Sorry, this is a bit of a life-story. I will be very grateful for those who can read it, and in advance I am sorry for my perhaps inconsiderate thoughts as I am just pouring it out:
I feel like I'm about to have a mental break-down. Every so often, things start to build up for me without me even being aware of it and I gradually get more jittery and edgy and hostile or generally angry towards people. Eventually it leads to me feeling really, really anxious and like something is bugging me and I can't run from it. And it makes me feel like I need to cry.
The thing is, I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now (as some will know from other posts) but I did meet him online to begin with. For about 2 years we had a relationship online (although about 8 months of knowing him, I went down to meet him with my family to bond and see how he is and where he lives), though because of our age difference, we were forbidden and my mother constantly tried to split us up. She would influence me heavily and I would always end up feeling resentful around him but then my love for him would constantly drive us together again. I can honestly say I respect him as a person before I even fell in love with him. He is a good person. I put him through a lot to test my mothers claims, and I can also say I probably don't deserve him right now.
Anyway, after about a 2-3 year fued (my dad didn't even know about him, but he is divorced from my mother and not regularly in my life), my mother saw that she was only going to push me away as I became legal and able to make my own decisions. She compromised with me after finding out that I had lied to her to meet him in real life (I had to make sure he was right for me) and this lead to me losing my virginity to him (which I was truly ready for and do not regret in the slightest). She met him, and well eventually she realised that he was serious about me. She is always on his side now when we fight, and is always reminding me of how good of a man he is when I get doubts or feel insecure. So she loves him now.
After about a year of regularly seeing each other in real life, him coming up every month or so (because he lived in England while I was in Scotland) and him having work, we decided, well I was impatient to, move on to the next step. We were fighting and because I felt so insecure, I broke up with him again and kept pushing him away because I didn't believe he really wanted me. I was tired of being in a yoyo relationship, seeing him in rl sometimes and then back online, I wanted a real relationship. He ended up dropping everything pretty much and coming up to see me, with that, he remained in my home for 3 months, quit his job, got a new one in Scotland. It was just a bar job, but things were going into motion and I could see he was really serious.
He is still living with me and it has been almost 4 months... I feel so agitated all the time. He is always in my face. I am always fighting with him. I feel so insecure. I am unhappy with everything, stupid things that old couples get angry about (why did you leave your shoes here?! why did you not do this? why did you forget that? etc). I literally feel like everything I felt for him was a lie. The thought of him leaving is something I can't handle and thinking of something bad happening to him, or how much I miss him, is what makes me feel like my feelings haven't really been lost for him, but now I literally feel like I can't stand him. His jokes that would usually probably make me giggle make me feel so angry now and disgusted. I want space from him, but because I am so insecure I don't want him to go. He'll be downstairs and get distracted, and my alone time will only turn to "what is he doing? He doesn't care that I am having trouble with us? He doesn't want to reassure me? He doesn't think things have changed? Why isn't he coming up to check?" where as when we were online, I could have my online time without being affected by him. And be able to distract myself and blow off some steam.
I am also being faced with new things. Now we have to talk about what we have to buy, food, electricity, all these decisions. We have to save money, find him a proper job, get him a flat, this and that. Sounds childish, and it probably is, but I have been hit with a lot of grown up things that have totally put me off him and being with him, and him being here. I just want to run away. It has gotten to the point that when we argue, because he can't literally leave since he is staying with me, I end up getting so frustrated that I try to push him out and then my nails catch on his skin and I have hurt him. Or he tries to calm me down by hugging me (really the worst and last thing I need right then) and I slap him away. I cry so much. I even lost my voice a few days ago for the first time because I was screaming so hard at him. I feel constantly defensive, annoyed, and smothered, while at the same time I feel incredibly insecure and like everything has changed, everything was an illusion. I am starting to think about life. Tonight I even thought "Is this someone I am really going to spend the rest of my life with" which is what I had easily imagined earlier.
I feel like such a mess, I have stopped feeling like doing things. And because he is here now, I barely see my mother because she is letting us 'have our time' but for me I feel completely trapped. Like I have been thrown to the lions and left there. We are a package now, it's not "me" or "I" but it's "us" and "we" and "they". Since when the hell did it become from online and the least commitment probably in existence to suddenly as if I am married. And because he is always here, I can't just do things like I used to. Go out for drives with my mum, and be free. I have to adapt to his schedule, and him to mine. I feel like I am living with a secretary, everything has become robotic, technical, convenient.
I don't know if this is probably just a rant, but I don't know what to do. I am going out of my mind. I am worried that our relationship has reached it's end and I don't want it to be, but at the same time I think if I see him again I'm going to be sick.
Forgive my post for sounding very harsh at times, I think I have reached my limit. And thank you if you read this far.