of the things I came to realize, which helped me to make peace with the past, was that I realized how human and humanly imperfect she actually was. She was just someone lost in her own sadness, and desperated about how her life was. Realizing this made me felt empathy towards her, and forgive her.
    Dauntless and superbundle thanked this post.

  6. #6

    In a couple where one partner is a narcissist, it ultimately requires the other partner to also be a narcissist, so they can have an empty but picture perfect on the outside relationship fraught with a constant sense of longing which culminates in one night stands with other people or them murdering each other or something almost as dramatic....sooo...in the long term, it's really best for the narcissistic partner to have an enabler, or a codependent, or someone who is an "introverted narcissist."

    It only stands to follow that your narcissistic mother has an enabling husband, or your parents may have divorced long ago.

    As a teen, your best bet is either to go away to college, or get a job and move out. I had a parental figure who had mental issues, and confronting her about it was not an option, and she was later diagnosed and actually court-ordered into psychiatric care by a judge, but I was already well into my twenties at that time, so fat lot of good it did me, other than being reassured I was absolutely right. And so were my friends. And all of my friends parents. And our neighbors. And my other relatives.

    The problem with narcissists, though, especially in a culture like the U.S., people may downplay what she's doing that's so abusive because you've been given external trappings of support, usually a lot of financial support, nice clothes, cars, stuff like that, so who are you to complain right? Right. That's how I grew up too. Neither of my guardians were a narcissist, but in the U.S., if you look privileged, you are privileged, because we actually live in a culture that enables narcissism through rewarding external trappings of success and downplaying real internal self-esteem and self-worth.

    So tell your social worker, but wait to tell your family and confront your parents AFTER you go away to school or get a job and move out, because I assure you, it's not going to be received well, but it will be a much easier battle to fight as a confident adult living away from your parents.
    Dauntless, chimeric, mimesis and 1 others thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by AriesLilith View Post
    My mom is the kind of woman that would get very emotionally unstable and even selfish, she would feel entitled to be depressed as she thinks that she has reasons for it (some are legitimate indeed). In the past, she would also say very cruel things, and our relationship was very rocky when I was a teenager. Back then, I even had to be the supporter, when what I could have a good use of was a supportive mother.
    But then our relationship got better by time. She made peace with certain major things in her life, and then us not stopping to interact and like each other kept things going better.

    But back then, all I did was kind of like surviving, and avoiding conflicts. And then trying to be supportive, even if I didn't agree with her at times. I could choose to break her, be mean and cruel, but what would I achieve anyways? Good thing is that things went well in the end, and now we have a fairly good relationship. Now I can also have her support, and she likes it and I'm happier too.

    I'd say if you want to help your mom, then try to figure out why she is like that, if there are underlying problems (not satisfied with her life and so on). Then you can bond with her, try to understand and show empathy to her. This is the first step to make her more receptive of you, coz if you simply start to criticize, then she would take a more defensive stance. Then when your mom feels like you can understand her, you can begin to give some small suggestions, maybe indirect ones.
    But in the end, it's really up to her to see things in a more positive and less selfish way. You can be a guide and a supporter, but people has to deal with their issues by themselves.

    Nope. Narcissists EAT empathy.

    They'll suck your blood.
    Inky, Dauntless, chimeric and 3 others thanked this post.

  8. #8

    I mean just as a personal anecdote, I recently told a narcissist who trusted and cared for me (in his way?) that he was a narcissist, and he hates me now. And I've been through a lot with this person. He probably would have forgiven me for TP-ing his house or eating his first born, but calling him a narcissist is what ultimately ended any and all friendship/relationship we may have had.

    I could cuss him out, tell him I hated him, blah blah blah...a half an hour or three days later he'd start calmly talking to me, trying desperately to change the subject to something pleasant and neutral, etc.

    But I told him he was a narcissist, went into DEEP analytical detail, being really persistent and annoying about it, and citing examples, and he now hates my guts.

    NARCISSISTS DO NOT LIKE TO BE CONFRONTED ABOUT THEIR ACTUAL WEAKNESSES. You can say to them all kinds of things that they think and/or "know" don't apply to them, but confront them about what's really falling apart on the inside of their house, and they'll excommunicate you.


    In fact I want to add a few things here: narcissists should always be confronted publicly, and you should have documented proof of things they did or are trying to lie about or have lied about. I didn't just make this up from personal experience, this is even recommended, that it's best to expose narcissists in a public way, and to have documented proof of things they have lied about or will try to lie about to "save face."

    Narcissists can be dangerous, sounds like your mom isn't, my person wasn't, but you cannot "win" by confronting a narcissist, you can only try to get through to them, and may completely lose their trust and good feeling toward you.

    I actually go back to my original opinion: don't confront your mom. It doesn't do any good. Confronting a narcissist is about as productive as talking to a brick wall, and should only be done with the intention of setting your own boundaries in how that person can treat you. They will swing back and forth from being gloomy, cynical, pessimistic hypercritical jerks to being downright lovey-dovey if you stroke their ego and are a good accessory to their ego or at least a helpful co-dependent.

    The reason I was thinking it was a good idea is because she's your mom and you love her. There's ZERO point in confronting a narcissist you don't love or plan to keep in your life, because the odds of them changing in any way are very low.

    And if you confronted her publicly, like a family intervention, then she couldn't emotionally belittle you or turn it around on you (narcissists are notorious for telling people they are overly sensitive, histrionic, or something, because you shouldn't have feelings that inconvenience their emotional abuse of you, after all) ...and if the entire family was there, she'd be less likely to be effective with it, and she would also be living a terrible nightmare for a narcissist: losing face in front of others, in which the narcissist can become unpredictable, even violent, which is the real reason its suggested that you confront them publicly, to protect yourself emotionally, but even physically.

    The documentation is simply to prove that she has done these things to you and others, that she may try to lie about or deny, especially if other people are watching, and it's crucial that you have proof.

    But it's not going to improve your relationship with her right away, if at all. It probably won't send her running to therapy. But it might.

    Since she's your mom, I'd give it a try. I'm undecided on this.

    But your little idea of "hey mom you're a narcissist" and then she can start to work on it...I'm sorry, but that's highly unlikely if she's really a narcissist. It won't be that simple, and that's why I suggest you do it later after you've moved out.
    Last edited by fourtines; 02-07-2013 at 03:11 AM. Reason: on second thought
    Dauntless, chimeric, snowbell and 1 others thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Narcissistic Mothers.

    I wish I could put the PerC face of death icon here.
    superbundle thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by fourtines View Post
    But your little idea of "hey mom you're a narcissist" and then she can start to work on it...I'm sorry, but that's highly unlikely if she's really a narcissist. It won't be that simple, and that's why I suggest you do it later after you've moved out.
    Consciousness seal of approval.

    (from personal experience)
    Dauntless and superbundle thanked this post.


 

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