My parents (mostly my mother) really screwed me up, how do I pickup the pieces?

My parents (mostly my mother) really screwed me up, how do I pickup the pieces?

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This is a discussion on My parents (mostly my mother) really screwed me up, how do I pickup the pieces? within the Advice Center forums, part of the The Cafe Lounge category; My childhood started off with such promise, I was raised poor in a small town in Northeast Kansas. I was ...

  1. #1

    My parents (mostly my mother) really screwed me up, how do I pickup the pieces?

    My childhood started off with such promise, I was raised poor in a small town in Northeast Kansas. I was really smart as a child at 6 I tested into 9th grade reading, and sat in the back of a college anatomy course at age 8 receiving C's throughout the course, though I was not officially enrolled. I was extremely strong in all science's (dave for Physics, I never really tried that field), I could give you an answer to nearly any question you could propose to me. I attended public school for the a time but than my mother decided I needed to be home schooled.If you could meet her you would quickly realize there was something off about her, she has absolutely no social skills what so ever, she is incapable of empathy, she bulldozes any one who test her religious beliefs, she is a fundamentalist christian. She dropped out of high school when she was 16, she has very obvious social anxiety disorder and perceived everyone around her to be bullying her, though in my experience she hears what she wants to hear.
    She has a love affair with hating the public school system, for the cliched reasons a christian fundamentalist would list. As a result I was given a steady dose of dangerous, inaccurate information meant to distorte ones worldview of basic science and logic. Young earth creationism, extreme capitalism, conspiracy theories such as the Great Depression was faked by the liberal media to institute socialism. My typical day of being homeschooled revolved around me arguing against everything I was being taught I remember at age 5 thinking religion was stupid, and being told non-scientific fantasies such as these really angered me. I was worn down by the time I hit highschool, I was forced to fight not only with my own family on a daily basis but the low effort thinking that the culture I grew up in worked within (good o'l boy logic). I wish I was making this all up but Kansas really is like being inside Michele Bachmann's head. I got lazy, I had to teach myself everything on my own, as I was oppressed, science, calculus, art history, history, biology, etc... My mother believes she must regulate everything from a religious point of view, music is of the devil, so was TV, though my father didn't care, so I at least had that. I attended a community college in high school, I did okay in some courses, others were eh, I got an A in Physics. At 19 I left home and went to a major state run university, I enrolled in Biology, and was unable to do it, which is sad. I did major in Physics for a while and I am really good at quantum mechanics and astrophysics but I can't deal with the stress that comes with exams. Plus I taught myself everything I know so it really is me who is to blame if I can't figure it out. So I decided to major in poli sci and english, but I hate not being in a STEM field. The thing I hate most is being type cast into the role of the "home schooled" kid, I have to live a completely different existence than I really am inside. I have to be smart, I have to be smarter than everyone around me, I spend all of my time trying to impress people with my intelligence. I met a guy on my dorm floor who could program in C language, everyone was impressed by his ability so I taught myself C++,Java, C, Objective C and though I may only be average in some of these languages it doesn't matter because now I can be seen as better by everyone around me. I hate this about myself, I feel as if I will buckle under my own intelligence, I feel that I live a massive lie, I feel physically ill. You have a STEM guy at heart who was held back and now forced to do these liberal arts degrees he hates and compensates for it with knowledge. I am so sick of this I now have nothing to do with people, I will forever be labeled home schooled, I will always have people pre judging me, my intelligence will always be in question. I hate religion so much I want to eradicate it from the face of the earth. Why did everyone stand still while this woman did this to me? Think of what I could have done for the human race, college should be me adding to my knowledge, not playing catch up. I think about death constantly, I also should point out I have had a IQ test and have an IQ of 151, my MBTI type is XNTP, my enneagram is type 3w4 and I have ADHD-PI (ADD). I have also been forced to teach myself how to write papers, how to take test, etc, I do have a 3.3 GPA and I am a junior.



  2. #2

    My mother also may have Aspergers syndrome. For what its worth.

  3. #3

    bro, i kind of relate to what its happening to you. My mom also fucked my life, but in a different way.
    the first thing that you have to make clear:

    are you doing all this because YOU want to? or are you doing it to contradict your mother?
    Do you actually think you are better if you feel you are smarter than others? how is your self steem?
    Its not your fault to feel the way you do, but try to forget about the hatred to your mom and all she represents for one minute and think: what do i really want?
    Briguy, StElmosDream, looseal and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by Sai View Post
    bro, i kind of relate to what its happening to you. My mom also fucked my life, but in a different way.
    the first thing that you have to make clear:

    are you doing all this because YOU want to? or are you doing it to contradict your mother?
    Do you actually think you are better if you feel you are smarter than others? how is your self steem?
    Its not your fault to feel the way you do, but try to forget about the hatred to your mom and all she represents for one minute and think: what do i really want?
    I understand, but being smart is all I really have and with a W on my transcript it kind of solidifies in the minds of future employers that I am not smart. I enjoy learning, but I hate using the things I learn to destroy others. There is no happy ending for me, women do not like home schooled guys, people will always question my intelligence, future employers will always wonder if I am capable of functioning in the work place. What then is the point of continuing on with my life. I was enslaved by an imaginary friend that enslaves others. What was the end game of all these people in my life?

    Why does Chad the overly tan frat boy get to f*ck off in college and still get a job, or at the very least simply be called just another college kid blowing off steam but if I mess up then my image of myself and the way others see me is shattered. By the way I can't cus because it will bring down the entire group, it is my week Fe attempting to find unity within a group I really hate.
    Plaxico thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I will say one thing: I'm envious as shit over you. I don't have the self discipline to learn ANY programming language. I just started college, but I would have hoped I would have taught myself SOMETHING while in college. :P Just learn what you want to learn and do whatever you want to do. You don't have to be the smartest, just do what makes you feel comfortable. Also: the people who prejudge you are pointless. Beat them down with raw data and knowledge and processing ability.

    Intelligence is something you can hear when someone starts talking. It is not something that has to be proven with degrees. I have listened to lots of idiots with Doctorates, and heard many very intelligent men without even so much as an Associates.
    Plaxico, mushr00m, looseal and 2 others thanked this post.

  6. #6

    @Briguy i really think you are focusing too much on this certain aspects of your life. Being home schooled doesnt have anything to do with women liking you or not. It doesnt have anything to do with your social life or other aspects of your life. Remember it doesnt matter where we come from, the important thing is where we are heading to.
    Oh but if you want to do something do it because YOU want to, not because of revenge or the feeling of going against your mother's will. It wont bring you any happiness.
    Plaxico and SunFlower27 thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Signify View Post
    I will say one thing: I'm envious as shit over you. I don't have the self discipline to learn ANY programming language. I just started college, but I would have hoped I would have taught myself SOMETHING while in college. :P Just learn what you want to learn and do whatever you want to do. You don't have to be the smartest, just do what makes you feel comfortable. Also: the people who prejudge you are pointless. Beat them down with raw data and knowledge and processing ability.

    Intelligence is something you can hear when someone starts talking. It is not something that has to be proven with degrees. I have listened to lots of idiots with Doctorates, and heard many very intelligent men without even so much as an Associates.
    But I do want to learn these things, my dream job was physics, I want to be Richard Feynman, but I fear I am not smart enough for that field, I am only kind of good at Diife q, I am average at advanced Calculus, these are things I could have learned in high school, with you know actual college educated specialist in those fields, i.e. Math, Chem, Physics, but instead I was taught by a person who home schooled me because god told her too.

  8. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by Sai View Post
    @Briguy i really think you are focusing too much on this certain aspects of your life. Being home schooled doesnt have anything to do with women liking you or not. It doesnt have anything to do with your social life or other aspects of your life. Remember it doesnt matter where we come from, the important thing is where we are heading to.
    Oh but if you want to do something do it because YOU want to, not because of revenge or the feeling of going against your mother's will. It wont bring you any happiness.
    I am only speaking from personal experience, women tend to like me at first but then find out things about me and leave. Everyone leaves leading to my abandonment issues, the only people who stick around are people I hate. But yes I am focusing on one or two aspects of my life, but to be fair these aspects are receiving that attention because I deal with them everyday.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Briguy View Post
    But I do want to learn these things, my dream job was physics, I want to be Richard Feynman, but I fear I am not smart enough for that field, I am only kind of good at Diife q, I am average at advanced Calculus, these are things I could have learned in high school, with you know actual college educated specialist in those fields, i.e. Math, Chem, Physics, but instead I was taught by a person who home schooled me because god told her too.
    Hey, at least you learned them at all. :P I mean, you could always take the courses at a Uni and perform better on them if you like. I hear those who have trouble in Chemistry do far better in Physics and vice versa.
    Briguy thanked this post.

  10. #10

    @Briguy

    From experience I know that having (fundamentalist) Christian parents sucks. Just like your mom, my dad proved himself to be a total control freak and in the process he smothered the relationship with most of his kids to death. He is dead to me now. I don't ever talk to him. He hasn't changed, but even if he does there is nothing meaningful between us. Maybe you should consider putting some distance between you and your mother - if you haven't yet.

    To recover from your self-absorbed mother, I highly recommend reading books like Nina W. Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed and Alice Miller's The Drama of Being a Child. These authors are so good at helping you assess your damage, if it were, and how to go from there.

    From your post I can tell you are a little too eager showing off your intelligence. More accurately, I can tell you are insecure about where you stand, relative to your peers who weren't home schooled by some crazy Jesus freak. I understand that. If employers rather hire people who went through the regular educational system, I reckon it is mostly about them staying within their own comfort zones. Of course, that doesn't make reality suck less for you.

    I wouldn't be surprised if other people who were home schooled have written about their careers on some website or another. Maybe on their facebook accounts or on some website where home-schooled people awkwardly get together to support each other. How's about searching for those places to get an idea of how people with a similar background to yours have managed to find employment. Let your actual, home-schooled peers inspire you. Sign at any company that will hire you; after a couple of years on the job, you can apply for a job you like based on your work experience.

    As for being labeled 'home-schooled' and all the insecurities that come with that; when I get depressed about how I am labeled, I have this great exercise to release at least some pressure. A friend taught me this trick. It's not really a trick, it is more a 'let's change my perspective' kind of method. It doesn't solve anything, it just works wonders to feel less shitty when you feel like you can't breath anymore. We could call this method the 'so what?' method, or the 'who cares?' perspective.

    Whenever I get really down and think things that are sometimes similar to your thoughts, for instance 'why did I have such screwed up parents?', I just tell myself: 'so what if you had bad parents? who cares?' and then my thoughts continue almost on their own - I say thoughts, I usually mutter these things out loud to myself, all disgusted and depressed - I tell myself: 'so you're screwed up, what of it?', 'so you don't have a great job, whatever!', so you'll die all miserably and alone, what else is new?'.

    I basically tell myself to stop whining I guess. But, while doing so, I do express all that is bothering me. And that helps, I think. It is good to talk about how you feel. It alleviates stress.

    For now, I remain a wreck (but who cares? not me!) and I don't have all the answers. I especially lack the answers that would come in handy as far as my own life is concerned. I don't know what I'll do. Lately I have been thinking about whether I will stay this way for the rest of my life. Scary thought, I admit, but how far do you expect a broken down man to run?
    RedDeath9 and Briguy thanked this post.


 
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